Computer Helpline: With Mr Jon Civil!

Sort out your computer problems with our new famous computer wizz kidd, Jon Civil! PAndroid lies.

Dear Sir,
For a while now my Windows PC has not booted up at all. For some reason it starts, and then goes to a blank screen with C:\ written on it. What is this, and how do I get into Windows from it?
Thom

Well, it's simple. Type on your keyboard FORMAT C:\ and press enter. Press Y to all the following question. Then windows will work fine!

Dear Sir,
I have just bought a £100 graphics card, and whatever I try to do in windows, it just refuses to work. It's a generic 3dfx by the looks of things. Where would I get the drivers? And how would I install them?
Phil

You have a direct problem there with your card, looks like I'll have to sort it out directy. Send it to my home address, and i'll keepitIiiimeaan get you the drivers. Yes

Dear Sir,
How do you switch on a PC? We can't find an ON switch anywhere.
Colin

Well take your pc in your hand, and throw it out of your first floor window. Then go outside and wack it with a hammer. Take it back upstairs, and from there on it should work. Next!

Dear Sir,
I would like to play a game that I have just bought, called Unreal, but the sound on it dosn't seem to kick in, and constantly asks me about DMA's and things. What's wrong with me?
Bill C.

A DMA is a Direct Money Access system. Without extra cash, the sound in Unreal will not work. But help is at hand. Give me £1000 and I'll sort it out for you. Out of the way!

Dear Sir,
I have just installed Windows98, and I hate it. How do I go back to Windows95?
Bill G. III

Rather simple really. Just double click on the clock in the right hand side, and put the date back 4 years. You will then have a working copy of Windows95! Mummy!

Dear Sir,
Who's Bill Gates and why does he want everyones money?
Jim Barksdale of Netcenter

He a nice man. A very nice man. He runs a charity called Micro$oft which helps a lot of people, like his self. He's very resorceful, loves children and eats green veg! A lovely man, give him all your money. Now. Dad!

Dear Sir,
I've got this Operating System called Linux. I would like to be able to use it, I think I know how, but is it safe to install?
Elvis P.

NO!!!!!! EVIL!!!! DESTROY THAT DISK NOW!!! FLUSH IT! IT'S GOT DEVIL WRITTEN ALL OVER IT! STAMP IT OUT! STAMP IT! GIVE IT TO YOUR LONG LOST AUNT. AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ("You're fired" - Ed) ("Oh I do love a man with authority" - Dunno who it was, probably a passing womman. Maybe)