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ON HEARING POLITICIANS SPEAK
Or the noise of many people talking politics ***(See below for a definition of politics)
Or just noise, as purceived by most modern thinkers.
Or. You don't need a lot of different languages to create a tower of Babel!
It's like looking through the bars of what you might think of as the asylum, there are lots of people all talking, then you realise that not one of them is listening even when they make direct replies to each other, and because they haven't listened at all their replies do not make a meaningful noise, the age of gobshite* has arrived.
FOOTNOTES
* Gobshite can be described as follows; in the UK the real Neanderthal (is that how you spell it, it probably doesn't matter anyway) spend Saturday afternoon going to the football match** (Kickball or soccer) they then go and drink 15 pints of lager and finish up with an indian meal (usually a vindaloo this, as served to Neanderthals, is some type of caustic paint stripper that no self respecting indian has ever eaten, nor intends to). (By the way we are not talking about the eating habits of red indians. Red Indians or native Americans eating habits is not a culinary delight that anybody has cared, as yet, to introduce to the English, but I expect they will. Is Colonel Saunders Kentucky Fried Chicken a native American dish? I suspect not or Columbus would have reported "Nothing there Guv just bleeding sea all the way to the edge of the world).
The net result of such indulgence is usually what is commonly known as DELI- (the place not a counter in a supermarket or little shop on the corner of 53rd and main (why is there never a minor)) BELLI, a modern commercialized form of gut rot which leads to a painful condition where the possessor of said condition spends a great deal of time on the crapper (invention of Thomas H Crapper circa 1886 not a rude word at all) pouring forth large quantities of noxious and completely unidentifiable yuk! such substances are sometimes referred to as shite (note the e is very important in the pronunciation, shite rhymes with 'might' not with pit). Anyway, to cut a short story down to a real tempus fugitly challenged one , hence the term GOBSHITE, usually applied with complete accuracy to all politicians.
Anyway a friend of mine of a game keepering type of persuasion (Read Lady Chatterlys Lover if you require a description or definition or even a really boring read apart from page 48 at least in the penguin edition) is fond of stating that
"GOB BEATS BRAINS ANY DAY"
and I must admit I get persuaded more and more of this as time passes.
**THE MATCH; anything else is usually superfluous as everybody knows that the match is THE MATCH that matters to those speaking of it and refers to football, or soccer to give it it's correct title.
***politics defined; any subject of a serious nature which is not sport, nor a walt Disney (cartoon or documentary*****) and does not have a basis in a TV soap opera ****
****Soap Opera; the real world , for most people
*****NOTE; Walt Disney****** documentaries include all those films based on Fairy Tales, e.g. Snow White etc., as the films are really real, especially when they are also cartoons, unlike their non money earning non copyright littery antecedents,.
******The Walt Disney view of the world; this is clearly taking over all rational thought.
Example 1; even when you bomb Colonel Gadaffi of Libya to smithereens he pops up again, good as new and proceeds to win farter of the year contest all over the place.
Example 2; There is no recorded incident of a fox getting into a chicken run and killing all the chickens.
Example 3; Birds of prey are pretty little feathered friends, so the rapid increase in numbers of birds of prey since they were protected has had no effect on song bird numbers(now almost non existent), field voles(existence levels ditto, water voles(apparently now non existent), the changes in existence levels are entirely due to farming practices, (and having a countryside- so this is to be done away with).
Example 4;nobody has ever reported being eaten by wolves, so this has never happened, and anybody reporting viewing such an event or finding evidence of such an event is mistaken or biased and should be imprisoned as not being politically correct.
Example 5; Sharks are sadly misunderstood and should be cuddled. Yes! we recently had TV footage of braindead bimbo of the month cuddling a "little girl baby" (her words) shark. The item was of course preceded by the words "in America" (see below) but was none the less real, at least for the time it took the film crew to actually film it.
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ON THE STRANGE HABITS OF NEANDERTHALS
(Subspecies .These are for no apparent reason commonly called "BRITS" not to be confused with the British who comprise several nationalities mainly English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish but also ,and delightfully, including people from almost every other nationality on earth except of course people from the United States of America, who remain USA citizens regardless.)
In case you are really interested those Neanderthals who fail to get tickets for "the match", or are too lazy to go for real, dress up in what is called a strip, which is a replica of the footballers kit made very badly of incredibly tatty material and retailed at the most enormously unbelievable price. It is most definitely not what pretty young ladies do in dark sleezy clubs.
Dressed in "the strip" and having purchased copious quantities of beer the Neanderthals sit in front of the TV all Saturday afternoon watching a match, (not "the match" you understand as this is never broadcast until some strange hour on Sunday,) cheering wildly just as if they were at the real thing, cursing the referee, and getting pissed. Groups of them even congregate at the chosen ones house bringing rattles and whistles with them. Wives, take the pre-match aged children and go home to mother for the duration, to protect the brood.
Come the evening the Neanderthals go down the pub (an english bar or club but nothing like you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams, mostly all themed now, a theme is a gobshites description of something that never was actually real, the American contribution was Disneyworld the Brits themed pubs.) drink 19 pints of larger go to an indian restaurant.... and you know the rest(see above)( well except for the bit where they puke**many** in the street and somebody makes a comment about how there is always diced carrot regardless of whether or not it's been eaten, the pukee always maintains hotly that they have not partaken of this particular delicacy, carrot, in living memory. It's generally at this point that somebody notices the tomato pips.....**many+1**).
MORE FOOTNOTES
**many** 'puke': to bugle- a bugles fugel - to trumpet voluntary - to honk**many+3** - to spew- to spew ones ring- a feeling of nausea swept over him and he was sick- as a pig - as a parrot- as a dog- regurgitated....
**many+1** and some people even think UFO s are strange!
**many+3** this leads to some interesting thoughts on language. In particular it is noted that one ethnic group often refers to another by the quirky affectionate name of honky. A person in the act of honking? how amazing that anyone has such a whimsical sense of humour that they can laugh at themselves by suggesting that another person on being in their presence is immediately sick. Or have I misinterpreted something here?
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ON THE HABIT OF BELIEVING THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA
"In America" has become a tadge apocryphal, if you want some one to believe the most outrageous nonsense you preface the description with the magic words "in America" and instantly everyone believes it, I don't know if this is a healthy sign or not.
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ON THE EATING HABITS OF THE ENGLISH
The English eat what the British(see above) eat, so that includes almost everything in the world. So in England you will find truly great French restaurants, and Chinese, and Italian and Indian and Greek, and Turkish and from everywhere else, you will also find truly horrendous examples of the worlds culinary disasters, MR Hamburger's contribution and MR Frankfurter's are well represented as is Colonel Saunders of Kentucky's., and of course there are "Indian" Restaurants in a delightfull profusion of styles. BUT where do you go for English food? I hear you ask, "why home of course" comes the reply, "we are most definitely not letting you get your hands on it, we are, after all, the most xenophobic nation on earth".
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