HORNE: Hello - anybody there?

JULIAN: Oh hullo, I'm Julian and this is my friend, Sandy.

SANDY: Or, to use our ring names, Man Mountain Jules and Sky High Sand. But what brings you trolling in here?

HORNE: Well, I believe you'r experts on wrestling - I wondered if you could fill me in?

JULIAN: Oh, yes. Apart from wrestling ourselves, we are entrepreneurs.

SANDY: That is your actual French, Jules and me have handled all the top grapplers at one time or another. Take the Hooded Terror - he's one of ours. The Iron Man, he's one too. Then there's the Borneo maniac - comes on as a gorilla.

JULIAN: Oh, her! She's too much, she is.


SANDY: I thought everybody knew, Alice Makepeace, her name is. Used to wrestle in mud and we made the mistake of signing her up before we'd scraped her off

JULIAN: Was our eeks red when it turned out to be a palone!

HORNE: That accounts for her wearing a gorilla skin.

SANDY: Oh, it's not a skin. It's natural, that is.

HORNE: But you do actually wrestle yourselves?

JULIAN: Not actually ourselves. Each other. You may have seen us last Saturday afternoon on telly.

HORNE: Yes, I did.

SANDY: Well what did you think of our performance? You can be frank. Be as brutal as you like - we can take it. You think it lacked, don't you? You wasn't besotted.

HORNE: Well -

JULIAN: We didn't come across, did we?


SANDY: You see, Jule, what did I tell you? It's that television director. Got no idea. Couldn't shoot a cross-buttock to save his life.

JULIAN: And his camera angles - all to pot! Kept dollying in on me bad side. You see, from the wrong angle I look almost plain -

SANDY: No, you don't.

JULIAN: I do. I know it. My knees in a close-up look dead naph. I mean, let's face it, they're wrinkled. I've tried everything - creams, astringent lotions; I've had 'em lifted twice, but there's no doing anything with then knees of mine. I think wrinkled knees are so ugly in a wrestler, don t you?

HORNE: But surely appearances aren't all that important.

SANDY: You must be joking, ducky - that's what the women come to see. Thcy come to havc a vada at two great huge brawny men battling it out. That's why I cover meself all over in oil - it enhances me physique.

JULIAN: I wish you wouldn't do it, though. You keep slipping out of me hammer-lock.

HORNE: Well, they say that a lot of wrestling is phoney - is that true?

SANDY: Oh, no. Last week, for instance, me and Jules had a real grudge fight. We both got our wilds up in the third.

JULIAN: Well, you started it, hogging the close-ups like that.

SANDY: Maybe, ducky, but that's no excuse for what you did. It was brutal, Mr. Horne - bestial - what he done.

HORNE: What happened?

SANDY: He grabbed me by the wrist, pinned me down, and then broke it.

HORNE: Your wrist?

SANDY: No, ducky, me fingernail!


SANDY: Jules and me have always been interested in the law. Well, Jules takes silk very well and I've always fancied myself in a wig. Not only that, but we've had a lot of experience in Court - one way or another - and one day we thought, 'Why not have a practice in Lincoln's Inn?' so we did, and after that little misunderstanding was cleared up, we opened a bijou law firm - and would you believe it, Mr.Horne was out first client. I'll never forget his woebegone eek as he sat in our chambers and unburdened himself...


Back to Jules and Sand's bona tribute pagette