I'm going on holiday soon, will the bandwidth drop in a.d? Let's see what happens.....

The Feng Shui of Video Arcades

Feng Shui is the art of putting your furniture so energy can flow easily around the room. My theory is that it's actully designed as an evil way so houses can be easily flooded by evil chinese communists, but there you go. Ezz has apllied this idea to Video Arcades. His ideas will delight you all.

You may have heard of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of Geomancy, which has strict rules on the placement and positioning of objects and buildings in order to achieve harmony with ones surroundings.

What you may not have known is that there is an equally strict branch of feng Shui used by the managers (or Geomanagers) of video arcades. This branch is known as Videomancy.....

Extracts from the Big Book O` Videomancy:

Instead of the diametric opposites of `yin` and `yang,` Videomancy only considers `harmonious accretion of silver,` or `Ker-ching,` which is supplied by the `guests` who visit.

(Guests can include, but are not limited to, freaks, acid-heads, speed urchins, winos, muggers, puffy jackets, pornographers, drug dealers, prostitutes, blaggers, paedophiles, office workers, truants and, on Thursdays, old people flying high on the buzz of pension day.)

Ideally, the main entrance should face to the West. Any other direction could bring death, baleful influence, ghosts or the smell of the sewage farm down the road.

Site the arcade as near as possible to a nightclub. This will increase prosperity in two ways - firstly, drunken clubbers will flourish, and secondly, people will be unwilling to leave the arcade during the regular mass riots/beatings/stabbings and general unlawful activity taking place outside. Unlawful activity within the arcade is generally permitted, with the exception of `rimming.` Rimming is a bad thing, and you don`t need to think about it.

Large glass doors are good for two reasons. They both magnify the feeling of space in the guest, resulting in a sense of wellbeing lasting the rest of the day, and increase the chance of passers-by noticing the armed robbery which will happen every two months.

A pool of vomit outside the main doors will increase good fortune. The vomit will usually consist of a mixture of Hoffmeister and chips, and the good fortune is that the vomit is outside the arcade, and not inside. Beware of dogs licking the vomit up. This could disrupt the Ker-ching. Beware even more of people licking the vomit up. This is just disgusting. Call the police. NOW!

Try to achieve a 50/50 split of video games and fruit machines. Thus income is assured throughout the day. `Gamers` and `Slotters` will each ignore the other group if they ever meet.

Place plastic plants around the fruit machines, to achieve some of the glamour of Las Vegas. Place ash-trays around the video games, to achieve little. The guests will generally use the machines and the floor as ash-trays, but hope springs eternal....

Place mirrored tiles on all the walls. There is no good reason for doing this, but go ahead and do it anyway. It`s a tradition.

The arcade day can be broken into 12 periods:

The Hour of the cleaning lady (also known as the Shake & Vac Hour) The Hour of bunking off The Hour of the housekeeping money being gambled away (also known as Egg and Chips for Tea Again?) Dinner Hour Pensioners Special (Thursdays only) Dole-ites Hour (on Giro day) The Gathering of the Tribes Hoffmeister Hour The Hour of Living Dangerously An Evening in the Casualty Department The Counting of the Cash

Place linked machines such as Sega Rally, and the latest games such as Tekken 3 near the entrance. This will draw in hard-core gamers, curious passers-by, and college students, who are fascinated by bright lights and loud noises.

Place the cashiers booth at a high enough level so that a good view of the whole arcade is obtained. If the arcade is of an irregular shape, use cunningly situated curved mirrors or possibly CCTV cameras to enable a full view of all areas. Then counteract this by employing either 1) a fifty year old woman concentrating on her knitting, or 2) a spotty youth affiliated with the local `posse,` who has disguised himself by removing his puffy jacket. Thus is balance of Ker-ching achieved.

Maintain an ancestral shrine to appease ghosts, demons and people unwilling to spend £1 per play on the new games. This must be a quiet, darkened area. Throw all of the old machines here. You MUST include 1) a Gorf machine with a stutter, 2) Commando (not working) 3) a ride-on Space Harrier, with a hydraulic oil leak 4) Mr Do (or any similar clone) 5) any two machines with faulty screen colours, and 6) a fully-working pac-man which nobody has used for ten years. You can also place the `fly-trap` machine here. This is the game which accepts coins, but doesn`t register them as credits. Few people will complain about 20p, and those that do are obviously untrustworthy liars, and not to be believed.

The shrine is also a place for large spotty youths to extort pocket money from smaller spotty youths. Sexual bartering will occur here also, but deny all knowledge of this when questioned by the police. But thank them for their help with the vomit-drinker.

Show respect to those blessed with an abundance of years. They are wise. Wisdom is often more valuable than wealth. When they run out of money, explain that the carpet in the arcade won`t replace itself, escort them out, and remind them to return next Thursday. If they show signs of confusion, shout louder. Don`t worry, they`ll be back.

To achieve true Videomancy enlightenment, employ members of a local `posse` as security. They will disappear when trouble starts, thus reducing casualties, for which the hospital will thank you.

Health and Safety Policy: The Government requires that you have a full first-aid kit, and staff trained to use it. The Way of Ker-ching requires you to have a half-empty box of Elastoplast and an air of weary disinterest.

Staff Wages: £2 per hour, plus as much as they can fiddle without you realising it. Occasionally allow your `posse` security youths half an hour free play on a machine of your choosing. This generosity will pave your way to Heaven. You are indeed a Saint amongst Men.

If, after you follow this advice, your arcade is a den of iniquity, sleaze and notoriety only whispered about in the local council estate public houses, then congratulations: You`ve truly become a first class Videomancer!