"Ohmigod, they killed Kenny" - South Park, of course.
For an explanation of what the Beret is, go to the WTF
"That's...... Sooo......... sooooooooooooo. SAAADDDDD!!!!!!! But what the fuck was it on about?" "Read down nice ladee, and maybe afterwards you can rub me up!" "UGH!" [SLAP]22/6/98 ---- The End
INMATE NUMBER: #454/45/32 NAME: MR P BERET This report was filed on the 20/6/98, the day of the suicide attempt of the now deceased Mr P Beret. Mr Beret was locked up in the Isle Of White Prison after he was arrested. He acted rather strangly, causing the incidents listed below. The final one caused his unfortunte death. We have also included letters that Mr Beret had left.
INCIDENT 1: Mr Beret was reading teletext early in the morning, when he suddunly took reaction to something he was reading. The page appeared to be the games magazine "Digitiser" and he was looking at the Man page. Suddunly he threw the tv against the wall and started to do Monkey impressions across his bed. We thought nothing of this, and gave him something to calm him down. A belt ("Oooooohhhhh kinky" - Dodgy Year 9 kids) seemed to suffice. After putting this on him the situation just got worse. Mr Beret began to eat the belt. We could do no more to stop him. We let him eat the belt. It seemed to work.
INCIDENT 2: Just before lights out, Mr Beret began howling. When he approached him, we relised that the howling wasn't a traditional howl at all, but we found Mr Beret was calling out the names of New Labour politicians. We found this ultimatly depressing that night, and could not sleep.
INCIDENT 3: At breakfast Mr Beret decided to eat everyones meal. We wouldn't of minded, except that he was sick on one of the wardens as he left the dining area. That warden was also my girlfriend. Ahem.
INCIDENT 4: After the eventfull breakfast, Mr Beret again started to shout at the television. His words were "GIMME MY FUCKING HALF! WHO'S THIS ARSE ON YOUR HEAD????? I FUCKING HATE YOU! GET OFF MY TV SCREEN! AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" which at that moment in time we switched off the TV, and took Teletext away from him.
INCIDENT 5: Mr P Beret began to deterioate after this event, and started to huddle up into a ball. He cryed all night. We heard pitiful sobs, and similar things. He was then put on Suicide watch, just incase.
INCIDENT 6: Mr P Beret saw a belt on one of the wardens, and simply strangled himself. At first it didn't work, so he went and got a bowl, and tryed to knock himself out whilst using the belt. This did not work. In a final accidental stumble Mr Beret fell out of the window.
Mr Beret also left some letters, found after his death. Some of them are rather confusing, and criptic. For example:
Addressed to "Mandy":Mr Beret's body was taken from the cells last night, and a Funeral will be held next week. We are in debt to him. What?"Oh Mandy, please love me. I baked you some really nice polices! Oh lovely Mandy. Mandy, Mandy Mandy Mandy. Will you buy me a Millenium Dome mandy? Love me up Mandy! Oh Mandy! Oh Mandy! Oh MAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Addressed to "Our Tone": "Our Tone, play me some guitar strings. Make me feel, New again, like you did the last time. I love you oh Toney, Toney Toney Toney.[cont p.97]"
15/6/98 ---- England vs Tunissssiaaaaaaa
"I have to say, the atmosphere before the game started was incredible. It just hit me like a large bottle, no no, it was more a thump. No, actually, like a ton of bricks, that's it.
"I'm sure everyone enjoyed themselves on Sunday night, I know I did! Everyone was sooo happy and getting along so well. In the end one of us decided 'fuck it' and thrashed the place, great fun.
"I'm sure everyone felt the same way about it. ("Call yourself a fan" - BankyBoy)
"When the game started though, I just felt part of a large crowd of people, I really did. It was just magnificent how a crowd of people can BLOOOOODY DEAFEN YOU!!! If I hear three lions again, I'll fecking scream! NO! WE WILL NOT SING CRAPPY POP SONGS WHEN I AM AROUND! GOT IT? Worship me! Worship me! Not shearer, me. ("He has a point. ME!" - God)
"The game was crap and boring. I hate England now. England should be shot. Shot, shot shottty, shotttttyyyyyy. Shot. Down with them, and Hauge. And Blair. Doh!
"So what will I be doing with my spare time now? Well, I'm going to anouther world cup game soon. I'm taking some sports stuff with me. Bottles, Tear Gas, you know, usual. And all the skin-heads around me love it. I love it. I never though being a hooligan would be so fun. The media gives it such a bad name as well.
"That's why England has the bad name, see. Maybe we should rename it to Niceland. Or FairyWorld. How about DisneyLand? That'll be a good idea, that.
"Thanks to this world cup my political life has been put on hold for now. Why? I don't know, but the Torys are all evil sods that should be shot. I fancy shooting everyone today! Maybe I should get a gun. No, that's bad. It would be too heavy to carry on my back all the time, oh well.
"Some are now saying that I am demented and shouldn't be involved in politics or football. I say to them this. If David Mellor can do it, so can I.
"BTW We won the war, we won the waaaaaaarrr!"
(Shortly after writing this, Beret was arrested for looking a complete pigshin. He was sent back to britain for a day, cautioned, charged the price of a Big Mac ("The Offical Bloat-em-up of the World Fuck 98" - Advert) , and will go back to france post-haste. What?)
"OH GOD! OH GOD! HELP ME! HELP ME!" "Nonsense girl, it's not too hard, you just scroll down" "GET THE FUCKING SPIDER OFF ME!"12/6/98 ---- WorldCup98, a review
"Welcome to my fantastic review of the brilliantly great and majestic World Cup 98. I don't know where I am at the moment, but I know it's somewhere in France. But it smells horrible. Oh look, it's some rubbish. I'm in a tip! Lovely part of france this!
"So what have I been doing then? Well I've gone to see the Brazil V Scotland game. It was, well, just majestic. That bloke kicked it to the other scottish bloke, and then that other scottish bloke kicked it into the brazilian bloke who kicked it to another brazillian bloke who kicked it into the net. Or something like that. I should become a Radio 5 commentator!
"But that's not the half of it. Did you see that final second goal by that brilliant brizillian player? Amazing how he pretened to be scottish by putting the kit on. They really are what they say they are. Completly invisible! He even pretended that he was scottish by sulking afterwards. Fantastic! I love this game!
"Of course the scottish were thrashed, they played crap! The brazzzzzzzilians were flying over their heads for crying out load! Some of them had handgliders! Others wore large chicken type suits, and some were surrounded by ballons. Afterwards this french kiddie read out a speech to cheer them on. Majestic!
"But no, Brazil won't win the world cup. South Korea, I think, have every chance of pulling it off. They'll beat, err, that other country that's really good. And West Germany.
"Footix seems a good player too. Lots of character, and he's got great hair. Made from rubber though, which is a bit strange. But he's french, they're all strange!"
"England will do absolute crap. No one should have the day off on Monday. Also Top Of the World is the best pop song that I have heard since 'Lady In Red' by Chris De Berg[er]. I love my public ("But we hate you" - The Public).
"I'm off to spontanously combust now. Bye!
"Help Me! Bill Gates is trying to kill me!" "Here, special child, is the key! To get past (And find out what the fuck that Beret is going on about) you must look down towards the vally of Linux (or just downwards)2/6/98 ---- Reshuffle
"Mr Hauge. I love him. Oh I so, so love him. His Youthful looks, his 'cool' attitude. SO WHY DIDN'T I GET INTO THE BLOODY CABINET! So I'm not an MP? We're all equal's!
"Why has he done this to me? He knows what I stand for. I stand for sleaze, as I have shown in New Labour. I stand for not having a clue about the public, as I have shown in my travels. Now both of these are GREAT tory traites as we already know. I can't understand it, I just can't.
"So I've decided, I will not take rejection. Oh no. I will stand on my own. I don't need THEM. THEM are evil. All of THEM. THEM are disgusting. We must get rid of THEM. So I'm making another, thrilling, fantastic, documentary, for, channel, five. It'll be amazing. It'll be the best programme you've ever seen. It will leave you speachless.
"What is it about? Erm......
"I have had several ideas for 'The Great Documentary Project.' Train Numbers sound pretty thrilling to me. Don't they you? I love my Numbers. And my anorack. I don't get the time to go Trainspotting anymore. [Sniff] ("Oi! Are you dissing Trainspotters? I'll have you know TS'ers don't just where anoracks, but Kappa Jackets too! I hope your happy!" - Disgruntled Reader) ("Oh Fudge off, look cake!" - Biffo)
"The intricate life of a hamster is also on the drawing board. Now that is fantastic! There little homes are just soooo cooooosssssyyyyyyy. I want to get into their minds. Their thoughts, their dreams. One episode could be about the eating habits of a common old garden hamster. That just seems so fun!
"I could also write about how great My Man Bill Gates is.... ("And suddunly, from above, millions of Windoze 95 haters fell on Mr Beret. And he was so angry. So so angry. So he cried, and he cried and he cried. They found him in the woods after wouds, with dioherra!" - Dodgy Kids TV Narrator) Maybe not.
"I'm telling you, this project will be great. And my people, yes, MY PEOPLE MR HAUGE, will love them all up ("Oi, that's my Neigh-line. Look, haha! I said Neigh! Haha!" - The Horse on the index page.)
"Of course the TV programme will not take up all of my availible time. Oh no. I need more persuits of my own. So I have become a Football fan, and have bought a ticket to the World Cup! How could they sack Gazza though? It was disgusting, a national outrage, the people, MY PEOPLE MR HAUGE, will be furious. So what does he do?
"As a footie fan, I will go to see England vs Tunisia, and I will write a game report ("Match report, dick head" - Ed) on the experience of seeing it live. I will go with all my collegesiiimean fellow fans, of course. And no, I will not be having a gala dinner before and after the game. That is bad of course. Very. I will just be having it after.
"Trainsspotting, oh to do it again..... Hang on, wasn't I with the Man at the time. BASTARD! HE OWES ME HALF! Christ. I havn't said that in a while. I feel much better now.
To find out what the Beret is on about, you could take a course in paraschology or something I can spell, or you could just look down.24/5/98 ---- Evil
After escaping from the evil home of evil criminals thats evil, I have been recieving much help from the people around me. The ordeal, oooooohhhhhhhh, was horrrrible. Oooooohhhh. They trreeated me like I was dirt on the ground. It was disgusting
They forced a confession out of me. Oooohhhhhh. Yes they did. I shouted "Innocent" several times, but the bloke next door told me to shut up. I kept my feelings inside me. I didn't explode. But I did nearly strangle a Prison Warden.
(The Rest of this extract can be seen on Panorama Next Week)
So after that little interludeiiimean ordeal, I have been able to get back to business. Except I havn't. I have been sacked from the Labour Party. I hear there're holding the By-Election next week. Whatever that is. It sounds boring. Tony will get me in anyway. You'll see. Our Tone. He loves me ("No he dosn't. He hates you. You cretinous old fool. Christ, people these days" - God).
I've had to find "other" employment. I went first to that great shop the "Job Center". I said I was an ex-MP. They laughed, and said they were "The Spice Girls". Ha Ha Ha, they're so funny, Geri, Vicky, Emma and the two Mel's. Real Comedians. You know, if they hadn't had told me, I would of never knew. Anyway I asked them what I could do, and they suggested cleaning.
So I went to the Savoy and asked for a job. They gave me the great post of "Head Cleaner". I was soo happy. I love scrubbing toilets. Scrub Scrub. Scrub away. Oh the scrub. I love scrubbing. Lot's of good old scrubbing. Let's keep scrubbing. La di da. AGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After my little "episode" I applied to the Tory Party. Well, if anyone would want an ex-Labour MP, it would be them. They immidiatly gave me a Peership. Oh the fun! I can go and, err, umm, err, canvass!
I feel so great with my new life, I no longer have to worry about government. And now I'm with the Tory's, I'll NEVER have to worry again.
I started to canvass in my area for a vote for the tories. Some people said "Wanker." Others "Who the hell are you?" So I told them "I am a member of the great conservative party". And it's funny, they all laughed again. One of the people I went up to said "Yeah, and I have a great dustbin in my backgarden." Isn't it great when you can laugh with the whole world? Ahhh.....
I love my party already. I feel I belong to it already. It's:
Just like ME!
- Useless
- Crap
- Boring
- Old
- Going nowhere
- Minute compared to Labour
Before I leave, I give my comiserations or Mr Suharto. You were a truly great leader. Lots of Love and kisses, Beret.
DOWN WITH THE STUDENTS! DOWN DOWN DOWN!
"But Mummy, how does Mr Beret do so much?" "SHUT UP AND LOOK DOWN!"17/5/98 ---- I escape!
It was hard, I know. It was difficult. I know. But I managaed it. Yes. I was galliant. Yes, thank you, thank you. I have escaped from the Isle of Wight Prison. Yes.
So how did I acheve such a feat? Well it will baffle the minds of even security experts. No one will ever work out how I escaped. But I will share my secret with you my friends, yes, you! All my friends! ("Friends? Sorry, we're just here because the advert for page170 was actually, quite funny. What are you on about?"- Readers of page170) It went something like this........
10 am - I visited a court hearing. It was horrible, so horrible, that I cried all the way though it. Someone offered me tissues but I wanted no pity. I went into rage and said "Er, no thanks". When they asked "Do you think you will do this again?", I plucked up my courage, took a defencive stance and said "Probably Not." The court was instantly offended, and took me off into a van. I don't belive you!
11 am - At the prison, I gatherd up my things, to escape. These consisted of a Brush and a pipe-cleaner. These would be my tools, they would be deadly. No one can stop me!
12 am - I carefully walk down to the entrance of the prison, and walk though the reseption. To fool them, I let them check me for weapons. The evil, vindictive man at the desk said "Off you go then". He was so stupid, I wasn't going back in! The silly fool! I walked straight out the building, no one could see me. I had escaped!
So what did I do for the rest of the week? My Mandy came up to me and said "Look Mr Beret, time's have been hard for you as of late, why don't you just leave the commons for a bit and go home to your consituency". I though long and hard about this, I pondered, just what is a consituency. And I realised, it's my custard! He just didn't like how thick my custard was. I'll sort that out next time I make any. Funny, I don't even cook.
I hear Our Tone has gone to a G8 convention in Birmingham. I went to a convention once, back in 1985. The star-trek convention in Earl Court. I went looking like a Klingon. I wonder what Our Tone went to the G8 looking like. I don't know what G8 actully means, It's g so I'm assuming something to with a Garden. Did he go like a Garden Nome? Oh Our Tone!
And he's meeting the lovely Bill Cilnton. I like his wife, who is very nice. Her bed is nice and fluffy, and her silk cusions are just amazing! What?
If Our Tone's going like a Nome, then what is Bill going as? I hear he's a very keen solicitor, so he may just turn up as a lawyer. Maybe, or even someone that's ("Bonked" - Ed) all the women in america. But I can't imagine that happening. Bill Clinton? Surly no? ("It's not, you pixy!" - Hislop).
Finally, I have finally sued the Mirror for that thing they call libel. I hope the Sue brings the Mirror a lot of it. Ha Ha! Just a little joke there! I hope Mr Hislop is listening! ("I am, and it's awful" - Hislop) Maybe he can get me a job at the Private Ear? Yes? Why not? Come on, all the material I've supllied you with for months!
Before I go really, (I had you going didn't I!) I give my full support to Mr Suharto in Indonesia. Crush those stupid Students. Crush them all! All! Stop Them! Yes.
"But Sir, This Just Looks like Nonsense" "Rubbish, look down good squire!"11/5/98 ---- Dagnammit
"Comrades, fellow members of the sovieterrrImean the Labour Party, I have bad news to break. I have been WRONGLY - yes, remember the WRONGLY - imprisoned on the Isle Of Wight prison. I feel so, soo, sooo, cheated, ABUSED AND BADLY MALNOURISHED! The food in here is disgusting, I mean, it's like this place his meant for foal, insolent, disgusting, criminals. I expect first class service for crying out load! Huh!
"You may ask me friends, what did happen. Well, I will tell you, NOTHING happened. Yes. NOTHING. They are all LIARS. I did not jump-on-an-innocent-man-only-selling-video-games but I was using my rights, as a British Citizen, (You don't have rights, HA! - Presscott) to protect the nations children from evil greed. Also he had my wallet. Look, fingerprints. Don't you see? DON'T YOU SEE? GET. ME. OUTTT!!!!!!!!!. Ahem.
"My parliamentary business has, of course, been stilifled. I havn't been able to worship what is Our Tone and My Mandy (I apologize for the sack I gave you next week - My Mandy) as much as I would like. So I've made little statues of them, and put them on my selves. Each night I sit down, kneel, and read their priceless bidding. Those Question Time Questions. Oh, they make me tickle. Oh, anouther one. Give me some spin. OH! OH! OH! It's the only thing that keeps me going.
"I have also learnt other hobbies whilst I've been inside. I can now count up to 300 and 41 like no other person can. I can do it, you see, in less than one second. And it's very fun. My roommate, thinks it's funny, tonight he's promised me a "real good kickin". I don't know what that means but it sounds like a lot of fun. I can't wait. Kickin, rhymes with Chicken. Yo, Chicken by brother. Yes! WO! Ahem....
"The Papers have been lying about my stay in this institution, they say it's all just part of "Labour Party Sleaze". Well I tell them this, whatever bug or cold that might be, I do not have it. I have had flu in the past 5 months but no, I have not had Sleaze. Is it a new bug? I heard it's going around the Commons like a house on fire. I like fires, me.
"This bug was linked to the Tory Party for a while I hear, which is a shame, it would be such a sad day to see old little baby Hauge (IIIIIIIIII ammm not a baby, IIIIII am a Tory Parrrty Leeader - Old Man Young Man Bald Hauge) get something like that. Chooocee coo. Choocceee cooo. (Out, now - Fat Man Prescott)
"I'm bored here really, I would like something to do. I want that magical pager to go off. Go on pager, go off. Just beep. Please beep. Pleeaassse beep. Tell me to vote, go on, tell me to vote. You know you want to. Vote, yes vote. Please vote! You will bleep, you will. Beep for crying out load! It's bleeped, it says, erm, "Stop telling me to Bleep, I hate you you basookoid - Bleeper...". Now what does that mean, oh Mr Bleeper Man? What does it mean? Do the trees hang in the wind? Oh bleeper man. Oh Bleeper man. Oh. Bleeper.
"I am not going mad, you see. I am not. I am not talking to my bleeper. It is a voice activated bleeper. Yes. Oh course. My Names George Micheal, BTW.
"Did I tell you I can sing? (Grabs Guitar - All Seeing Being) I knooww wheerereee it'ss attttttt........
"Before I go, that woman you won the Eurovision. Get some of that, eh? God she's gorgeous. I love that woman. I'll invite her around next week, for some, okey pokey. Wrow. Wrrrowww. Yeah. Cool. (Shall I tell him? - Ed)
Havn't got the Faintest? Look at the past Beret Archive, and go see.3/5/98 ---- My Fight against the Video Game Menace
"This week I have started my quest against that Video Gaming Menace. They must all be stamped out, and all kids must watch my TV show creations instead. Yes. Much better they are.
"I launched the deed by first walking into the shop they call 'Electronic Boutique' but what I call 'Selling of Evil And Damaging Goods'. I Entered the seller, and switched 25 copies of 'Mario 64' with 'Beret: A man, A Pillar'. I then opened all the copies of the game 'Resident Evil 2' and spat in them. There, that will stop the kids (and no, I did not get picked up by Security after wards, and I did not get called 'A Bloody Idiot' by the Sun Newspaper. They're all LIARS!!!!! LIARS!!!)
"My Next action was the Hard Sell. I went around the street of London, meeting kids in their natural environment, and selling them 'da video's man. Wicked. I did this by using Street Slang like "Yo, dude man, stuff yer vid games and buy my wicked video." I sold the grand total of 50! (Lying Bastard, you sold 1, and that was to Cash Converters. I saw you. I see everything - God) Someone even told me in cool street language that I was a "right gumboid, feck off". I love my people!
"I then took the matter to the holy place of Government. I walked into the chamber, and read a long speech about why I should lead the way for policies against the wrath of Video Games. It was received quite well, and seeing it was an empty chamber at 4am in the morning I think I did OK. Might be law soon.(I'm sorry about the death that happened next week.... - Our Mandy)
"I love my Mandy. My Mandy's great. He does anything for me, as long as I give back in return. For example, last week he let me speak to some people in his company, oh I was honoured! I love this government, and what they're doing!
"And have you seen all the pagers we've been given? They're really nice they are, they tell us where to go and what to do. I love them! It's like you don't have to bother with your own live anymore, the pager does it all for you. I love the pager. I kiss the pager! My Mandy thought of that!
"And isn't it great in that little way in they don't control anything from parliament anymore? I think it's ace. Our Tone and My Mandy does it all themselves. I love My Mandy. And Our Tone. Aaahhhhhhh
"Our Tones smile is so nice, it makes people happy Our Tone does. Our Tone seems to have a great effect on people. Look at Evil Foetus William Hague. He looked at Our Tone and went bold. That tells THE CONSERVATIVE SCUM!! I'LL GET YOU YET! WROOOWWW!! RRRRROOOOOWWWW!!!!!!! Yes.
"Recently I have tried out the beverage known as Dr Pepper. Yes, it is not a cola, whatever that is, but it is very, very brown. It tastes of fruit. It's a rip off in my honest opinion. Think about it, you can go and by fruit else where can't you for much less, and it still tastes the same......
"What? Deranged? What does that mean?"
By PAndroid. This is meant as a parody, please don't take it seriously. No Longer Updated