Possible other names for alt.digitiser: alt.weird, alt.strange, alt.offourheads, alt.emulation, alt.irrelevant (and anything else that's got nothing to do with digi....)

The Diary of Mr Civil

Mr Civil was once, a truly exciting person. He was a pillar of the local community, he built many great structures in his time. However, he passed away in his last days. Many a people grieved on that day.

But with his diary's, we can now find out how he felt in his last days, and how he felt. They make for riveting reading.

Entry 1st May
I brush my teeth. This brushing is in fact, horribly intresting. I ponder on how I should properly brush them. I try out 10 different styles of brushing. It is fascinating. I've found that using a mirror stops you from getting foam all over your hand. I love the feeling. I've never used a mirror before. After 2 hours of brushing, I took off to the great place known as work. Oh the work. It's so crushing and bad on me. I think, why should I work? Should I have been a sea urchin instead? Then I realize, I am Self Employed, I don't have work. And I think, what am I on about? I stop talking to myself. People stop looking.

2nd of May
I have become tired of using toothbrushes. I have moved on to Dental Floss. The Floss is very useful. Instead of using it for brushing my teeth, however, I now use it to smooth down my fingernails. It is very efficient.

I decide to employ someone, I am bored still with just myself. I enter the job centre, and ask to place an ad. The woman at the desk gracefully gives me an application form. She does it with such a perfect move. I've never seen anything so beautiful. That move, that made my day...

3rd of May
Today, instead of either Toothbrushes or Dental Floss, I have chosen shoe polish. Neutral feels very nice on the teeth. I wash it off so I don't poison myself. I feel OK. I have had a brush with death. I feel amazing. I could kill 100 men. But I won't. I'll play Quake, instead.

Nothing from the Job Centre yet. I wonder why. Why havn't they replied quickly? I am puzzled.

4th of May
I have given up on brushing my teeth. Last night they all fell out. I am unhappy. I feel like I need dentures.

After pondering the Job Centre problem, I realize, I havn't taken back the form. And I thought everyone was like me! So simple. I love simplicity. It's addictive. I could fall in love with it. I have.

5th of May
I see my dentist. He says "You shouldn't off brushed your teeth with Shoe Polish." I explained why. He mentioned "That's ok then" and suggested I should go to a mental hospital. Oh the vulgarity! Oh the rage! I said "Thank you" and walked out. With some dentures. Of course. I didn't hit him. Honest

The Job Centre said that they will find it hard to find a "Civil Engineer." I therefore have a problem. I am on my own again. Apart from my wife. Who I can't mention, because, she's not like me. She's mad.

6th of May
I feel like something has been lost in my life. I no longer have to brush my teeth in the same way. Instead I place the fake teeth in some fizzy drink. I watch the bubbles go up to the surface. The Surface is so nice and flat. Why can't I be flat. I wish to be 2 dimensional. The confindes of 3d space are horrible. Why do need two eyes? Why? Why not none?

I have to designing a new building today, all on my own. I manage it, but I feel lonely. My Wife says "I'm here for you" but she never is. Why am I with her? Why does she live here? Who is she? I play with the toothpaste. It gives me the idea for the building. It will be made from Steel. Yes.

7th of May
I eat the toothpaste. I eat nothing more each day. I feel that with the toothpaste, I can regain something that I have lost. I get bored of it though, and I am sick twice over. Oh well.

Putting my shoes on is a fantastic task. I enjoy it so much, I do it all the time now. I now wear shoes all day. The dog asks me for something to eat, I tell it to go away. What a shame. It's always begging. It should stop begging.

Tragically, the diary ends here. Except for some letters burnt into the paper, they read:

"You're too boring to keep alive. Please go, I have to read these things you know. Signed, God. And bring some bagels. I'm hungry."

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