._ ,_ ( . ._ . __ _ . | ) ._ _._ . ._ \ | | | / | |.\ /_\ | |\ /\ |_) /\ | | / __) '_' | \._ | |_/ | | |_. | \ \/ |_) \/ | | \._ ,__ ,__ __ |[]| |[]| || |' | ||-'.__ ||-' |' _|| .__ |. || |[]| || || |[]| |[]| || '' --' '' -- --' --' ---- _____ ______ _____ ____ ___ ____ _____ . .~##~ (Well it's time we went ) /But after all \ #####.\) (our separate ways.. ) _:..__. \ the degrading / #### # @ (You spiralling down ) ' /__ \ \ things I did \ ### # ,_> /(to the gutter, me ) . |@> | \for you! The \ '. \_, / (exploiting the next) . \_ _.| /lame gigs, the / (_\___/ (generation of gullible) ' ._) |#|/ \awful Television /| \ \'___\_ (talentless wannabees!) \___/ #| /shows. And the / / | \_____|} --- ---- --- ---- -- /'/--' /toilets I licked\ \ | | \ \ / \clean!! ,___ ___/ `====== \ []| '-- ---' (#####) | []| '###'| '~[]' ------ |###|| ------------------------------------- \ />/ --- \ \ |###|| \ \ \ \ \ | | | \\\ '~~~'\_._. \\ \\ \\ \\ \ /--==/==| \ \ \ \______/_/ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ '----\_.' \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ Poor old Robotic Pop Idol hits something of a low point this issue! First the evil Record Company Supremo, Simon Bowell, gives him the bum's rush! _____---- _----____----____-_ / I don't suppose you thought/ /of selling the kids on Ebay? \ _.;..;._ \ YOU BITCH!!! / / __ __ \ `-- --___-------____--__----\\ )<@.||.@>: `` \ Oo / _______..________ ('(__)') | _ '-\__/-' _ --------------- | /--X / \ X--\ BREAKING NEWS! | | \ \ / / Robo-Idol in | | /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ . [], || ,[] Radiator-Sex | / I WAS YOUR AUTOMATIC LOVER,\ \ [] | '' |[] Scandal! |o|\ AUTOMATIC LOVER....... / //\[] '~~~[]~~~'[] _______________' \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \\*\ \ /\ / <\ ================='. `\/ | | | | o... | '=' '=' --------------------------~~~~~~~-------------------~~ /_/ -- \_\ --~~ The bad news does not stop there. Robo is told to try on a paternity suit by an aggrieved groupie. Unfortunately for him, it fits! __---_______________---_______________---_________________|______ ( _:..__. / ___----_____------____-_____ /__ \ ( /Ah well, time to contemplate\ |@> o "| /` / the mysteries beyond the / \__ _.| ) \/ black veil of Death! A good\__/ .--) |#|/ ( \/ old fashioned hanging will/ \___/ #|`.__) \/ settle my hash! /------- /'/--' \/'--------------' \ \ / \ []| | []| ( ) Suu-i-cide isn't Painless! '~[]' | It brings on many changes! \ />/ | ______ | | | | | _____| /--=='=' | | | .--'----'-'--| |_ |_ | .-____-. ' |*) |*) {##} {##} '- '- || || |/ || __________________________________________||________||_______ An increasingly desperate Pop Idol sees only one final way out of his dilemma. The rather drastic remedy of suicide! __---_______________---_______________---_________________|______ _:..__. | / \ | _:..__. ' B / \ | _:..__. | B /__ \ / ____----___--___ |*> o "| / B / Well, oblivion \ \__ _.| / o \ HERE I COME! / .--) |#|/ / i /____ ---____--- \___/ #|`./ n /'/--' n \ \ / g \ \ []| / g \ | []| '~[]' / ! \ \ />/ ! | | \ / /--=='\ \ '----'/ / And like the crazy fool he is, he leaps straight off the chair! ___----___----__---__ /\ / FECKIN ARSEHOLES! \ \/ _:..__. /) \ I used Bungee rope! /_____ /__ \ _ /___---__--_____--____\ \ |'> o "| /_| . \__ _.| . ,'`. .--) |#|/.,` ==========================================.'\___/ #|`. ====|============ __ /'/--' .' (_ . _ \ \ / \ ( __) /\/\ A S H H !! /_\ \ []| `. \ | []| \ ) '~[]' )( B | \ />/ | '.' | | | B /--=='=' o '----'-' i | . . . | n /--=='=' n | '----'-' | g . . . g /--=='=' ! | '----'-' | But the rope he used turns out to be more elastic than planned, so Robo Pop Idol comes back smashing through the ceiling instead! _____---__--____---__--__ _.;..;._ \If at first you don't \ / __ __ \ \ succeed, email a copy / )<@.||.@>: / of the massively \ .-============-. \ Oo / \ clogging "Swen Worm" / || run C:\ || ('<__>') ==\ trojan to yourself! \ || swen worm || _ '-\__/-' _ \It'll swamp my systems\ || virus! || /--X / \ X--\ / in no time at all! / ||____________|| \ \ / / --__----___---___---_/ '-----_____----' [], || ,[] || | .-----------------. []| '' |[] || | | [===] : PeeCee | []'~~~[]~~~'[] || | .-------------------------. /> \ /\ / <\ || | =..===================..= _____ | |__| | __________||-------------|_____||___________________||___ .....''=' '=''...............................||...................||... .... /_/ |_| ...............................||...................||.. ..............................................''...................''.. But not deterred by this setback, Robo Pop Idol has another plan! Surely this one will work? ___----____----___--__ | _.;..;._ \I don't get it, I \ | / __ __ \ /should be feeling the \ )<@.||.@>: \waves of useless emails\ .-============-. \ Oo / /flooding my internal /\/ || email sent || ('(__)') =\ server by now?! /\/ | || email sent || _ '-\__/-' _ --__---_____----_/ || email sent || /--X / \ X--\ |. ' ||____________|| \ \ / [][][]< || | '-----_____----' [], || ,/ || | .-----------------. []| '' | || | | [===] : | []'~~~[]~~~' || | .-------------------------. /> \ /\ / || | =..===================..= _____ | |__| | __________||-------------|_____||___________________||___ .....''=' '=''...............................||...................||... .... /_/ /_/ ...............................||...................||.. ..............................................''...................''.. But even with the insidious trojan worm plan in full flow, Robo Idol seems to be strangely unaffected? ___---___---__ _.;..;._ /OH BUNNIES! \ / \_ _/\ \ I forgot my \ | )>@.||.@<: \O/S is built \ | .-============-. \ Oo / \around a Linux \ | || target not | ('(__)') ===/ core! Now I'll \ | || responding || _ '-\__/-' _ \never be able to/ || .......... || /--X / \ X--\ \kill myself!! / ' ||____________|| [] \ / [] --___---__--_/ | '-----_____----' [] , || , [] || | .-----------------. [] | '' | []_ || | | [===] : | /> '~~~[]~~~' \ || | .-------------------------. \ /\ / || | =..===================..= _____ / /_ | |__________||-------------|_____||___________________||___ ..... `.=` '='...............................||...................||... .... /__/ \_\..............................||...................||.. ..............................................''...................''.. Then realisation strikes. He is not built around Microsoft products, which are really helpful if you want to spread around email nasties really quickly! ___----____-___ _.;..;._ /Hang on, what's\_____ / __ __ \ \ this? An urgent and \ )<@.||.@>: / confidential request \_ .-============-. \ Oo / \for my help? $40 million\ || You've got || ('<__>') ==\locked up in the bank / || mail! No || _ '-\__/-' _ \of Nigeria? I get a / || really... || /--X / \ X--\ /share if I help to / ||____________|| \ \ / / \ move the money?? \ '-----_____----' [], || ,[] \ Wow! Get in there! \ .-----------------. []| '' |[] /I'm so happy, I don't\ | [===] : | []'~~~[]~~~'[] \ feel like committing/ .-------------------------. /> \ /\ / <\ \suicide anymore!! / =..===================..= _____ | |__| | ______---___---_____----- ____||___________________||___ .....''=' '=''...............................||...................||... .... /_/ |_| ...............................||...................||.. ..............................................''...................''.. But just then, something happens, which seems to transform the situation, in Robo Idol's eyes... ______ _____ __ _ __ _____ __ _ __ _____ _____ __ _ _____ | ___| | ' ' | __| | | | | __| __| / | ___| | | | | | | | ' ' | | | __' | '--- | ' | | | | --| | | --| --| |--- | |______'_____'__'_'__'_____' '___'___'_____'_____'__\_'_____' L A T E R.. ________________ _ __ | . | |_| _ |_ _ | _| _ | |_ _ _ _| | _.:..:._ | | \ [_] |_] [_] | [_| [_] |_ | [_] |_| | | [_| | / __ __ \ | _ | )<@.||.@>: | | \ . _ _ _ _ |_ _ _| | | \ Oo / | |_/ | S | | | E | | | |_] E | E [_| . | ('(__)') | | _ '-\__/-' _ | At around three weeks after he went missing, the | /--X / \ X--\ | broken remains of the Robotic Pop Idol were found '----------------' in a remote jungle clearing, some fifty kilometres south of the Nigerian capital Lagos.. He was last seen alive, boarding a flight to Nigeria, with a sum of money estimated to be in excess of fifty thousand pounds, apparently to meet with a mysterious businessman, a 'Mr Mugu'. HELSINKI COMPUTER ORCHESTRA "ANCHOVY ROUND THE U-BEND" TRIBUTE - Page 3 SIMON BOWELL "HE WASN'T VERY GOOD AT ALL.." - Page 7 The END! (Is it for good?!) Unlikely, I think! CiH for Alive mag, Jan '04