"How you diddling? Oh bugger off"

KILLER NET, done in a page170/digitiser stylee

The Critics said it was well researched. The Public loved it up. Everyone involved in the Internet or Video Games, hated it. Killer Net, a series that I can only give credit for for having various radiohead songs in the background of the trailers, is awful in every way. The actings crap, the script is bad, the plot is bad. It's just bad. Now, me (yes, PA), will attempt to remake it using various characters from this here website, and that Text Page. Welcome, to KILLER BOLLOCKS!

The Cast:

Morse: PC obsessed Student.
Lewis: Sex and PC obsessed Student.
Boring Well Acted Person That Shall Remain Nameless: Girl Lewis is shafting.
Mrs Puffy: Sex obsessed Female Student. You know. The one that shafted Morse and went on to shaft someone else
Mr Puffy: Bloke Selling Weed.

In The Game:

( - God): Weird In game voice

And The Porn Star Is!

FAT SOW!!!

Episode 1:

Morse: I'm gonna go to find a woman

Lewis: (shafting girlfriend) Huhoh Huhkay. Go lewis. Go! Peanuts! Ah!

(Scene moves on to a fun fair type thingy that seems to be 24-hours long and permanent).

Mrs Puffy: Like, hello!

Morse: Blah Blah Who the Fuck is she? Blah

Mrs Puffy: Fancy some fucky fucky?

Morse: Lewis, help me! What do I do?

Mrs Puffy: Come here (Mrs Puffy Kisses Morse).

Morse: Go away! Lewis!

Mrs Puffy: Hehehehehe, I've got your, like, car keys. Whatever!

Morse: Aggghhh, help me.

(Mrs Puffy jumps into car. Mrs Puffy takes knickers off)

Morse: OOoooooooohhhhh.

Mrs Puffy: heheheheh, like, fuckyfucky?

Morse: ooooooohhhhhh......

(They drive off back to Morse's house)

Nameless: Blah Who The fuck is that? Blah

Morse: ooooohhhhhhhhh......

(Morse's bedroom)

Mrs Puffy: Don't touch me or I'll give you a slap.

Morse: Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh

Mrs Puffy: Hehehehehehehehehe.

(PC on in background. 2 people getting off)

Mrs Puffy: Hehehehehehehehe (repeat till fade)

(Next morning).

Nameless: Blah Blah No sleep Blah Blah You had sex Blah Blah Yawn Blah

Mrs Puffy: Ohh, you got small tits. Hehehe, look at these! (Gets breasts out. God knows why. Sommit about appeal to pubescent 13 year old)

Nameless: Huh!

(Breakfast)

Nameless: BlahBlahBlah Be careful Blahblahblah Boring Blahblahblah didn't get sleep

Lewis: Morse, get over here!

Morse: What sir?

Lewis: Be careful with her. She is a wolf! Raa! Raa!

Morse: Yes sir.

(Several minutes past. This bits boring anyway. But basically Mrs Puffy buggers off to bugger someone else. Bugger)

Morse+Lewis: Huuuuhhhhhhhh

FatSow(On PC screen)(topless): I don't understand this. I mean, look, it can't happen in real life. The scriptwriters have got it wrong already. Look, it's just not on. Now let me have some dignity in putting my clothes back on.

(Knock at door)

Lewis: Go answer that

Morse: Sir

Mr Puffy: Hey man, respect, wicked. Look, weed.

Morse: Oooooh. Sir!

Lewis: I fancy a jolly old smoke.

(all roll up joints)

Mr Puffy: Ain't this wicked?

FatSow(On PC screen): OI! ARE ANY OF YOU WATCHING ME! IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL I'LL DISAPPEAR! I'VE GOT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER!

(LATER urr I mean later in the night)

Morse: Oh I'm so depressed, Oh I'm soooo depressed. Ohhh I'm soooooo depressed.

FatSow(On PC screen): Quit moaning. You're pissing me off. Now do you want me to go topless again?

Morse: Not without Lewis in the room.

FatSow(On PC Screen): God, perverts these days. Look, I'll send you a really naff game that my mother gave me. It's bollocks, but I think you might like it.

Morse: Ok, that sounds really exciting. I feel much better now.

( - God)(On PC Screen): You are about to plan an execute the perfect murder. Murder, funny word that. Actually I was just talking to Jesus about it. Says his Murder was quite funny. Hahaha. Yeah. You messin?

Episode 2:

(Morse staring at PC) Morse: When's my CD gonna turn up?

Lewis: I don't know. I don't care. Muh!

Nameless: Blah Postman Blah Forgettable Trash Blah

Morse: YES! YIPPEE!

Lewis: Calm Down Morse

Morse: Yes sir.

(Slap in CD)

( - God)(On PC): You are about to kill someone. You'll do this by stalking people and walking around acting a prat. So that shouldn't be too hard for you then. Choose one of these three birds. We have Madonna, Trisha and Sasha.

Lewis: I fancy Sasha. 'ave 'er.

( - God)(On PC): Thank you. You have 3 levels to complete. In the first you will have to stalk her, in the second you kill her, in the third you rape her. Seems simple enough, dosn't it? My next door neigh boor does it daily, don't you Satan? Yes. He's a good friend of mine.

(Various Pictures of Bright on appear on the screen, Morse clicks the mouse furiously to get around)

Morse: I've got to get some points!

Lewis: Points! We must have points!

( - God)(On PC): Naughty Naughty. You shouldn't of done that. Bad Bad. Please try again. And get me a coffee, I'm parched.

Nameless: Blah Blah Playing Blah Blah What the fuck Blah Blah I'm deranged lets go and research into being a serial killer.

Morse+Lewis: FUN!

(Some library sitting hours later)

Morse: We're soo deranged now we'll be able to get some points!

Nameless: Blah Blah Blah Pissed like a coot Blah Blah Blah Not saying anything worth noticing

Lewis: Let's go and play your game!

Morse: Points! My Kingdom for some points!

(Back at the PC)

( - God)(On PC): To win this level you must get 300 points, and clearly deranged.. But you'll never be as deranged as me. HADEHADEHA. Ahem.

Morse: Pointy Pointy! HADEHA! I've just killed Sasha!

Morse+Lewis+Nameless: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nameless: Blah Blah Blah Put Blah Blah Body Blah Blah Blah Away

Morse: More Points?

Lewis: More Points!

(Body is put away)

(- God)(On PC): Congratulations, you've passed Level 4. Now for an alibi. Can you think of one? Probably not, you're so thick you damn humans. Look, I can do impressions of Darth Vader. I am your father. Hahahahahahaerm.

Morse: WE'VE WON! I CAN KILL MRS PUFFY NOW

Lewis: Patience squire

(Series gets so awful here the majority of people watching it turn off their sets. Everyone goes to bed, or has a coffee)

THE END

Bad Spelling and script by PAndroid. Inspiration by NTK. Email me here. Woo Hoo! (Dated 25/5/98)