If I'm really funny, then why arn't I in Edinburgh?

Arran Defends Quake Arena

Title says it all, really. Arran, erm, yeah.

[Man walks on stage, with a clip-board. Taps floor with Pen]

"Floor - check. Comedian [Pats himself] - check. Audience [Stares out at audience] - Check. Material [fingers through clipboard...] Oh... How important can it be? Still..."

[Produces mobile phone, and dials a number]

"Ah... Yes, Dad, I left my material at home, could you run it here? Yes, I know Coronation street is on... But I *need* is Dad... Thanks."

[Puts phone away, sits down onm the floor, gets sandwiches out, and starts eating while apparently waiting for something.]

[Man seems anious, and a bit confused, looks at clip-board, and says half to himself]

"Oh, *I'm* s'posed to entertain *you*."

"Sorry, I'm new... So you'd be the audience, yes?" [Murmurs, a few laughs] "And, I'm s'posed to entertain you, yes?" [Murmurs of affirmation] "Oh... Well... Hmmm.... This IS still the stage isn't it?" [Laughs] "Good... Well... hmmmmm...."

[Sound of Tires screeching, footsteps, and some notes are thrown onto the stage. Comedian picks them up]

"Ahhhhhhhhh, yesssss.... Oooooooookayyyyyy....."

[Nervous, Comdeian loosens collar]

"I think I know how to work this..." [Sheafs through notes.]

"Right" [Clears throat, and sweat glistens on his forhead]

"Have you seen this new somerfield Ocean-fresh loo cleaner? Now that's a great marketing scheme innit? We crap, it floats to sea, and they bottle it, flog it back to us, so we can squirt it back in the loo again... ANd when we've done that they... Bottle... it... Again..."

[Silence]

"Ok, right then, yes..." [Sheafs through notes.]

"Well, on his death bed, my father gave me this advice..."

[Phone rings, man answers his mobile]

"Oh, dad? Yes, the notes are fine... Erm... No I don't need anything else... Yes, have your cocoa now... Byeeeeeeee...."

[Closes phone]

"Where was I? Oh yes, my *Grand*-Father (He... he...)... On his death bed, he told me 'Son, if you're ever Napoleon, NEVER send your third infantry battalion over the hill, 'cause nine times out of ten, you'll lose Waterloo'"

"And you know what? Not only had my Dad never lost a Major Pre-Victorian Battle, But Nine times out of ten, neither have I."

[Comedian starts clapping, looks at clipboard, stops and walks slowly off-stage sheepishly]

What has this to do with computer gaming? Well, a hell of a lot actually... I believe that Games creators seem to be forgetting that it is *Their* job to entertain us. They make a product for *US* (No, Us, not the U.S.)

This can be seen in that more and more PC games are being brought out prematurely, and *WE* have to do their product testing, and *WE* have to download patches to fix them.

I still maintain that overall, patches are a good (Make that great) thing. I have flash upgraded my modem a number of times, which now allows me to (Supposedly) connect to V.90 servers. Likewise, my PowerVR card has just got better and better with newer and newer drivers coming out. Added to the great patches which effect the actual game (New levels, weapons, power ups, etc.) they are very useful... But when I have to Download a Pacth before I can actually get a game to work at all, something's a bit wrong...

Anyway, back to the original premise. Us providing the entertainment:

Quake Arena: If the bots have decent AI, then it could kcik-ass. In my experience, bots suck 'cause they never miss, always know exactly where you are, or are shite things which stand still till they see you, and then kill you with one shot of some weapon which they shouldn't really have...

But, ID have cottoned on to the Idea, that us Humans Kick computer ass any day of the week. Learn the faults in the Bots AI, and any amount of perfect shots won't help them as you guide a homing missile from around a corner, and pin-them down. But with Human resourcefulness, every game is different. The last single player only game I had was Tomb Raider 2, which I completed with all the secrets in no-time at all, and is now stagnating in my drawer(It was given to me for my birthday.)

Multiplayer games can last forever... Whenever some of the lads come round, its for-way mega bomber man every time. A game which I got years a go is *STILL* played (Infrequently,) when the considerably more recent TR2 is gathering dust. The point? Erm... ... ... That multiplayer games are better than single only? That'll do nicely sir (And would you like to rub my tits to?)

Am I still coherent? Ok...

Next up in the "Us and them" stakes is the old "Plot line originality" chestnut.

Battle Zone and Red-alert: Tell me again how different the plot-lines are?

Doom and Quake 2: Sorry? A difference where? Oh yes, one *WAS* a human space base, the other is strictly an alien base... Right... Ok...

Well, I'll leave this one for Stu "Ain't I radical and orignial - Why are you all shaking your heads?" Cambell to finsih off...

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