The Phantom Band was invented to fill a perceived gap - I like playing for small dances, for local events like PTAs or church celebrations, and most of these organisations can no longer afford the fees charged by "real" bands.

Most of them wind up with someone playing very old records, with some poor soul shouting vaguely remembered instructions over the scratchy noise of the record deck, the dancers occasionally adding step hops where required as the stylus jumps across the tracks.

And while this can be a lot of fun, often in unexpected ways, there are serious problems with dancing to records. For a start, the music always runs out at the wrong moment, and is usually at the wrong speed for the dancers - too slow if they are experienced, and too fast if they're not. So I reckoned, with the modern technology at my disposal, I could put something together that would fit the bill a whole lot better.

So I did.

I use a Roland Sound Canvas synth built into a midi file player. This gives a very realistic stereo output, especially as most of the music I use has been recorded specially for the dances I use via Cubase and a fair quantity of midi-enabled instruments. The music can of course be played back at any pace and adjusted to suit whatever standard of dancer happens to be present, and as I've set each set of tunes up to play for about half an hour, it is unlikely the music will run out before the dancers get through the dance. Or, of course, die of exhaustion, depending on the sadism level I am experiencing at the time.

Essentially, it gives me the scope to play for smaller events at a reasonable price. If the money stretches, I can import a fiddle player as well - the melodeon comes free...

And that's the Phantom Band.

And, luckily, you can even make the initial enquiries as to availability and cost by mailing me from this very spot. I can almost see you reaching for your mouse, and the smile slowly spreading over your face like a sunrise after storms. Turner himself could not do you justice.