BILL GATES: The Man writes for page170.

Hello! Some of you consider me as God. If you do, then I can assure you that you're pay packet will be larger than normal. For all that consider me Satan, you should all be banished to hell! For we are Microsoft, and Microsoft, is one!

I can't see the problem you humans-I-mean customers have with us. We're just doing our job. We came to this planet, all of us, for one goal.

To get a Home Computer in every household, by the next millennium.

Some of you evil cretins belive that Me, William Gates the Third could not possibly achieve this goal. Of course we can't, instead next year we will be buying into Sony. So instead the goal will read:

To get a Computery Appliance into every kids bedroom that runs Windows CE (Surly "Shite Edition"? - Netscape)

We think, that as a company, a large, alter ego, this will be our biggest achievement ever. Ok so Sega did this before us, but not in the Microsoft style. Japanese Bastards.

Windows98 will be realised in May this year. You all have nothing to fear from the OS. It will not bite. It may bite your system but it will not bite you. We will do no harm to you. Your individual choice will survive. For coffee, as always. And tea bags. In that sense you will still be "independent".

All that claim that Windows' real name is Windoze will be shot. Hahahaaha, erm.

You know, your bill is really great. I came from nothing to everything. I'm better than all of you, all of your scrawl little lives staring at IE4 thinking that it's the best thing since sliced bread. I own you. I could pull the plug on you tomorrow, I could buy out the bloke that makes Linux. Nice little hansom sum. It would no longer be Free. I've already bought Hotmail, I can do it again. Nothing will be free, in my vision, there would be a Gates tax. For every MS service or product you used, every 5 minutes would be charged at $4. Since I'm also taking over your TV screen, washing machines and soon your internet access. I'm in there, taking over, me. Just me.

And the rest of MS of course. For we are one. The Borg is One. So MS is one. I'm not mad, I just love the world. Everything about it is amazing. And I want it. Simple.

You can have your Eastenders, I will make anouther. You can have your Countdown, I will make anouther. You can have your Oxygen, I will make a better one. Nothing can stop me. Not even the Justice Department. $1 million a day! Ha! I will beat you all. To a pulp. And I don't care.

I belive also, to further you English, that Saddam Hussian is quite a nice chap. We agreed that I should take over the United Nations. Why not? All those computers, makes me horny! Oh Christ. Err, how can I save this, I know. Yes.

What do you get if you cross Microsoft, Netscape, Cable TV, Sky TV, Digital TV and The Department of Justice?
MICROSOFT!

Thank you for your time. I love you all, you little PC's......