HORNE: Hello - anybody there?

JULIAN: Oh hullo, I'm Julian and this is my friend, Sandy.

SANDY: Or, to use our ring names, Man Mountain Jules and Sky High Sand. But what brings you trolling in here?

HORNE: Well, I believe you'r experts on wrestling - I wondered if you could fill me in?

JULIAN: Oh, yes. Apart from wrestling ourselves, we are entrepreneurs.

SANDY: That is your actual French, Jules and me have handled all the top grapplers at one time or another. Take the Hooded Terror - he's one of ours. The Iron Man, he's one too. Then there's the Borneo maniac - comes on as a gorilla.

JULIAN: Oh, her! She's too much, she is.

HORNE: Her?

SANDY: I thought everybody knew, Alice Makepeace, her name is. Used to wrestle in mud and we made the mistake of signing her up before we'd scraped her off

JULIAN: Was our eeks red when it turned out to be a palone!

HORNE: That accounts for her wearing a gorilla skin.

SANDY: Oh, it's not a skin. It's natural, that is.

HORNE: But you do actually wrestle yourselves?

JULIAN: Not actually ourselves. Each other. You may have seen us last Saturday afternoon on telly.

HORNE: Yes, I did.

SANDY: Well what did you think of our performance? You can be frank. Be as brutal as you like - we can take it. You think it lacked, don't you? You wasn't besotted.

HORNE: Well -

JULIAN: We didn't come across, did we?

HORNE: No.

SANDY: You see, Jule, what did I tell you? It's that television director. Got no idea. Couldn't shoot a cross-buttock to save his life.

JULIAN: And his camera angles - all to pot! Kept dollying in on me bad side. You see, from the wrong angle I look almost plain -

SANDY: No, you don't.

JULIAN: I do. I know it. My knees in a close-up look dead naph. I mean, let's face it, they're wrinkled. I've tried everything - creams, astringent lotions; I've had 'em lifted twice, but there's no doing anything with then knees of mine. I think wrinkled knees are so ugly in a wrestler, don t you?

HORNE: But surely appearances aren't all that important.

SANDY: You must be joking, ducky - that's what the women come to see. Thcy come to havc a vada at two great huge brawny men battling it out. That's why I cover meself all over in oil - it enhances me physique.

JULIAN: I wish you wouldn't do it, though. You keep slipping out of me hammer-lock.

HORNE: Well, they say that a lot of wrestling is phoney - is that true?

SANDY: Oh, no. Last week, for instance, me and Jules had a real grudge fight. We both got our wilds up in the third.

JULIAN: Well, you started it, hogging the close-ups like that.

SANDY: Maybe, ducky, but that's no excuse for what you did. It was brutal, Mr. Horne - bestial - what he done.

HORNE: What happened?

SANDY: He grabbed me by the wrist, pinned me down, and then broke it.

HORNE: Your wrist?

SANDY: No, ducky, me fingernail!

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SANDY: Jules and me have always been interested in the law. Well, Jules takes silk very well and I've always fancied myself in a wig. Not only that, but we've had a lot of experience in Court - one way or another - and one day we thought, 'Why not have a practice in Lincoln's Inn?' so we did, and after that little misunderstanding was cleared up, we opened a bijou law firm - and would you believe it, Mr.Horne was out first client. I'll never forget his woebegone eek as he sat in our chambers and unburdened himself...

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