Puff went the weasel, and then he died children. He Died! HAHAHAHAHA! Erm....
Puff went the weasel, and then he died children. He Died! HAHAHAHAHA! Erm....
By PAndroid. Dated 24/8/98. All rights ignored.More from the libel-enducing newspaper. PAndroid gest the lawyers in.
THE DAILY LOWLINE #3
HEADLINE: Mad dogs invade Sudanese Embassy In protest to the resent mob invasions at British and American Embassy's around the world, Dogs decided to stand up for themselves. The mob leader, Mr Gruff, says "If the Englishman can't be men, then we will!". The Dogs, 45 in all, ran mad though the offices, completly unstoppable. Mr Blair has been the only idiot to back them, saying "I totally support this effort to quash terrorism." 12 dogs were shot, 4 were injured and the rest were taken in by loving familys.
HEADLINE: Islamic Holy War on Jersey and Gurnsey The Anglo-Muslim relations have been getting worse in the last week than they have ever been. The Governer of the Jersey made a comment this week that shocked the islamic world: "I really wouldn't want to wear one of those turbans." The Islamic extremist group "The Ten Men Wearing Turbans" were outraged, and planned an attack on one of the major channel islands. "We've never been there though," said Mr Adama-wawa-flabhaha "so the nuclear bomb could land anywhere in the region. Though we don't like the french either, so we might plan something for that area as well." Mr Blair backed this, in saying "We must back Turbans and all headdresses."
HEADLINE: NTK's frontman found with President Clinton in Passionate Embrace Danny O'Brian, fooled the subscriber's of the gossip-zine Need To Know into thinking he was on holiday, when he has actully gone to visit the president. "Bill had planned a visit to see him for ages now," said Whitehouse Aide B. Lair, "my theory is the missle was a signal to come over from Danny, who we all know, has contacts everywhere!" Danny was caught hugging the president, and some said they even "spoke." Mr O'Brian claimed nothing happend, and all will be revealed in the next miniNTK. Mr Blair backed this motion, saying "NTK must be read by every living, breathing, british person."
HEADLINE: Diana Hate Group "Tribute" celebration From our "culture" correspondent.
A Diana Hate Group named "Camilla" will stage a massive tribute party on August 31st. To be staged in Hyde Park, a mass of 30 year old Men are expected to go, drinks will be served all night and the police will be called in to keep things quiet. "We just want everyone to have a good time on a day so many misrable people come out to play," event organiser B. Manning proclaimed. A massive stage will be erected, on which 30 people will disscuss how much of a slag diana was, while later though the night an unknown singer will make up "Head in the Window". Impressions of Diana's death will be staged, and Diana effices will be burned as the night goes on. Mr Blair immidiatly backed the party, in saying "She was[n't] the Peoples Princess."
HEADLINE: Yeltsin Replaces Government with 20 bottles of Vodka From our Politics Correspondent
Yeltsins Done it again! Ain't he clever? Oh yes! He's replaced all of his cabinet with 20 bottles of vodka. Now, the great man says that he will make discisions by himself from now on, but only after the advice of a good, strong bottle of vodka. The 20 varietys chosen will give him a good idea of what to do next, even if he's pissed as a ("Bandicoot" - The Sub Ed). In a speech made last night, Yeltsin coughed "I promise you, the people of vodka[russia], that I'm not off my trolly. Oh no, I'm just an old communist! Ha Ha! Ha Ha!" Mr Blair backed this immidiatly saying ("That's Enough" - The Sub Ed.)
GAMES NEWS: Sonic's new sidekick is "a large turd" The Mad Japs have shocked the rest of the world again. At the first showing of Sonic Adventure, the non-japanese reporters were shocked to find that Sonic's new sidekick was simply just a large shit and that the new game was actully called "Sonic And Shit's Adventure." Though rumours are flying that the European and American releases will have slightly diffrent features, the Japanese creator deined it. "We want the world to have the full, proper, product!" said Mr BigMacymoto, "We're aiming at the 'Lads' Market. Surly they'll love this with their bloated magazine!". Stu Campball (not his real name) was stunned at what he saw, "Amazing, some games are shit, but this really has a shit in it!" Other Rumours that claimed Shit and Sonic would be accoumpained by a Condom were simply flushed.
MAGAZINE NEWS: Last Ever CU Amiga CD contains MI5 secret documents The Last Ever issue of CU Amiga's cover CD-ROM contains the whole MI5 website, and several other secret documents that have never been published. One even admits the exsistence of a "Real James Bond." Other's admit that Dale Winton is an ET, ET was really President Nixon and Eric Cantona was payed by Umbro to do that thing with his collar. MI5 are outraged, and will be sueing Emap Images as soon as that other case that-I-can't-remember-the-name-of finishes.....
MUSIC NEWS: Industry to "go into one big explosion," says Alan McGee The-man-that-signed-Oasis-And-Not-Much-Else Alan McGee has claimed that the Music Industry is about it "go into a massive nuclear explosion, along with Tibet." Alan McGee has past claimed that the Music Industry will change beyond all expetations, but never has he been so "forward." "The Sudanese are annoyed, they'll do anything to there're hair back," said the Creation records boss. He later ran off, jumping like a bunny. Sources claim "he just hasn't been himself recently, the lack of records being sold has sent him hopping mad."