Soon to become...... BRITISH SATIRICAL BROADCASTING

THE DAILY LOWLINE #6

The soon to become BSB part of page670. PAndroid has a cold.

CLINTON IN CRISIS: "I SLEEP WITH MY WIFE," WIDE SPREAD OUTRAGE

The world was further plunged into crisis this week, as President Clinton admitted that he sleeped with his wife on a regular basis. A week after admitting that he hadn't had sex for a year, though he still backs the claim up, Capitol Hill has been wrought with confusion and anger. "How could he sleep with her and not have sex? This simply is not our President. He simply must resign."

CLINTON IN CRISIS: THOSE 11 POSSIBLE IMPEACHABLE BREAKS OF LAW IN FULL

By Super Special Prosecutor 49 Kenneth "Ooooh, She's A" Starr, 1: President Clinton may or have may not lied about Monica Lewinsky.

2: President Clinton may or have may not lied about having a full relationship with his wife, Hilary.

3: President Clinton may or may not be a womaniser.

4: President Clinton may or may have not had sex once in a while.

5: President Clinton employed interns.

6: President Clinton likes pushing girls into sepearte rooms.

7: The President claims to be the President of the United States.

8: Men have affairs.

9: Clinton is an arsehole.

10: We don't like him.

11: Just because I'm the most hated man in american, he hates me. Bastard. I was much better than that Lewinsky crap he had going. ("No you wern't" - My Pal Tony)

TUC CONFERENCE: GOVERNMENT CLAIMS ALL UNION MEMBERS "SONS OF SATAN"

The "Brand Spanking New/Tory" Labour party have condemed all union memebers to hell, giving them the label "Sons of Satan." Union leaders have reacted angrily to the news, "Relations simply couldn't get any worse," Mr V. Important said. Labour last year poured water and plugged live wires into a mains socket at last years TUC conference, but claims that John "Law keeper of the roads" Prescott will try to exsorcise and kill several major memebers have been rubbished by Peter Mandelson.

Beezelbub Blair is 10,293.

TUC: CBI ASKS FOR "MANAGERIAL MINIMUM WAGE"

The CBI has asked the government for a minimum wage for all it's "hard done by workers." The proposed minimum wage, £78,000 a year, without tax, and a obligational 10,000 share option, has come across citisism in Parliment. "Great idea," said one Lord Haidridge (MD of GE Capital). "Supurb, can't wait until it begins," said Lord Bath (Seriously Derranged of Longleat). A white paper is being witten up as a wright, and it's likely the law will wizz though the house of lords. "There's so many good, old fasioned fat cats here it's lovely!"

HEALTH NEWS: "BLACK MARKET FOR VIAGRA HUGE, SO WHO NEEDS AN NHS?" CRIES FRANK "BEEFCAKE" FIELD

Because of the massive black market of viagra, Frank Field has not put it on top of his list. "People simply won't buy it from us," cried the clearly mad Frank Butcher, who lated cried off and said something about Pat. The real Frank Field commented "The NHS won't be selling it, but if you buy it from me, I'll give you a 20% discount. Come on, it'll have you going for ages. I tell you, it gave me the jitters. A lot of fun." Rumours that Field frequents Stringfellows were floppy, but became erected whilst watching porn.

EXPORTS BACK ON TRACK, NOW THE IMPORTERS ARE PISSED OFF

The pound may have fallen, but now Importers are furious. "No one ever thinks of us," said Sir R. Murdoch, "it'll be much more expensive now to buy in purile crap television." Everywhere, importers are out on the streets, drestroying factories and other places of production. The Department of Trade and Industry is lead by Peter Mandelson, and so is forever unavailible for comment. Instead, we have this squid. "-." When asked what the squid will do about the new economic problems, he simply replyed "-."

EMMY NEWS

From our Luvvie Correspondent.

OOOH wow! Oh they preformed! Oh how lose little DARLINGS preformed infront of us. I nearly cried, I nearly cried I tell you, as the history of television passed my sleeping eyes. My, the award ceremoney was decadent, with all lose little lovlie comedians saying their lines LOVELY! Almost amazing. Oh, that Ally Macbeal, She's lost weight, and she looks GOURGOUS! Oohh oooh!("Writer Sacked due to Sanity reasons" - Sub Ed)

MURDOCH WATCH

This weeks takeovers in full

1) BskyC
2) BskyP
3) Csky4
4) ITskyV
5) HTskyV
6) ITskyN
7) NintenSKYdo.
8) ECTskyS
9) The Royal SKY Mail
10) NHskyS("That's enough" - Sub Ed)

TV LISTINGS

Channel 4

7pm: Channel 4 News, The soon greatly to be fanatastically reborn. Eventually. One day.
8pm: Incredibly Intresting Television Incredibly Unwatched, The Documentary,
8:30pm: Brookside, Ollie gets out his large Uzi and massacures Brookside close, while Suzzanna reveales her bi-sexual orgy past.

Channel 5

7pm: Channel 5 News, Kirsty Young is all posh, to 4 viewers.
7:30: Who cares? A Satirical quiz.
8pm: Is anyone watching? A sitcom.
8:30: Is it really worth bothering? The TV movie.

More next week.

CHART NEWS

This week Robbie "Fat Gut" Williams worked his way to No.1 with "A pisspoor song that no one seems to relise is awful. But hey, let me entertain you. And take all your money. Hahahahahaha. COME BACK ANNA." The All Saints were pushed down further, since being preggers whilst performing just "isn't cool." The Misrable Street Arseholes fell to No.13, with their song "If you tolerate this, you must be depressed." Finally, the band Faithless had come across some evil eyed critism for their number "God is a DJ" as Christian groups have waved their arms in anger. One said "We all know he's not a DJ. It's well known that's he's Graham Hill. Bless his racing hands!"

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