"My Day with Bill"

Mr Ed ("No relation" - Ed) is now a frequent poster to that great tomb of, erm, ASCII, alt.digitiser. His recent "I bough a dreamcast" post cheered many people up. Now, he sings again for us, in the form of a page170 article. Take it away Jack! ("My names not jack" - Ed) ("Sorry?" -That other Ed....)

It was a usual day for me, conspiring and plotting against all who hated me, when my computer alarm detected a very odd e-mail had arrived. I looked at it and this was what had been written:

" Dear Ed,

I understand you hate me a lot, however since you use Windows, I feel we can really be the best of friends (providing you agree to the terms & conditions and buy Windows 98) so meet me at Microsoft HQ over here in ol blighty on Wednesday, I'll pay the fee for you to come and go back.

Yours Sincerely,
The president of Microsoft,
Bill Gates. "

I thought "How odd, what is he planning?", however because I'm an incredibly curious person, why not jump on the bandwagon?

The plane touched down at 5pm UK time, where I suffered a bit of jet lag and so bought some crisps, and immediately went BLEURRGH! They were the most disgusting things ever made, and so I threw it back at the oh so smiley American flight woman, where she hid in the toilet for goodness knows how long.

After coming to the gates of Microsoft I had to have countless security checks, strip search and interrogation for 2 hours, before I could even enter the building, where I was escorted to the waiting room, full of nerds talking about the millennium bug and that. Just as I sat down, a huge loudspeaker deafened my ears partially with the words "ED, GET YOUR ENGLISH BUTT RIGHT OVER HERE". Although I would have destroyed it, there were three back up speakers, and nine back ups of the back up speakers, which would have wasted time, but I did it anyway.

Going on the lift, I saw this very smelly person decide that his hygiene should come before my horror, which also was worse with the hidden security cameras dotted everywhere. Getting out and catching some recycled air, there was this gleaming door about 100 meters ahead, where there was an army of guards 7 feet tall all waiting as if I was just a flea to them, needing squishing. "Nazis, eh?" I said to one, before regretting it.

Going through the door in a half bewildered state, I saw the man himself, along with two aliens by his side. "Welcome", he said in the most punishing voice ever, "I hope you weren't too distressed by our security checks". If I didn't hold myself back then, I would have killed him slowly and painfully, until I'd make a scarf out of his small intestine. "We would like to take you on a tour of how Microsoft is the best company in the entire world" he said, his grin getting larger with the aliens conferring about torment or something nicer.

As he opened a secret door to his left I unobligingly followed him down this dark tunnel, full of bats and pet dinosaurs made by cloning and other unheard of species. "Watch out for the spikes" he said, even more ego full than before, if possible. I was starting to dread this when the aliens behind me tripped and a remote control fell onto the murky floor, becoming partly damaged. In front of me Gates suddenly went mad, shouting "BZZZZZZELRP, PLIP POING, windows makes great glass" and other odd things, then I realised the aliens were controlling Bill Gates; he's a robot! I shoved the aliens aside and ran past the guards who decided I needed beating up again, before eventually getting down the lift almost unconscious, escaped the building and found a secret exit, made by someone called "Jenny" who wrote on the piece of paper and claimed to be the only survivor of the Bill Gates worldwide domination plan where everyone inside had been brainwashed!

I made it to the plane, where I was attacked with a hand bag by the flight woman for two hours, before making it back safely in England. I was about to change my e-mail address but I had one message to read:

" Dear Ed,

We have not finished, you will see how we do, you will see.

Bill Gates "

To this day I have despised Bill Gates and now you know why. The aliens are here, and they're using Windows to get you, oh yes. Never use a PC again, as Windows is evil and all other OS's are stupid, you have been warned.....