The August 2006 explanation before the rest of it..
This piece was originally
intended to go in the pages of the Hugi
disk magazine but it wasn't included there for some presently
unknown reason. Anyway, I've decided to stick it here on my webspace,
after a tiny bit of tweaking to make it a bit more understandable to
general readers, although I might keep some specifically demoscene
references in, possibly. Very briefly, it is a twisted and satirical
look, sparing no-one, at the Jyllands Posten "Cartoon Jihad" which appeared, as
if by magic, earlier this year.
The shambling and
incoherent justification to kick off with..
and welcome to the Apocalypse
Scrapbook, a concept loosely modelled on the Minimag, which some of you may know
intermittently made 'Zine within a
zine' concept, featuring in the bulging sectors of the Alive diskmag on ye olde
Atari ST series. We've been
make this cartoon-tastic production, by events earlier this year
Danish newspaper, Jyllands
Posten, who were running their annual "Let's see which minority group we can
piss off most thoroughly through the medium of caricature!"
Unfortunately for them, by picking on the Muslims, they hit gold,
and possibly some plutonium-based products too (at some as yet
unspecified future date?!)
Here's our view of things, seen through a hopefully jihad-proof filter.
Anyway, any complaints, and death-mail to go to Adok, he's used to that sort of
'Islamic Safe' today!
You can laugh, but you cannot hide! The majority of flag and embassy
burning mobs are not
renowned for their understanding of the other point of view, nor are
they prepared to listen to a tortuous and poorly worded justification
of your taboo-breaking pig-buggery themed work of "art". However, help
hand for the
beleagured demoscene, as we have a way of making your prods safe for
even the most homicidally nitpicky audiences.
We have made a little image, which might be useful in the near future,
especially for those productions which might be, well, misunderstood!
This 'Islamic Safe' logo
should be used on the front end of all prods which might be viewed by a
public audience. It's the only way to be sure!
feature - Flags-R-Us!
...Got your righteous panties in a
...Not getting 'nuff respect?
...BURNING with holy
Well come on down to Flags-R-Us!
- We can do you an eternal paradise of a deal!
At Flags-R-Us! We have
inflammable banners of all kinds! Also made with our patented 'Eezi-Shred' process, if you cannot
wait to get the matches and petrol to them. Most infidel pig western
countries covered, and we can respond at very
short notice to a large order!!
Flags R Us - No 1201, Omar al Muhktar Street, Gaza City, round
back, quickly! and keep your head down!
SPECIAL:- Scandinavian banners, all
nationalities, 20% reduction!!
Awards get their first Islamic entries!
As part of aiding the process of greater understanding
between different cultures, just lately, the previously reticent
Islamic public has been getting more closely involved with many western
internet institutions. This can be seen to its most stunning effect
here, as we proudly announce the first Muslim nominations for the Darwin Awards!
The honourable runner-up...
My heart goes boombity-boom?
This young gentleman, Omar, who thought it would be a great laugh to
turn up to a demonstration dressed as a suicide bomber. IN LONDON! Where one innocent
Brazilian was gunned down with extreme prejudice for only looking a
tiny bit like someone who would explode themselves into a crowded
It's Martyrdom for dummies, (soon
to be out in a easy to wipe clean paperback format?)
He's soundly beaten into the runner-up position by one demonstrator in
Beirut, who just got too far into his cause, by protesting from the
third floor of a burning Danish embassy, then asking himself far too
late what's going on with that funny burning smell. Oh, and the
only fire exit opens out to third-floor fresh air.... Er, not a happy
leaders give their reactions to the crisis!
As the crisis goes global, so many of the world leaders are duty-bound
to express their perspective on the whole sorry business. Here's some
that we pre-adminstered a truth-drug to, so we can see, like, what they
are really thinking!
A good place to start with, is the former Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI..
"Frankly, I'm more than a little bit
jealous of the Muslims. How do they still manage to run an outfit based
on obedience through fear in the 21st Century? I thought we had the
copyright on all of that, but it seems that we lost the plot when we
going easy on people like Galileo! Now our once-feared throughout
Europe inquisition has all the cultural firepower of a particularly
insipid tea-party! Curse the enlightenment! But way to go to you
Next up, we have lovely smiley Tony
Blair! He's a chilled out kinda guy!
"Well, har-bloody-har to the Danes,
we had to invade Iraq to piss off the entire middle east! They manage
to do it with a handful of piss-poor cartoons. Do they think they have
to be as offensive as Jacques Chiraq or what?"
Swiftly moving onto the man voted as the winner in the 1985 KGB (Moscow
Division) "Mr Happy"
competition, Come on down, Vlad the
"We killed all our Chechens, next
Well that was rather terse, but we didn't expect anything different
from him. How about the top Frog, Jacques
There is an issue about Chirac that springs up even before we get onto
the topic of what he might be saying. Why oh why does he get more
comedy pictures, when searching on Google images, than any
of the other world leaders?!?! (Apart from George Dubya of
course, he's in a class all of his own!)
"We applaud the noble efforts of the
Danes in this cause, but feel that causing such gratutious offences are
best left to the real experts in such matters, like the French
Now we have George Bush on the
Bring on the Nukes, it's rapture-time! We'll show those
who has the most kick-assy old time religion!!
Oh dear, I hope they can restrain him in time, or we're all eating
rubble sandwiches for breakfast!
I guess we're still to hear from the Danish Prime Minister, Fogh
Rasmussen. Aha, here he is now. What have you got to say to us
Hamshahri angle - "Did you hear the one about the selection process for
the gas chambers?!"
One Iranian publication, Hamshahri,
has taken matters that unnecessary step further, by offering to publish
cartoons "mocking the Holocaust".
The only problem is, that the Iranian government officially denies that
the Holocaust happened, so how can 'Der
Sturmer', erm, Hamshahri draw mocking cartoons of something that
doesn't exist, according to their logic?
The second problem is, how are we supposed to tell it apart from the
run of the mill Middle-Eastern anti-Jewish everyday hate literature?
Damn Jews, drinking babies blood
backlash continues, the victims list grows steadily..
The consequences of Jylland Posten's lapse of concentration
expand at a geometric rate. Many people and figureheads who thought
themselves safely distant from the furore find themselves caught in its
vicious grasping tendrils, or something.
The latest prominent Danish celebrity with a Jihad bounty placed on his
buttery form, is none other than Douglas,
the Lurpak Butter Man!
Douglas attempts to play his way back
into favour with the Jihadis,
with a selection from "Now that's what I call death to America part 2"
He's in hiding right now, in fear being
melted down to runniness by rampaging Jihadi's, armed with a bad
and toasted teacakes!!
End! Or, when the really pissy bloke sings!
We'll leave the last word to these guys. It's kind of inevitable
"We're a peaceful religion, and we'll
cut the throat of the first person to say different!"
And with that, I'm off to go into hiding!!
(C) Someone who looks a bit like CiH, but isn't him really! - Feb
'06, and slightly tweaked for general release - Aug '06.
All images remain the copyright of their respective owners, which is
mostly the BBC. The anti-Jewish blood libel cartoon is the real thing
from an Egyptian paper, 'Al Ahram', dating from 2001.
For some diskmag beginning with the
letter 'H', or more probably, 'K', and it's definitely not
available on the pc, ohno! Definitely an Amiga diskmag, yes! In fact,
they are the idolators, burn them, and not us!