By PAndroid. Dated 1/9/98.THE DAILY LOWLINE #4
Even more from the mad "none of this is true" paper. PAndroid lies.
HEADLINE: Russia in Crisis: Russians buy toys to secure funds Russian's have been buying toys in the former communist state, to secure what they have left of their savings. As well as ques outside banks, there have been massive ques outside Toys'R'Uses around the richer areas of russia. The Russian CEO of Toys'R'Us Mr Chemolydididin says that "A Tyco Kiddie Cam will never lose value, and can be sold as cheap CCTV set ups." Toys'R'Us are also flogging Speak'N'Spells as Scientfic Calculators, PC's as Scrap Metal and Teletubbies as Self-Burning Yeltsin effiges. "Just like the real thing," Chemolydindindin retorts.
HEADLINE: Russia in Crisis: USA and Britain "Will Bail Out Russia" Tony Blair and Bill Clinton met over a Carrabean sex line today to discuss sex, drugs, rock and the economic crisis in Russia[Roll]. Bill said to a audience of 5 sad, lonely people, "Me and my mate Bill have agreed to bail out old Yeltsin, for good times sake, but only if reforms carry on in The Soviet States." Tony replied on in a newsgroup with "Me too." Bill then said "I'm gonna go over to romp good old Yeltsin and give him the time of his life." Tony replied in a newsgroup with the message "Me too." Rumours that Tony had met Monica Lewinsky in the Oval office were quickly denied, by Bill Clinton. Tony replied("Me too?" - The Sub Ed)
HEADLINE: British Island invaded in name of "Pink beret" The small British island of Minquires came under fire by a man claimed to be the "Pink Beret" this weekend. The hat-toting brit with a fake french name "invaded" the small island, hoisting the flag of the Communist party. Locals were stunned, "We really thought he was dead," a Mr I P Regularly claimed, "but now we truley know he's back to haunt us. Ah! Run for your lives!" The Locals are clearly insane, but Beret is certainly not, "I know I look nothing like him, but I have the same anomisity. Isn't that enough, you reporter freak!" The Island has had to be abandoned, before Elvis freaks and Diana wannabees start flocking the island. A local governer said "Never have so few, been disturbed, by so few." Quite.
HEADLINE: Islamic War Against Channel Islands Escalates The Islamic Jihad against the Channel Islands Gurnsey and Jersey has gone to levels worse seen since occupation in World War II. "They're taking over the cafe's, corner shops and Markets! Get them out before they eat us all alive" said Ms I M Racist. Islamics have also been blamed for a small mouse trap placed in the city center. But the local Mosque cliams it's had nothing to do with the "astrocities," but they did say "We're just glad that most shop owners in the islands have converted to the great religion with Allah! We've never been happier!" Lowline will bring you something when anyone gets hurt.
HEADLINE: Sky to launch Supermarket, says Liz Murdoch Sky is soon to launch a Supermarket, says Liz Murdoch, daughter of the media-baron Rupert "The Bear" Murdoch, in association with Marks and Spencer. "Why shouldn't Sky Subscribers not have the choice of a shop like Marks and Spencer?" proclaimed Liz to a dumm audience. She was applauded on the way off stage. The Supermarket will charge £7 on entry, though some other areas will require an extra credit-card payment of £12. "The Supermarket will carry a wide range of products, some you may have seen before," coughed Liz, though the prospect of having to buy the same one over and over again left many people barking for Sainsburys. M&S are delighted, "It won't cost us any money," a Spokeswoman has said "we just have to buy old stock from our old stores, close them down, steal the products back off our consumers later and sell them off again, even if there're stale. We can't wait!"
GAMES NEWS: The Name is all: Dreamcast Exactly That The Japanese consumers were feeling robbed this week, as Sega announced Dream Cast simply to be a "tape that enduces Dreams of good games." Sega's latest scam has surprised no one, Edge magazine are still sticking by the opinion that the Dreamcast will be a breakthough in console technology. "The Beauty, the Glamour, the Splendor" the latest issue proclaims. The £100 tape will be released here next year, together with Paul Makennas "Become a Skitsophrenic in just 2 days."
HEADLINE: Vanessa feltz to move to BBC1 (From our Entertainment correspondent)
OOOHHH!!! Lumpi gogoget my fat asse oh oh, as BBC announcers will soon be saying. Kilroy has been axed, and the fat bird called Vanessa has been brought in. Oh! Ain't she lovely? And because she's lovely, the show will be great, surly????? Of course it will!!!! Evil Anglia for letting her go, evil evil evil! Bad Bad! Of course she did ask for £2million squid, which of course the BBC is paying for. ON OUR TV LICENCE? God sakes, how could she do this to us? Bitch. Slapper.