The Lets-Take-2-Products-And-Make-One Award - Frosted Wheats.
HOW TO SURVIVE BASIC GAMES PLAYER LIFE - PART 1: WHSmiths.
Ok, we've all done it. Gone into WHS, looked around, read a cuple of magazines, become impressed by the writing in the mag, plan to buy something, and come out with nothing. We know your pain.
So here's a 10 step guide to avoiding emmbarrasment while not actully bothering to part with your cash. Although if you want to send me money, you're quite welcome.
Step 1: Walk into the shop. But here's the tricky bit. Stay away from the Magazine section for the first 10 minutes. In this first 10 minutes, organize your time. Spend 2 minutes looking at Pratchett books, the next 2 at computer[yawn] books. Spend anouther 6 minutes around and about the music and games section (they are usually next to each other).
Step 2: Whilst around these areas, choose something and carry it around with you. Make it look like you're going to buy something. This gets rid of the chance of the Manager asking you to leave after 4 hours (4 hours? - Imaginary Ed) as you could use the excuse "I'm here for this mate, I'll be out soon". If it's expensive, all the better.
Step 3: After that 10 minutes, move slowly towards the Magazine section. Walk slowly, don't prance around the shop.
Step 4: When you arrive at the destination, make sure that is looking. As soon as your confidence is up, grab a mag. Start reading.
Step 5: Whilst reading, do your best not to laugh at a particulary funny comment. This will again, draw attention to yourself.
Step 6: Every 20 minutes, again carry out Steps 1 to 4. Each time pick up more and more products. Make it look like you LOVE WHSmiths.
Step 7: Getting rid of those unbought items will be difficult. So just drop them here and there. Not on the floor though, just suttly against books and cassettes. Again makesure no one is looking.
Step 8: Get out of the Shop. Relize suddunly how long you had been in there, and how stupid you had become. Slap yourself, and again, and again.
Step 9: If you can't get out of the shop or put the items away, start swaying from side to side, mumering the words to Talk Show Host by Radiohead. Every 20 seconds, make your movements more violent and your singing more load. After 2 minutes, go full belt. Scream out those lyrics, scream, until you lose your voise, and your right to entering WHSmiths. The items would be taken off you and you would be pushed out of the shop. Simple!
(Any Damage caused by carrying out Step 9 is not the resposibitly of PAndroid, you stupid fool)
Next Week: Arcades, how to win or lose, and how to avoid the Puffys......
By PAndroid . Dated 26/3/98. Eat Pies, or email me.