The August 2006 explanation before the rest of it..

This piece was originally intended to go in the pages of the Hugi disk magazine but it wasn't included there for some presently unknown reason. Anyway, I've decided to stick it here on my webspace, after a tiny bit of tweaking to make it a bit more understandable to general readers, although I might keep some specifically demoscene references in, possibly. Very briefly, it is a twisted and satirical look, sparing no-one, at the Jyllands Posten "Cartoon Jihad" which appeared, as if by magic, earlier this year.

The shambling and incoherent justification to kick
off with..

Hi and welcome to the Apocalypse Scrapbook, a concept loosely modelled on the Minimag, which some of you may know as an intermittently made 'Zine within a zine' concept, featuring in the bulging sectors of the Alive diskmag on ye olde Atari ST series. We've been "inspired" to make this cartoon-tastic production, by events earlier this year involving the Danish newspaper,  Jyllands Posten, who were running their annual "Let's see which minority group we can piss off most thoroughly through the medium of caricature!" competition. Unfortunately for them,  by picking on the Muslims, they hit gold, and possibly some plutonium-based products too (at some as yet unspecified future date?!)

Here's our view of things, seen through a hopefully jihad-proof filter. Anyway, any complaints, and death-mail to go to Adok, he's used to that sort of thing!

Be 'Islamic Safe' today!

You can laugh, but you cannot hide! The majority of flag and embassy burning mobs are not renowned for their understanding of the other point of view, nor are they prepared to listen to a tortuous and poorly worded justification of your taboo-breaking pig-buggery themed work of "art". However, help is at hand for the beleagured demoscene, as we have a way of making your prods safe for even the most homicidally nitpicky audiences.

We have made a little image, which might be useful in the near future, especially for those productions which might be, well, misunderstood!

This 'Islamic Safe' logo should be used on the front end of all prods which might be viewed by a public audience. It's the only way to be sure!

Advertisement feature - Flags-R-Us!

...Got your righteous panties in a twist?
...Not getting 'nuff respect?
...BURNING with holy rage?!?!

Well come on down to Flags-R-Us!  -  We can do you an eternal paradise of a deal!

At Flags-R-Us! We have inflammable banners of all kinds! Also made with our patented 'Eezi-Shred' process, if you cannot wait to get the matches and petrol to them. Most infidel pig western countries covered, and we can respond at very short notice to a large order!!

Flags R Us - No 1201, Omar al Muhktar Street, Gaza City, round the back, quickly! and keep your head down!

SPECIAL:- Scandinavian banners, all nationalities, 20% reduction!!

Darwin Awards get their first Islamic entries!

As part of aiding the process of greater understanding between different cultures, just lately, the previously reticent Islamic public has been getting more closely involved with many western internet institutions. This can be seen to its most stunning effect here, as we proudly announce the first Muslim nominations for the Darwin Awards!

The honourable runner-up...

My heart goes boombity-boom?

This young gentleman, Omar, who thought it would be a great laugh to turn up to a demonstration dressed as a suicide bomber. IN LONDON! Where one innocent Brazilian was gunned down with extreme prejudice for only looking a tiny bit like someone who would explode themselves into a crowded street!

It's Martyrdom for dummies, (soon to be out in a easy to wipe clean paperback format?)

He's soundly beaten into the runner-up position by one demonstrator in Beirut, who just got too far into his cause, by protesting from the third floor of a burning Danish embassy, then asking himself far too late what's going on with that funny burning smell.  Oh, and the only fire exit opens out to third-floor fresh air.... Er, not a happy combination.

World leaders give their reactions to the crisis!

As the crisis goes global, so many of the world leaders are duty-bound to express their perspective on the whole sorry business. Here's some that we pre-adminstered a truth-drug to, so we can see, like, what they are really thinking!

A good place to start with, is the former Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI..

"Frankly, I'm more than a little bit jealous of the Muslims. How do they still manage to run an outfit based on obedience through fear in the 21st Century? I thought we had the copyright on all of that, but it seems that we lost the plot when we started going easy on people like Galileo! Now our once-feared throughout Europe inquisition has all the cultural firepower of a particularly insipid tea-party! Curse the enlightenment! But way to go to you Islams, respect!"

Next up, we have lovely smiley Tony Blair! He's a chilled out kinda guy!

"Well, har-bloody-har to the Danes, we had to invade Iraq to piss off the entire middle east! They manage to do it with a handful of piss-poor cartoons. Do they think they have to be as offensive as Jacques Chiraq or what?"

Swiftly moving onto the man voted as the winner in the 1985 KGB (Moscow Division) "Mr Happy" competition, Come on down, Vlad the Putin!

"We killed all our Chechens, next question please!"

Well that was rather terse, but we didn't expect anything different from him. How about the top Frog, Jacques Chirac?

There is an issue about Chirac that springs up even before we get onto the topic of what he might be saying. Why oh why does he get more comedy pictures, when searching on Google images, than any of the other world leaders?!?! (Apart from George Dubya of course, he's in a class all of his own!)

"We applaud the noble efforts of the Danes in this cause, but feel that causing such gratutious offences are best left to the real experts in such matters, like the French Government!"

Now we have George Bush on the line..

Bring on the Nukes, it's rapture-time! We'll show those heathens
who has the most kick-assy old time religion!!

Oh dear, I hope they can restrain him in time, or we're all eating rubble sandwiches for breakfast!

I guess we're still to hear from the Danish Prime Minister, Fogh Rasmussen. Aha, here he is now. What have you got to say to us Fogh?

The Hamshahri angle - "Did you hear the one about the selection process for the gas chambers?!"

One Iranian publication, Hamshahri, has taken matters that unnecessary step further, by offering to publish cartoons "mocking the Holocaust". The only problem is, that the Iranian government officially denies that the Holocaust happened, so how can 'Der Sturmer', erm, Hamshahri draw mocking cartoons of something that doesn't exist, according to their logic?

The second problem is, how are we supposed to tell it apart from the run of the mill Middle-Eastern anti-Jewish everyday hate literature?

Damn Jews, drinking babies blood again!

The backlash continues, the victims list grows steadily..

The consequences of Jylland Posten's lapse of concentration expand at a geometric rate. Many people and figureheads who thought themselves safely distant from the furore find themselves caught in its vicious grasping tendrils, or something.

The latest prominent Danish celebrity with a Jihad bounty placed on his buttery form, is none other than Douglas, the Lurpak Butter Man!

Douglas attempts to play his way back into favour with the Jihadis,
with a selection from "Now that's what I call death to America part 2"

He's in hiding right now, in fear being melted down to runniness by rampaging Jihadi's, armed with a bad attitude, and toasted teacakes!!

The End! Or, when the really pissy bloke sings!

We'll leave the last word to these guys. It's kind of inevitable anyway..

"We're a peaceful religion, and we'll cut the throat of the first person to say different!"

And with that, I'm off to go into hiding!!

(C) Someone who looks a bit like CiH, but isn't him really! - Feb '06,  and slightly tweaked for general release - Aug '06.

All images remain the copyright of their respective owners, which is mostly the BBC. The anti-Jewish blood libel cartoon is the real thing from an Egyptian paper, 'Al Ahram', dating from 2001.

For some diskmag beginning with the letter 'H', or more probably, 'K',  and it's definitely not available on the pc, ohno! Definitely an Amiga diskmag, yes! In fact, they are the idolators, burn them, and not us!