Ah! Glad you could drop in! Just sidle past the man-eating rhubarb by the front gate and come in.

  As you wander through these pages, don't be put off by the amount of work to do: I wouldn't expect you to do it all by yourself - or all at once - and don't worry that some of the jobs look a bit difficult, or that they may call for skills you haven't got.

  If that's the case, think instead: 'haven't got, yet'.

  Cup of tea and a biccie? (If I can find the biscuit tin...)



Job desecration destruction description.

Orraman

  Note:

For 'he' you may read 'he or she', ergo, 'Orraman' or 'Orrawoman'.

  Note:

The successful supplicant will be at least thirteen years of age. (It's the law.) You will also have the consent of parent/guardian.

  Note:

You will not be expected to undertake anything dangerous, apart from making tea, and helping to consume it.

  Note:

You must have a sense of humour, however bizarre.

  Note:

You will be practical, and know that if you hit a nail with a hammer it should be hit hard, and squarely. You will also know that this does not apply to a thumbnail or a fingernail, (especially if it's mine) and he should be sufficiently dexterous to avoid doing so, most of the time. (And in the case of mine, all of the time.)

  Minor Note:

Expansion of the vocabulary in certain directions under the aforementioned circumstances will be tolerated, but otherwise, it is not encouraged.

  Important Note:

You will understand that smoking in the house or workshop will not happen,
and that it is strongly deprecated anywhere else in the world.
(Reasons provided on application.)
escape

  Another Note:

I really had to fill up this panel with something, and the following Long Note was far too long enough by half. so, I did.

And then the little chap next door needed some border round him, so I've had to make this note even longer since I grafted him in. However, it will still not be long enough to put the original Long Note back here.

As an aside: Time-share with another sucker wise and discerning person - or friend - would be a possibility, either separately or at different times, or maybe even in tandem - always bearing in mind that I do understand thoroughly the workings of the old adage: 'One boy's a boy; two boys are half a boy; and three boys are no boys at all'.


  Long Note: (Known as a Breve) 1

  If you are wondering why I don't just give you my number, that's easy: the phone is upstairs in the study and since my fax machine died, I'm having to use a puny little querulously whispering thing, and if I'm outside, or even downstairs, I seldom hear it.

  There is a fine line between being straightforward and factual, and on the other hand, of frightening away prospective accomplices, so perhaps I should just start by admitting that if the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions, I'm well on my way there.

  The list of things to do is similar to the one I made when I moved in to this place a bit over two years ago, though I have to admit that some of the original items have been crossed-off. However, a lot more than that have since been added. It's as if some imp has potted the list in fertile soil, put it in the greenhouse and is watering it. The trouble is, I can't find the imp, or the greenhouse.

  The pride in having completed some of these tasks is tempered by the knowledge that most of them are still waiting patiently for attention - and come to think of it, some of the jobs are not so patient, either. For instance, the carpets which are awaiting my attention keep leaping out at me, especially when it's dark, and they're always trying to trip me up. I can't lay the carpet in the front room because I haven't finished digging out the chimneybreast, facing the inside with brickwork, installing the stove and re-rendering bits of artistically hacked plaster. Well, I could, but I tell myself that wouldn't be sensible: and in this instance, I believe me.

  The carpet on the landing creates a bottleneck, and will continue to do so until it is laid in the front bedroom. The laying is held up because of the mess the cockatiel makes - I'm not putting a practically white carpet down just to have it showered with millet husks, so, the aviary in the garden has to be done first. And I haven't even decided where it's going to be...

  You know how some people manage to leave a trail of tidiness and order behind them? Nicely-polished surfaces with free space between the properly dusted items which will be sitting on mats or doilies? Everything in its place? Floor you can actually see? Well, wipe that image from your mind straight away: in my house the only really tidy areas are the ceilings, and that's only because I've run out of helium. While I tell myself that it's all down to the lack of cupboards, drawers, and shelves in the place, I know I'm deluding myself. In my presence, flat horizontal surfaces of an upwards persuasion are soon populated with things which have no no right to be there, or have no home, and/or which I can't bear to throw away, or which have a home, but because of some circumstance well within my control, I can't reach.

  Has anyone seen the kitchen table recently?

  As a last desperate throw of the dice I'm looking for someone to help me put up those shelves, to make and fit those cupboards and drawers, to put the stuff away and generally to help me get the place to the state where I could invite the Rector for tea and scones. Oh, and to make the ceilings untidy, of course. We can't let them get away with it.

  1

  My thanks to Mr. John Greetham who drew to my attention that there is - or was - an even longer note called a 'longa', or in English, a 'long', which, when perfect, amounted to the length of three breves, or if imperfect, two. This led, after some delving in a musical encyclopaedia (it plays the theremin in its spare time, and sometimes, sings) to the delightful discovery of the perfect and the imperfect 'large', which are three longs and two longs respectively. If I don't shut-up soon, I will have to edit the original note and rename it from a breve to a 'long', or even, should I rabbit on even longer, a 'large', thobut whether it should be a perfect one or an imperfect, I am not perfectly certain.

WARNING!
May contain nuts.

 


The following are a few of the things with which I might need some assistance:


  Note:

Some of the bullet-point icons below are links, and some more will become links as and when I have time to add pages. They may even change from being bullets. (Or to be more accurate, rounds.)


 
(Don't concern yourself with the anchor: it's there for mechanical reasons.)


Jpeg heading: 'Inside'.


Trimming and laying underlay and carpets;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;
bullet iconMaking bookshelves &c.;
bullet iconFinishing high shelf round front room;
bullet iconMaking pelmet;
bullet iconMaking tiers of concrete shelves for hi-fi;
bullet iconFinishing shelves for LPs;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;
bullet iconMantling dresser in the kitchen;
Stripping, priming and repainting woodwork;
Making proper board doors to replace the horrible flush hardboard and cardboard 'improvements' installed some years ago;
Removing (by a process akin to quarrying) the contents of two chimneybreasts, and facing the insides with brick, and installing register-plates and in one, a stove, and in the other, a Rayburn;
Plumbing-in Rayburn;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;

  Fitting indirect hot water cylinder and plumbing it in;
Lining chimney stacks with flexi stainless steel pipe; Note: No clambering over the roof is required for this job.
bullet icon Decorating attic room; fitting bookshelves, hi-fi separates, desk, window shelf, etc.;
Making a mattress for the bed in the attic room;
(Because the hole in the floor is too small to get a ready-made one through.)
bullet iconMaking cupboard on landing;
bullet iconMaking bookshelves on landing;
bullet icon Replacing temporary bookshelves in the study with something more permanent; (And prettier! [Ed.] )

bullet icon  Rebuilding Pentium III;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;
Playing with - erm - I mean, testing the Pentium III
Re-routing of telephone cable and re-siting of socket;
Boxing-in of meters etc in the kitchen;
Re-siting of pipes for washing machine;
Gutting bathroom of rotten wood and replacing it with something maintenance-free;
   
    Has anyone seen the biscuit tin?
 		 

jpeg heading: 'Outside'.




link to bikebox.htmlMotorcycle stable roof to be re-felted;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;
Re-roofing the porch thingy outside the back door;
Enclosing of area by back door with Twinwall Polycarbonate to make a conservatory - of sorts;
Prospecting for a site, and constructing a pond in it;
bullet iconNetty to be restored to former glory;
link to bikebox.html  The floor of the motorcycle stable to be excavated, filled with rubble and a skim of concrete put over it;
link to bikebox.html  Back door of motorcycle stable to be hung;
Servicing lawngnasher;
Laying waste to grass with lawngnasher;
Helping to keep thirsty plants and seedlings well fed-up and agreeably drunk;
link to bikebox.html  Shelves to be put at the back of motorcycle stable and filled with tqt; (Top Quality Tat)
Removal of rockeries, and redistribution of the soil to the front garden (which is too low) and the 'rocks' to a place where they will be useful;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;

  Building aviary for the Burd;
bullet iconRemoving and transplanting any useful or decorative plants from what was a bed at the bottom of the garden, to precede the next step: namely, to remove (possibly with the help of a JCB and driver) the conifers behind the bed, the whole caboodle to be replaced with a garage for the Land Rover, and a workshop at the rear;
Land Rover icon  Refurbishing Land Rover;
Tying-up and training grape vines and fig tree;
Planting fruit trees and training them;

  Trimming hedges;
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;
link to bikebox.html  Stripping, repainting and reassembly of motorcycle;
link to bikebox.html  Repainting sidecar chassis and fitting to motorcycle, and restoring and refitting (with lights), sidecar body;
link to waterworks.htmlGetting generator working;
bullet iconMaking platform for orange-juice bottle and plumbing it in to hot-water system and toilet cistern. The woodpile which is now in front of it may need to be turned into smaller bits of wood which will fit into the stove in the front room...
  Molishing tea, and drinking it;

green and geeky icon, link to waterworks.htmlPossible molishment of alternative generating systems, such as a wind-powered alternator, photoelectric panels, solar energy absorbtion heating panels, etc..


  You may have noticed that tea has been mentioned. You may also have noticed that there is no reference to coffee. This is not a mistake: I dislike coffee. Coffee is not forbidden though, but special arrangements would have to be made if the successful applicant demands it.

  Subject to the availability of funds, the job could spill over and beyond the listed projects: indeed, it is almost certain to do so, funds or no funds, but be prepared for cash-flow problems. You mustn't bank on a regular and reliable weekly income: it might not happen that way, however much both of us might like it to.

  In the event of things working out well, there's enough planned to keep you (and me) out of mischief for a very long time. Depending on your outlook on Life, you may or may not look on this as a Good Thing.





More fun than work - allegedly.

Applicants with a working knowledge of command-line Linux will be favourably considered.
But don't worry - you might not even know what I mean by that - and it isn't crucial.
It'd just be rather nice.
Innit.







Nothing on this group of pages constitutes an offer or a contract. Any work offered as a result of a response to this prospectus will be on the basis of a mutual trial.1
1 But not, I hope, tribulation.