HOW TO MAKE SHIT LOADS OF MONEY FROM MAKING A CRAP GAME

You know the situation. You have this great idea, don't you, for a game. Everybody does. But you know it won't make you any money, if released. And no right-minded developers going to buy it. So here's page170's guide to making a hit without bothering to do anything, well not much, anyway.

With our man Mr.Thrills!
Step 1: Find a tried and tested genre
This should be easy, walk into a branch of EB or Game and look at what everyones buying. Not to hard, is it? It tends to be either something that looks like Quake or something that looks like C&C. Write the names of these games down.

Step 2: Find nurdy programmers that havn't got anything better to do
Not too hard either, isn't it? Find a local school or college and run a "Make me a Quake game Compo". Entires will flood in as the unsuspecting idiots will think you're a big software company. Go though all the entires (with a virus checker of course) and look for the best one. Ring up the bloke with the best quake clone and ask him to join your new development team.

Step 3: Set up a development company
Spend a night on Photoshop designing a logo, or better, nick one off the net. Prepare some press releases in Word, and pay for someone to make you writing paper with your name and logo on the top. Prepare a website with Frontpage Express, too.

Step 4: Choose your genre
Remember, Quake and C&C clones sell! Choose from which is easy to program and create, for example the Quake engine is now Public Domain, as is Doom's....

Step 5: Make
Not as difficult as it sounds. That programmer you found earlier? Get him to rip out the Quake engine and rename it to your new title (Title dosn't have to be imaginative i.e. Blood), let's say you've called it "House of Hell". Using a Map maker (also freely available on the net) make levels. Or even better, nick someone else's and slightly edit them. You can repay them in damages later. If the resulting Single Player mode is dire, don't worry! Just make it compatible with a multiplayer system like Kali. No hassle!

Step 6: Get Signed to a major Publisher
Start pestering publishers like GT and EIDOS via mail with your company writing paper. They should be impressed. Tell them about how good the game is going to be. After a while they should sign you up. In the contract make sure you get a decent part of the profits. Say 40%....

Step 7: Backhander
Freebies to jurno's, trips to LA, more Freebies to jurno's etcetc. Of course most will tell you to f*ck off, but some will find your efforts unresistant and will give your game an impressive "exclusive" review. Of course.

Step 8: Wait
Self explanatory. Wait for the release of the game (making sure of course it's being released at Christmas...

Step 9: Watch The Money Come In
Well done, you've done it! Finally feel happy that all you're debts have been paid off by one lousy game. You're so happy, aren't you! Yes, you are! See, my system does work. Pass it around to your friends, family, newsgroup, anywhere that you can spread the message. Walk into games shops and give them a copy. And if you don't, well, I'll, erm, just get very annoyed. Yes.