WTF is....?

"It takes a Human to err, and a Pentium 2 to really bugger things up"

Last Updated: 24/7/98


WTF? is page670's FAQ for all things page670 and digitiser. You may find WTF and page670 offensive in parts. We will make no apology for swearing, it's what we do, and how we write. So ha.

WhatTheF**k is page670 then?

Page 170 is a fan site dedicated to the Humour of Digitiser, and several other things at the same time. Look at WTF2 for more details.

Who Writes it?

David Deans (PAndroid) currently does most of the work (writes SN49, Most Features and keeps the WTF? "updated" while drinking mounds of coffee). Arran "Ace" Yarwood also rants a hell of a lot, and we have the odd guest writer. (See the features index for more)

Where to meet the makers.

PAndroid is normally in #starbug at the weekend on efnet. Taf's in there occasionly, too. Alternativily you can email me.

What are (and where are) the Digi IRC channels?

The Digi IRC channels all stemed from #digi, launched by digitiser on Dalnet (By Adrian Hon I think) back in September 1997. Digi adventully lost interest after a cuple of major meets. Then it all perked up again with #digitiser (thanks to a letter on 174), also on Dal. Again it died. Then Stuart Campell announced a new channel called #digi98. Then some idioid decided to take over the channel. Sir Robin B of camelot then came over with his men to create a new channel called #digi98^. Meets were arranged in here (with the help of page670 of course) but there was one problem. The ^ character can not be broadcast on teletext. Shudder. So RobinB created another channel, this time named #digi-98, still on DALnet. Most people now go here. (More info on meets at communicate!)

Where are the Digi Newsgroups?

There is only one worth going to, which is called alt.digitiser For an updated ng situation, go to communicate!

Where do I go to slag off Digitiser?

Nowhere. In a.d plesant criticism is accepted, but mouth off simply saying that digi's crap will get you slaughterd. Don't like it? Don't read it. Simple.

What is the Digitiser Mailing List?

For more info on this go to Communicate! . It's run by PAndroid on a BBS server. Send an email to with SUBSCRIBE DIGI-LIST YOUR NAME in the body.

WTF is Digitiser then?

Digitiser (for people without Teletext tv's and/or living in outer mongolia) is a daily games magazine broadcast on Teletext (the lines inbetween the picture that you see when your horizontal hold is f*cked up) on Channel 4 in the United Kingdom (pages 670-676, infact). It has a sense of Humour that is renowed across the games scene, and a hard journalistic realism that scars the sh*t out of every PR man working for a Software House that makes bad games (e.g ocean, GT etcetc). It's one of the few actuall credible mags in the country (of UK that is). It reviews all currently popular formats, and the Saturn, too. (By Currently popular I mean the PlayStation, the N64 & the PC). It's run by one man, Paul Rose, Alais Mr Biffo.

What's Panel 4?

At the weekends various games jurnos and readers of digitiser take turns in writing a column called Panel 4 (These are Violet Berlin of Ex-Bad Influence fame (What's she doing now?), Tony Mott (who works at Edge) and Stu Campbell, the well known uber freelancer)

On the forth week of the month digi is carrying out an experiment by getting it's readers to write sub-250 words on anything gaming related. Still a relitivly new feature, Your Panel 4 "provides" a soapbox to moan on. Except good YP4's don't seem to make it to Biffo for transmission, so we've ended up with some rather sub standard peices of crap (rather like SuperNews49.). Even though it's now ignored as much as Your Game: Here, it's either YP4 or Bunderman......

(Stu Campbell has a Panel 4 template on his site. See here.

Other Digi Pages...

On top of all this, On a Monday instead of news on page 671, Gossi The Dog feeds us with rumour, most of which turns out to be accurate, and on Friday Fat Sow opens her large snout to the world (obviously stinking like ("Mittens" - The Sub)). She's a pig that gets angry and slags everyone off in sight, it's quite enjoyable, and refreshing. Now and again "Paul" removes her with Smilin The Happiest Chicken, a, rather sarcastic, comment on the current games industry. Very Odd.

On a Weekend also page 675 contains a weekly feature, this can be anything, but at least once a mounth Digi (as known to it's friends) broadcasts RingSir. As the title confuses, it's where some poor sap at a games shop get's a call from Phoning Honey. Or more simply, it's a Prank call. And it is very, very funny.

Page 675 contains the daily cheats page of digitiser. This is written by Udders and has a digi-like character presenting normally. The character is consistently changing at the moment, the past and present list being:

Valentine Rush (Naughty Girl un-funny thing)

Bob Sweezley (Mad American Xenophobic talk show host)
Dennis Man Of Zinc (Fallen Superhero, And Stunt man)
The Nudes (Live from the nudist camp)

Biffo is looking for a character that Udders can feel comfortable writing. We await to see what he comes down with.

Does Paul Rose write EVERYTHING?

By the looks of things, most of it. Gossi & FatSow are probably him. A man only known as Mr Udders, however, "does" Wired Child and the tips. Do you see?

(Source: Various Postings on Alt.digitiser)

Who is The Man?

The Man, is the offical digitiser mascot who appears at the last cycle page of 674 (the letters page). Man Diary, as it has become to be called over the last 5 years, covers his, well, erm, sort of, unlucky exploits. Like when he wanted to become a stand up comedan (which I can't spell), for example. Some people find Man Diary hard to swallow, and can't accept it's strange irony. This is what I say to them. NAAANAANANANAAA! <cough>

Didn't the Man never have a Beret once?

Yes, he got rid of it Circa late 1994, but for some unexplained reason. It came back June 1998, Biffo has brought it back. As a result, I had to kill off Pink. Sigh......

Didn't he dissapear once as well?

Yes, around 1994 The Man With A Long Chin stories were starting to go downhill, eventually they assinated him on a grassy knoll. They then ran a poll to find a replacement, amoung the contenders was a robot (would love a full list of contenders, email me) and a DJ, named Pat Walker. Pat Walker one the vote (which was adellgedy fixed....) and took over the last page of 474 (Before the relaunch of C4 teletext in november 1996, digitiser was on page's 470-476/7. The relaunch changed the page numbers to 170-176. C4 messed around with them again in August 1998, changing digitsers page numbers to 670-676. 170 is now a football feature thingy) for a cuple of months. Biffo obviously got bored with the DJ, so he melted his face next to a radiator. This resulted him in looking remarkably like the Man (albeit without his former beret). The Man's identity was lenseforth fully restored.

Thanks to Patrick Grady and Chris Bell for the info.

Puffy Jackets?

Puffy Jackets are a long running joke that digi has kept going since 1996. Biffo enjoys taking the piss out of those that have mobile phones, say "Wicked" a lot, and "Are you messin wimm my womman?". These people normally wear disgusting clothing, in the style of a kappa jacket or a puffy (usually an umbro). Disgusting. Wicked.

What's with April 1st, man?

It's become the norm for digitiser to lie a lot on April the 1st. It's sort of a annual advent. So don't worry if you wake up to find digi talking about spuds to be Sega's next mascot, check the date.....

(Incidently if anyone has any particular memories of April the 1st's, email me 'em and I'll place them here)

Where is the Offical Digitiser Web Page?

It's at the teletext site, it isn't brilliant. Paul Rose does his best on the Feature front (and is quite good) and the previews are, well, ok, but apart from that it's crap. The two games are naff, and the games search engine dosn't work. It's not Biffo's fault, however. If you wish to pressurise teletext about the site you have to email the webmaster , not digitiser . Biffo has let go that something is being done about the site, expect a big refit one day........

BTW don't ask for the web site to show stuff from the text version. They can't due to some clause teletext made up about not repeating content. For copyright resons page670 can also not copy digi's pages directly. I'm sorry but that's how it is........

Is there anywhere that I can find the text version of digi webbised?

Yes and No. To my knowledge, there is no direct source of the text version of digi on the web.. But with the invention of the newsgroup I wouln't be surprised if someone trys it on. It would be completly illegal, BTW. So sorry, students (though knowing students someone with a WinTV card will do something eventully, keep an eye on the links section, and the digitiser webring)

However, old Panel 4's can be found here (Stu Campbell's site, so only sc p4's atm, understand? ). Intresting site, and worth looking at if you like his mounthly warblings...

What is BrownTrumpet?

BrownTrumpet originally was a competition where you set up a website and went on about how great digi was, or took a picture of yourself or somewhere with something digi related splattered across it. Even though the compo was a good laugh for many ppl, digi was accused of advertising itself though it. In my personal opinion that didn't make any sense, since it would then be advertising itself though itself. Anyway, the compo was closed after a while of no response.

Browntrumpet 1998, however, is something completly diffrent. It starts from where another compo left off a while back. In 1994 digi held a competition where you took a picture of yourself in an exotic location, holding the sign "Digitiser=filth". This time around it's pretty much the same, except now the sign has to say "Digitiser Destroyed Me" and it also can be humourous as well as exotic. The compo closes at the end of August. Send your entries to:

Digitiser Brown Trumpet
c/o Teletext
PO BOX 297
London SW6 1IT

The best ones will appear on Digi's offical website. The closing date is the 30th of September.

Email addresses and Websites again..........

page670 contributors/website addresses:

PAndroid (David Deans):


Arran Ace's Site thing:

page670 addresses (for idiots):

tafka's bit (aux page670):

digitiser contributors/associated email addresses and websites:

Digitiser Offical Web Page: (written entirly by Paul Rose..)

Digitiser offices:

Webmaster of the digitiser website:

Paul Rose:

Stuart Campbell:

digitiser releated websites:

Chris Bell's Super 58 site (not bad, actully very good):

Tafka's Digitiser Webring:

Stu Campell's Panel 4 site:

Peter FM's site (bit lacking, and crap, but has a disscussion board) :

Mentals Digi! Site (quite good, gets digi):

Kev Beuamont's Do You See? site (under construction):

Tom Scotts Digi Gif's:

Stu's P4 Template:

Mr Biffo's Personal Site:

unrelated site links:

Arran Ace's Site thing:

Neil Kearns'es Radiohead MP3 Archive:

Adam Keyte's fuzzball site (He's here because he linked to me):

Team AP website:

James Caygill Website:

PlayStation Cheats (excellent site):

Uptight ( site): (unreliable url, sorry)

GET A LINK HERE! Link to me and I'll link to you. See BANNERS.

Where page670 comes into all of this (for nolstalgias sake)

We wish to reserrect some of Digi's best moments (if Teletext dosn't mind) and create "Fan Humour" as well. I know someone who is working on the Adventures of the Pink Beret, for example. Or maybe you will like Son Of Man? Or RingSirVersion2 (if I can find anyone who can do good send ups). We will also accept critisms of digi for a certain feature. I have a Saturday column on here, and would like someone to do a Wendsday one, too. If you do have any ideas for this site then email me here. You know you want to.

(Previously on the index page....)

A word from our sponser. would you like to help the web site? Then read on.............

Welcome ladies and Gentlemeeeeeen to the unoffical digitiser web site. Due to techincal difficulties I must talk to you in this strange manner to bring some important news. We. Need. Your. Help (Sausages from now on).

So why do we need your Sausages?? Simple, with your Sausages we could make page670 (the best unoffical digitiser plate [website] on the planet). We want homemade RingSir! We want Man Diarys! We want Digi Memories (e.g: I was only a young lad when I first read the Digi, and now I'm 30) and We Want alternative Panel4's etcetc <audience falls to sleep]

So to recap. Basically we're setting up an Unoffical Fan Site to support the newsgroup (if there's going to be one), the IRC channel (during non takeover times) and provide Digi type fun as well. As Mr Bruce (How do you spell his second name?) said, I would like some alternative RingSir's. Make them as real as you want, but they must be funny. Also we can't disclose the name of the shop here, and if you want we can make you anomounous[spelling!!!!!!] too. Secondly, Panel4 hackbacks? Do you hate Bunderman? Then Email us! Of Course me and Onion (if he's interested) can take part too.

Copyright (for idiots)

page670, Adventures of the Pink Beret, Weekend Rampage, Communicate, news, the WTF?, the features and the reviews are David Deans 1998. All rights reserved, or sommit. Some elements of page670 are derived from Digitiser, a Teletext Magazine.

By PAndroid

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