From alt.music.radiohead: Me: "You've got a 5 cd player? Lucky Sod.... :)" Neil Kearns: "No, but I have 2 hands, so I can make my CD player work like that. Look; i) Place CD 1 into CD player. ii) Play CD 1, while opening CD 2's box. iii) Remove CD 1, put CD 2 in. Repeat with CD's 3, 4, 5 until bored. Do you see?"

For an explantion of what the Beret is, go to the WTF

27/4/98 --- Video Games Corrupt Generation, erm, Y?

"The young of today disgust me. All they do is sit, and watch television, or play TV games. Or whatever they are. Huh! Disgusting.....

"I can't understand how this country can let these toys currupt the lives of under 15. I don't know how they actully do this, but they do it well. I met someone yesterday, clearly affected by games. He said to me "Yes sir?". No one calls me Sir. No one. HAH!

"Games can have adverse effects, you see. Like overdose. Too many 'hits' of it, from what I've been told, can make you go all giddy, and laugh about. And we want none of that. Drugs are fun though, I have no problems there. But Lara Croft and Grand Theft Daughter should be taken away and locked up. They currupt the generation!

"What's this that you don't belive me? Look at the facts, Drugs are taken by 43% of kids. The rest are playing games. They should be sniffing and smoking for crying out load. Much more constructive.

"I love Tony Blair. In the past year he has done tonnes for this country. He's:

"He is a genius, and Peter Mandelson is an even bigger one. We should, each morning, go to their seperate homes and tell them how great they are. Soon after, they will pat you on the head, and tell you how much of a good dog you have been, yap! Yap!. I love Mr Blair(God Sakes Shut UP! - God)

"But Life could not function without me still. Everywhere I go I lightup the way forward (You've forgotten about me again - God) for a better life, a better understanding of the world (Look if you carry on like this I won't reserve that room you wanted in Heaven, you know, the one with on-suite female angels. Jesus - God) as it is in New Happiness. We are the new creators (I might make you share with Elvis - God) of this great, new communicative system. And I will lead the way (Oh Shut Up, and get back to what you normally do. Oh you are. Talking Crap - God)

"Our Tone's setting up a drugs taskforce. Which is great, I'll have free access to anything I like then. Brilliant. Legalise Cannabis! WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That's it, I'm arranging something with Death, you won't like it. - God)

"Before I go, I now have my own Au-Pair. And boy, she gives Half. Erm...."

Don't have a clue? Leave the country. Or more easily, look down.....

19/4/98 --- I'm part of the Information SuperHighway now

"Hello! Hey man, give me some TCP/IP, 'cus I'm now part of the Information Superhighway. Cool man. Hooked up. Wicked. Safe.

"I had first heard of this phenomon though a Cool Britannia meeting. Someone said "Yeah, the Internet's good to get onto" and gave us a seminar about it. Immidiatly I wanted to buy a, err, MC. Or a PC, or something. So I went to PCWorld and asked for help. They kindly said "err, yeah man. Hang on. Right, what did you want? Ah, see. Right. For the net you can have this 486. It, err, does stuff like email and browsing. Should run IE4 quite fast" He was very honest and truthful, I think.

"So I set it up, and got going. I switched it on, and it blew up. Something must of gone wrong. So I bought anouther and asked for someone to fit it for me. Easy! Cost £50....

"I next tried to get onto the net. I found my modem, switched it on as it said in the manual, and installed some internet software called 'MSN'. I suppose this stands for My Sorted Nutter, or something 'cool' and 'young'. It asked me for credit card details. I tapped them in. Then it stopped working. Odd. So I called Technical Support. It was a very enjoyable call. Yes, I do like the classics. I didn't know classic fm supplied a phone service. Must subscribe. Remind me.

"In the last couple of days I have attended 5 major public conferences. All of which I had to do speaches on. Alistar Campbell suppiled them for me. He said 'Read them you idiotic cunt'. He's a fine lad. Of course I don't belive in any of it. But I did it anyway. For the Party. Yes.

"Au-Pairs can be really nice girls. I wish I had kids so I could have on in my house. Alistar's was a very nice girl. Very, very, ahem.....

"I've just recently seen Paul Makenna and I've never felt better. New Labour are an excllent party. We should all worship them. Tony is God, all rise to tony. All rise! ALL RISE! YES! YES! COME ON PETER, DO HIM!.

"Paul Makenna should really be a doctor you know. I was there at stormont last Good Friday and I saw him, weaving his work on the the negotiators. Excellent man. Should have a MBE for his work there.

"My TV series has got off to a great, important start. It has established as who I am, and amazing man. A remarkable man. A man, who's name may decive. It is, of course, Pink beret. A Piller of society. Goverment could not function without me(Watch it - Alistar), God could not function without me. Noone, could function without me. Sex, could not funtion without me. The Internet, could not funcion without me. I am O2. I am H20. I am life, I am the embodiment of it. Some are complaning that it's too 'egotistical' and a load of 'balls'. I say nah, it's being optimistic.

"Finally, this week with Cool Britannia I went to Japan. Someone said 'Look, British Idiot!' and I said ney, I am 'The Way of British Life'. And they said 'Ah, are all people in your country so insane?'. I these put down to him 'Bugger off before I hit you'. He ran away. I have one again! Yes!

"Bye!!"

Havn't got the faintest idea? Read down foul child...

13/4/98 --- Trips around the world and stuff.

"This week I have been going around the world with the Cool Brittannia Panel. We have been promoting the "Cool" Britannia. I did this by giving out lager, man-united game tickets, and tapes of holligans shouting, to give the real feel of sport in Britian. I have also jumped around a lot whilst putting pills in my mouth and drinking lot's of water. Someone put some money infront of me, which was nice of them. I needed the cash.

"To really get the feel of cool britannia though, I had to go clubbing in the Ministry Of Sound. This is a very unfair ministry I think, in my opinion the MOS is bais in favour of club music. Really a goverment department like this should be more open to other genres. Like country music. It's also a goverment quango, which means I should be working there. Ahem....

"What is this thing they call 'clubbing'? The people taking part in what appears to be a sport just jump up and down and keep putting little sweets in their mouths. They have their own language as well, words like "Sorted" and "Fuck off you sad bastard".

"I asked one of the kind folk at the MOS if they would direct me to the appropiate minister in the office. Mr Pete Tong. He said his tunes were "Essential" "Kicking" and other incomprehensible words. Edventully after hanging around him for a while, I needed to go to the toilet. But before I asked where they were, he directed me right there. He said "Piss off over there you berk". I was then releaved. Some people called me a tramp, though.

"After the amazing success of the Fly-On-The-Wall series "Dinner Ladies" I am now directing a series about me, The Pink Beret. It's called, Mr Beret - A Gentlemen, and a Hat. It's to show the real me, how I lead my life and carry out my jobs. Some people think it's a big ego trip that simply glorifies my already crap postition as an idiot. Huh! There's nothing wrong me! I'm a lovely, great, amazing, amazing again, great again, piller of modern society. An idiot? Nooooooo.....

"Peter Mandelson approached me several days back. He said I was very, very sleepy, and should get some rest. So I did. I woke up by a new Labour rally, on a podium. Labour MP's were cheering me on for some reason. I knew it. That Dress sense of mine always kills.

"I've sort of got myself back into that job at Labour, but now I'm a junior minister. Under the control of Alistar Campbell. I'm starting to get time lapse's, though, and I don't think I can carry out my job properly. Alistar says that's no problem though, and says that a man called Paul McKenna would sort it out. Never heard of him, but I heard that he sorts out stuff in your head. I'm seeing him next week.

"I have just recieved the royalties for my single with SASH. It sold quite well. I am very pleased with the grand total of £40 50pence. The people love me.

"Bye Viewers!!"

5/4/98 ---- Cool Britannia, is soooo f*cking lame....

"This week I have been assigned to the Cool Britannia panel. This panel of experts will, erm, go around the world making out that, err, Britain is, well, cool. Along beside me is Zeinab Bedawi, I LOVE YOU Peter Mandelson and TV's Nightshade. They picked me for the panel as I have great credentials in making thrilling TV series. And there was the small detail of begging Zeinab. She's a nice girl, you know.

"The panel have to decide on the 250 best british inventions this century. I picked the nuclear submarine, the tea-bag and tarmac. I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES Peter said 'Those are all very good suggestions, but the panel has decided for you to take these sleeping pills to relive your headache'. And that was very nice of him, because otherwise I would of woken up outside a Soho strip-club with a burning headache, but instead I just woke up outside a soho stip-club. Met Peter Stringfellow, though.

"The TV Series has been a burning success, as you can see from the ratings. We have now finished filming the fly-on-the wall series and the cast has now gone home err I mean they are now carrying on with their lives unhindered. Yes.

"Infact one of the cast has become a celebrity, and is also on the Cool Britannia panel of idiots. Linda the dinner lady. And she's more famous than me. Why is she more famous than me? WHY? I WAS THE FLIPPING DIRECTOR! I TELL YOU! SHE OWES ME HALLLFFFF!!!!!! But it's good to see a girl like her doing so well for herself, you know. I was at one of her do's yesterday. She was talking to this man, name of Paul Rose. Apparantly he's a well known director for doing all this oity-toity crap like Holding On & This Life. I'll be watching the pair of them. OHOHHAHAHAHAHAHAOHOHum.

"Finally, for the new look Britiannia we have coined a new anthem. It's called, surprisingly "We're better than you!" It goes

COOL BRITANNIA, BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES

WE WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER LOSE THE WORLD CUP

COOL BRITANNIA, NOEL&LIAM RULE THE WAVES

BUT THEY SHOULDN'T SHOULDN'T SHOULDN'T SWEAR ON THE BEEB.

"Peter Mandelson is dening it's exsistence...

"PS: The Sun scandle has cleared up this week, but I am firmly dening that I desposited £100,000 into Rupert Murdoch's personal bankaccount...."

If you havn't got a clue what the Beret is on about, read down....

29/3/98 --- I got sacked by WONDERFUL NEW LABOUR, ugh.....

"The Fly-On-The-Wall documentary is doing quite well. Channel 5's ratings went straight up this week for the show. From 200,000 to 200,001. Massive improvement if I do say so...

"What makes our show great? Well it shows what really goes on behind the dinner halls of Primary Schools. We show how it really is. We show it like we had just walked in there. It's all spontanous, you know. We don't have to pay script-writers, the cameras are about £5 each and the director does it as a hobby. The Fools let us into their sad, desolate lives. They don't know what they're in for. Sad, Sad individuals. And Linda's a right slag. I've met her, you know, and she offered me, erm, well, anyway. I can't stand the sight of them. I hope they get payback. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Er...

"After losing my job at WONDERFUL NEW LABOUR my Secretary has decided to stay along for the ride, ahem, with me. She said I was 'A Saucy Bugger' and after some negotianion, I gave her £100 to spend at Harrods. She'll be back for, err, some extra money.....

"I really don't like GOD Peter Mandelson anymore. I mean look what he did to my political carrer, he made up lies about my name in The Sun (well, sort of), and now whenever I mention WONDERFUL NEW LABOUR, that happens. Oh help me, my mind has been taken over. I can't say a bad thing about them. For example:

WONDERFUL NEW LABOUR has destroyed the lives of WHAT WAS I SAYING, I MENT THAT THEY HAS GIVEN OPPOTUINITY TO single mothers. And.

VERY, VERY NICE PERSON Tony Blair is a lying bastard YOU'VE TAKEN ME OUT OF CONTEXT, I REALLY MENT THAT TONY BLAIR IS AN INCREDIBLE PERSON AND IS HONEST, TRUTHFUL, AND A DECENT HUMAN BEING. And Finally.

Noel Gallager is a prat. SORRY, I MUST OF COUGHED. I MENT THAT NOEL GALLAGGER IS A MASTER OF THE CRAFT OF MUSIC.

"Well at least I'm not a Puffy Jacket MAN, SO GET DOWN, WICKED!!!!

"Finally, I wish to thank that Tomb Raider girl for a fantastic time in Bath. She's really friendly you know, and PR trips with Channel 5 are very, very fun....."

If you havn't got a clue about what I've been wittering on about, read down kind sirs.....

22/3/98 --- They've sacked me........

"I don't know what went wrong, I mean I didn't do nothin, bloody Peter Mandelson HE OWES ME HALF!!!!!!!!

I'm still working at Channel 5 though, they havn't sacked me yet. Some people look at me strangly though, and suggest I'm a immoral bastard, and should have never had been a Lord in the first place. Someone else said I sh@**ed my secertary as well. I don't know what a "sh@g" is, but I tell you she was a very nice girl.

"The Sun dosn't like me either, and has claimed I spent £3000 on a new flat for myself before I left office. Huh, LIES I TELL YOU!!!! LIES!!!!! I did not spend £3000 pounds, I used Visa which was linked to House of Lords trust funds. I think they would appreate the new decore. I think. Yes. it does look nice, Micky Mouse Paper and all.

"I have a new show at Channel 5 to oversee. It's a Fly On The Wall series called "Dinner Ladies". It tracks the day to day running of a Primary School canteen in Bristol. Theres Linda, the bossy, erm, boss, the in-the-closet Susan, who's secretly going out with April, who is married. Then there's Terry who has kids that go to the School that always beg her for more Starberry Custard. And all this over dodgy tasting Lasaunge. Great Television, and very cheap, too.

"When Channel 5 was launched, it set out to do many things:

"We have succeeded in doing all this. We can go home now, I think.

"Before I do leave for my Hat Hook, I would like to make a statment. new Labour is good for our country, and we will follow new Labour.

Wo, must of been that Message in the song........."

15/3/98 ---- BASTARD! HE OWES ME HALF!

"GOD (formally known as Tony Blair) spoke to me yesterday. He said he liked my new single that I have worked on with dance god SASH, but that he would like me to add extra backround sounds to it to cheer up the nation. I don't know what he means, but of course I'll add them, I want this great country to like my work. Otherwise I'll send it to sweden, and I'm threatning, you better like it! <Waves fist (Do hats Have fists? Imaginary Ed.).

"I'm also working on the new England song for the world cup. It's called newEngland, newFootball. Peter Mandelson suggested the title to me. I think it rather works well. The England football team is a great achivement by Tony Blair, only he and his goverment could pull off this amazing feet of great strength. Only with Labour, could we get into the grand finals. I love my country. I love Mr. Blair.

"Does anyone here watch Channel 5 news? Thought not. Anyhow, you've probably seen those dodgy camera angles. That was my idea. Instead of being a Labour Peer, before I was a cameraman, under a new Equal Oppotunitys scheem. Because of my obvious low hight, I could only take low shots. The Director loved it. I am now Director of Programs on C5. It's a little side job, you know, it isn't too hard. It's like managing a Piggy Bank, around about the same amount of cash to spend....

"Before I go, this week I made my madien speech in the House of Lords. There I asked what was being done about the plight of small hats across the UK. I was applauded in the House, as it was a revolutionary question. However, Peter Mandelson said even nicer things to me than usuall. He said I was going to see the whip. I've always enjoyed a bit of kinky.... Never Mind...."

PAndroid would like feedback on the Beret. Like him or hate him? Email him or leave a message on the Guestbook.

9/3/98------ Working with SASH

"This week, as promised I have been working with that dance god, SASH. Why he didn't notice my obvious talent before I do not know. We have dumped my original poem though, as he described it as "Anal Rentitive". Whatever Mr Sash. Here's the new version.

DUH DUUUUUUUUUUH DUH DUHDE DUH

DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHH DUH DUHDE DUH DUH

BUMBUMBUMBUMBUMBUMBUMBUMBUM

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a hat

On a mans head

I'm a hat

On a mans head. X2

I'm Pink WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah!

DAH DUH LA LADUH LELALELA

DAH DUH LA LADUH LELALELA

I hate the man!!! X2

I hate the maaaaaaaaannnn!!!!!! X2

YEAH!

DAAAAAAAAAHHHHH DUHHHHH LAAAAAAAA DUH

LAAAA DUH LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIsh, Fish, Fish, Fish, Fish, FIsh, Fish!!!!!!!!!

Duh Duh. DUUUUUUHHHH duhduh, Duuuuhhhhhhhhhh. Dop.

It's going to be sold for 99p next week kids[lie].

As I'm still working as a peer. I would like to mention how much Labour has done for this country, this new country, this year already, as you have may of had stupidly missed.

Thank you to the Daily Mail for that one (a great Labour Paper).

Anouther thing the labour party has acheived, is to invade the other side of the House of Commons. So when they look to the oppostion, they're looking at themselves! Only Blair could pull that one off.

Blair is god, see? <missile aimed, firing.....>"

4/3/98------- Millenium Project, V2

"After the past week I havn't been needed in iraq. Thankfully I kept my gold coin, so I bought myself into the Labour Goverment, I am now a peer there. At the Ministry with No Portfolio. This puts me under the great dictator, Peter Mandelson. He has lot's of great ideas[lie], and is a very honest man[lie].

As a result I have been placed in charge of one of the exhibits at the millenium dome. It's called "The Atomony Of A Hat". We're building a massive 400 foot beret, from my exact design. The idea came out of the blue, infact. In that hat you'll be able to realise what It's like sitting on The Man's head for 20 years (Bastard, he owes me half!). The Next exhibit will be the "Interactive" zone, where we stick 5 computers that barly work and put Doom on them. We hope it'll take off. Maybe.

I've also had the chance this week, to take part in the countryside march. I mean they deserve what they get, those farmers, They kill foxes, get money off the state. They disgust me, which is why I went out to protest. Funnily enough, 12 farmers punched me in after talking about my beliefs. Hmm.

Some people say I'm made from Fox's hair, but I'm not. I've never chased one Lamb in my life, and don't intend to. Noone's tried to kill me, either.

I better go now, my new partner (Harriet Harmen), is asking for me, Buy! <waves> <slapped> "

23/2/98-------------------------

N.B: This is page170's first ever fan fiction, this attempt may be a bit crap. Please, relax, sit on a couch, get a coke, chew gum, smoke cana[Censored by Jack Straw]. And read on......

"Hello children. And people who watch Fly On the Wall Documenterys. Well I told you I would be back, I mean, why not? I had nothing else to do. I hated the man. On his head. All the time. That's why I left him, in 1993. Well he left me really. Bastard. Never wanted him in the first place. I tell you he couldn't do <murbles on about his private life....> and that was the final straw. We had a row, and he decided to leave. Because he wanted the credit. It looked good on Page 474, whatever that was.

So what have I been doing since I have been gone? <No one asks> Well I'll tell you anyway. I have written a poem to describe shortly my last 4 and a bit years.....

I was a fish

Then a Crab

Pouching Eggs

In the Wind

I am now free again.

On a hook

Somewhere in Dudley. By Pink Beret.

I'm thinking of turning it into a dance track, something like "Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum, Fish, Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum, Crab, Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum, Eggs, Dum Dum IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ON A HHHHOOOOOOOOOKKKKKK. Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum". I working with a guy called SASH. Very original bloke.

Finally before I go, shame about Iraq isn't it? I mean why couldn't we go to war? I've been playing Quake for 2 years now and I can't have a go at the real thing. It is like Quake isn't it? I mean all Iraqis are monsters arn't they, and zombies... <massive booing in the crowd>

Well you might as well fuck off then..............."

By PAndroid. This is meant as a parody, please don't take it seriously. Updated most Wensdays.

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