Ike, kick the Baby!
Ike, kick the Baby!
"Written" by PAndroid. Dated 23/7/98.The Letter that got Fat Sow SACKED! (By Mr Thrills)
Now, Mr Thrills can EXCLUSIVLY reveal what got Fat Sow sacked from Digitiser. The following letter, known to be sent to Biffo on the 13/7/98 was so shocking, that Fat Sow was removed from Digitiser by Biffo's Sub editor. PAndroid lies."Dear Paul,
"This week I have been facing overall euphoria. Yes I have. I have become a NATURIST!
"Don't get so horny viewers, that isn't the end of the story! Hello! Welcome back! I now LOVE the games industry! I just love it! Like a tree in the pond! Like Birds in the cutting machine! I really like it!
"Now you may mistake this for something sarcastic but NO! STOP RIGHT NOW! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I NEED SOME VIEWERS WITH A HUMAN TOUCH! Yippe! No, I really, really like it.
"I liked it so much that this week I took my large trotters down to Virgin Interactive and I did a strip show right infront of them! They loved me up! I feel so amazed!
"I love the industry so much that I have played naked volleyball with DAVE PERRY!!!!!! Yes I have, I have indeedy. I now use words like indeedy too. And I'm never sarcastic, no, never. Ever. Mever. With sugar on top. YIPPE!!
"So I really now I really mean it when I say that Sonic is a BABE MAGNET! And Mario is an ugly plumber that deserves a good blow("Censored by order of ME!" - The Sub) which I'll give him at ANY TIME OF THE WEEK!
"As for you Paul, I'll carry on writing the coloumn, but from now on it's Hardcorn Porn we're after sugar boy. Rub me up and tickle me!
"So what do I like now? I like Heartbeat! That actor bloke in it is so LUSH and lovely that I have to become a lover to appreciate him. I also now like Barry Manillow, his latest album wiped me on the floor and curled my tale up!
"I still like you though Paul, we could have a dinner again sometime? You can have Spagetti, I could have Chips. We could dance the night away and ("I HAVE OVERALL POWER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA" - The Sub) where I bet you will be ("Crap she said! Crap!" - The Sub) and I'll love you up all night. Now, let's give it some, tonight. At 8. At the farm.
"Tell my viewers that I want mint and green peas for breakfast, and also tell them that my snout is ready for anything! Even snorting! Like Human Snorters! A snort here! A snort there! There a snort! Here's a snort!
"I tell you what, let's have a massive fun day for all the viewers, I'll rub you up, and you rub me up! We can all rub each other up! And down! And up! I love rubbing!"
After this the letter just goes on and on about more Rubbing, Rubber and PVC. You may agree it's a tragic waste to see a pig go like this. But Biffo dosn't think that way.
How odd is it that he has just signed a chicken that, strangly, resembles the new fat sow? Is this linked to the end of the world? Weekly World News certainly thinks so:
"There is a definate link between Paul Rose and the End of The World"Consparcy theorys eaten, we still don't know what effect this has had on Teletext. The company may go bust. Who knows. Until then, this is Mr Thrills. Bye!(STOP PRESS - Fat Sow was re-employed on the 24th of July, 1998. Mr Thrills has been shot)