Satire. Apparently

THE DAILY LOWLINE #5

It's Issue 5. Thrillo's getting good.

SPECIAL LOWLINE REPORT: BSKYB GO CHRISTIAN

After the week that rumours circulating claiming Sky was to buy the Manchester United football team were confirmed true, more rumours have circulated about other buyouts the Sky team has planned. One of them is a controversial bid to grab the Church Of England. The merger will form CSKYE, possibly the largest ever Religious Media group. Anglican bishops are outraged, "They just want the TV rights," says Rev L Odd of Bradbury.

The deal, involving around 10 quid the the collection tin, is also rumoured to involve TV rights to the major Sunday Services. Sky will be launching their new channel "HEAVEN TELEVISION" in the autumn. Changes may also be made to the CofE bible, now to be called the "CSKYE prayers and viewers guide." "The new bible will contain listings of all the new Sky Digital channels monthly," said Liz Murdoch, head of the current BSKYB. The merger will mean that all references to God will become "Rupert," Jesus "Elizabeth" and Heaven "A Full Sky Digital package with Movies and the Disney Channel." The Arch Bishop said "I love the Sci-fi channel!"

CLINTON IN CRISIS: "I HAVN'T HAD A BONK IN A YEAR"

The President of the United States Bill Clinton has admitted that he has not had any sexual intercourse for over a year. The news has shocked his compatriots, and telephone calls have been made for him to resign. "My god, how can a president of the united states not run the country without a bit of sex," said a Prostitute in The Bronx, New York State. A Democrat said "This just isn't the president we once knew." Rumours that he had been simply carrying on with Tony Blair were "Denied" by Bill's personal friends. With a sharp "Me Too" coming from 11 downing street.....

CALAIS IN CRISIS: TRUCKERS DON'T WORK, "WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY MONEY." SHOCK AROUND THE NATION

There was similar shock around the nation today as Truckers Stroke both sides of the channel, as they say "We aren't getting paid enough." This message has brought disgust and outrage across the country, some saying "How could they do this to us?" and "Paid? They should be given Pigs livers!" The Attitudes of New Labour may have something to do with it, scientists claim, though Tony said "Me too," after which he was briefly told that the scientists weren't any relations of Clinton, from where he said "Outraging Bastards! Kill them all!" Sir Blair is 41.

HEALTH NEWS: LAMBS FOUND GOING "MOO," PUBLIC PANICS

Lamb was rolling off Britians shelves this week as the public panicked about the public panic about BSE in little, cuddly sheep called Lamb. Whitehouse sources said "What are you asking me for?" whilst an official at Sainsburys claimed that "We're having the time of our lifes, and we can't even guarantee that the meant is BSE free!" Many have feared that the country has finally gone mad, the comedians Vic And Bob are a great example, "I like Lamb, and I like CJD." Natch.

FROM THE FRONT LINE: ISLAMIC JIHAD IN CHANNEL ISLANDS CONTINUES

The invasion of the Channel Islands of Guernsey and Jersey is "very imminent now" says the local racist Sir B. Manning. Islamic people are crowding there town, with irrelevant turbans and other Xenophobic items. "It's awful here," said a local. When I asked was it the jihad, he said "No, it's just awful here." The feeling that something will happen soon is immense. Eventually, someone's head will get hurt, imagining it all.

THE DEATH TOLL SO FAR

1 cat,
2 mice,
10 fleas,
And countless head lice from the local school

CHART NEWS

This week, surprising no one, the All Saints got to number one with "Pregant and shouldn't be making Bootie Calls," pushing down the Manic's "Look, we're miserable sods. Oh la la la" at least by five place. 5ive's "Everybody cringe at us, swingin" went straight to number 2, whilst "Obscure" by Jennifer Paige. The lack of anything reasonable in the chart has led to a visit to the CIN offices by the late great Sir Clinton. Tony said "Cool."

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