HORNE: Can you help me? I've erred.

SANDY: Well, we've all erred, ducky. I mean, it's common knowledge, ennit, Ju1e?

HORNE: Will you take my case?

JULIAN: Well, it depends on what it is. We've got a criminal practice that takes up most of our time.

HORNE: Yes, but apart from that - I need lega1 advice.

SANDY: Ooh - isn't he bold? Time has not withered nor custom staled his infinite variety

JULIAN: What is it you've done?

HORNE: (shyly) I don't like to say.

JULIAN: Oh, you can tell us. Sand and me have handled the most bizarre briefs - nothing could shock us.

HORNE: Well - look, it's here on this charge sheet.

SANDY: Let's have a vada. Oh Jule, look at this!

JULIAN: Ooh! He didn't!

SANDY: He did. Look, it's written down.

JULIAN: But I mean - in broad daylight - outside the Corner House - aren't you ashamed?

HORNE: Yes - but it is on1y a parking offence.

SANDY: Only! They're very hot on that. What do you think, Jule?

JULIAN: Hmm - let me look up me tort.

SANDY: Shh - he's looking up his tort. Sometimes it takes him hours to find what he's looking for. Ah, he's found it. Well?

JULIAN: I recommend we try Per verulium ad camphorum actus injuria linctus est.

SANDY: That's your actual Latin.

HORNE: What does it mean?

JULIAN: I dunno - I got it off a bottle of horse rub, but it sounds good, doesn't it? How shall we tackle it, Sand?

SANDY: I think we should plead insanity.

JULIAN: Yes, but what about Mr. Horne?

SANDY: Oh, him. I'll defend him. I'll do me speech for the defence. Would you 1ike to hear it?

JULIAN: Go on, do your plea, Sand. Oh, he's an eloquent pleader.

SANDY: Omes and palones of the jury, vada well the eek of the poor ome who stands before you, his lallies trembling. He has his share of guilt, but who is without it? We all have a bit - every one of us. We have our share. His on1y crime was that he loved not wisely but not too well. This kid never had a chance - born on the wrong side of the tracks, forced to take in washing - society drove him to a life of vice. It is not this ome who is on trial - it is all of us. We made him what he is - without hope, without love, without hair. Give him a chance to become a useful citizen again - a housewife and a mother, so that he can look the world in the face and say, `I name this ship HMS Ark Royal. God bless all who sail in her!'

JULIAN: Bravo, Sand! You could have been a Queen's Counsel. Well, Mr. Horne- what do you say?

HORNE: Have you got Quintin Hogg's phone number?


SANDY: When did we meet Mr.Horne next, Jule?

JULIAN: I think it was after you were disbarred and before we went into our next big venture. We was filling in at that pet shop.

SANDY: So we were, and Mr.Horne come in looking for a pet and we was all covered in hair.

JULIAN: Oh yes, I remember. We'd been stripping a borzoi.

SANDY: Well, we thought it was a borzoi but when we'd stripped him it turned out he was just a hairy whippet.

JULIAN: Anyway, right in the middle of all that, in came Mr.Horne.


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