Two complete strangers were golfing on an exclusive golf course. Not another soul was in sight. Finally, one guy asked the other guy what he did for a living. He told him he owned and managed the beautiful condo complex they were coming up on along side the fairway. He said that he and his beautiful young wife lived in the penthouse on the top floor. He than asked the other guy what he did for a living. the other stranger replied that he was a paid assassin. Seeing the disbelief on the man's face he proceeds to start pulling sections of pipe out of his golfbag and begins assembling a high powered rifle. Finally getting the stock of the rifle assembled he hands the rifle to the stranger who is really admiring it. The assassin says wait a minute and pulls out a high powered scope and assembles that to the rifle. The first stranger looks thru the scope and is amazed at how close his condo looks. He tells the assassin how close it looks and starts moving the rifle up the side of the condo. He exclaims, "I can see my penthouse; I can see inside my penthouse; I can see my beautiful wife; she's naked!; she's with another man!!!!" Boy, was that condo owner pissed! He hands the rifle back to the assassin and demands to know how much he charged per bullet. The assassin replies $2000 per bullet. The owner says OK, I want you to take one bullet and shoot the man's cock off. Than I want you take another bullet and put it thru my wife's head. The assassin says OK and starts adjusting the scope so he can get "clean" shots off. Making the last adjustment, he suddenly turns to the owner and says, "Hey buddy, if you can wait for a couple of seconds I think I can save you $2000! A very wealthy old man was dying and summoned his lawyer, his Priest, and his Doctor to his bedside. The old man was a skinflint and an eccentric. As his final and last wish, he gave each $250,000 in cash. He said he wanted to prove that you "could" take it with you when you die. He requested that each one of them throw the cash in his grave just before they shoveled the dirt in. A few days later at the funeral the Priest walked up to the grave after the Eulogy and with tears in his eyes, tossed the money into the grave. Shortly after, the Doctor walked up to the grave and tossed in his package of money. Last but not least the lawyer walked up to the grave and tossed in an envelope. At the family gathering, or wake if you will, the Priest walked up to the Doctor and the lawyer who were in conversation. "I have to relieve my conscience," said the Priest, "I must confess, I kept out $25,000 of his money for the orphanage." With that the Doctor also confided that he too kept out $50,000 for the new Medical Clinic for the poor. The lawyer then exclaimed, "Shame, shame on you both!" "I gave him a check for the entire amount!" The 12 Days of Christmas -------------------------- December 14, 1993 Dearest John, I went to the door today and the post today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift!! I couldnt have been more suprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --- December 15, 1993 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine...two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just adorible. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- December 16, 1993 My dear John, Oh, arnt you the extravagent one? Now i really must protest. I dont diserve such generosity...three French Hens!!! They are just darling, but i must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ---- December 17, 1993 Dear John, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful...but dont you think rnough is enough? You are being TOO romantic. Love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- December 18, 1993 Dearest John, What a suprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings...one for every finger. Your just impossible, but I love it. But all those birds squawking is begining to get on my nerves. With love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- December 19, 1993 Dear John: What goes on? When I opened the door today there were actually six geese alaying on my front steps! So, your back to the birds again, huh? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I cant sleep at night and I'm a nervous wrek. It's not funny. So STOP...OK. Sincerely, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --- December 20, 1993 John: What's with you and the fucking birds? Seven swans aswimming? What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There's shit and water all over the place from the swans--the neighbors are talking about an eviction notice and I'm up to my ass in bird shit, so knock it off! AGNES....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------- December 20, 1993 OKAY BUSTER I think I prefer the birds...what the hell am I going to do with eight maids milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring the Goddamn cows! Theres shit all over my lawn and i can move in my own house. Just lay off SMART ASS !!!!!! A. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- December 22, 1993 Listen Shithead, What are you some kind of sadist??? Now theres nine pipers piping, and FUCK, do they pipe! They've never stopped chasing those maids around scince they got here yesterday morning! The cows are getting upset and are stomping all over the screaching birds. Now fuck off... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----- December 23, 1993 You Dirty Prick ! ! ! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I dont know why I call those sluts ladies!! They've been balling the pipers all night long. The cows cant sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The city commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me me to show why the building should NOT be condemned. I am calling the cops on you, you bastard ! ! ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------ December 24, 1993 You lousy, Rotten Son-of-a-bitch !!! Whats with the eleven lords aleeping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the all the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you stupid fucking moron......... Your eternal enemy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ---- December 25, 1993 Dear Sir: This is to acknowlege your latest gift of 12 drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Smith. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention.. If you should attempt to reach Miss Smith at the sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to have you shot on sight. With this letter, is enclosed a warrent for your arrest. Cordially, Wilson, Jones & Meade Attourneys-at-Law.. ® The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp] IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp] IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take *those* either." ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you *know* why." ME: "No really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "Excuse me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "What the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them." MG: "Would you please just leave?" ME: "No." MG: "Fine, have it your way then." ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill." SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the fifty's fake?" MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a **$2** bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food. Excuse me for my ignorance, but could somebody please inform me as to the significance of the $2 bill. Has it been removed from circulation, replaced by a coin (as it ha shere in Australia), or is it just rare? And if it's rare, why is that? Thanx ® Two drunks, one a Texan, and the other from Alaska, had been arguing for hours in the bar of the hotel where they were staying and had met, about which state was the "greatest", "biggest", and/or had the "mostest of everything".. On the way back to the rooms they stopped on the little bridge, about 6 foot above the water in a little hotel garden, oriental style, to relieve themselves... Both hanging out, the Texas says "man that water is cold"... Replied the Alaskan, "yea man, and it's deep too".. 1. Q: What do you call a Roman with a pubic hair in his mouth?? A: Gladiator 2. Three nuns are on their way to heaven, however before they go through the golden gates they must confess their sins to Saint Peter. The first nun steps up and says "Forgive me for I have touched a man's penis". Saint Peter replies "Wash your hands in the holy water and you will be forgiven my child". She washes her hands and proceeds to walk through the gates. He turns back to the other 2 nuns to find them arguing...."What's wrong??" he asks. The third nun turns around and replies...."Well I'm not gargling with the holy water after she's put her arse in it!!!". 3. A man walks into a tattoo shop and says "Hi there, I would like a tattoo please". The tattooist replies "Certainly sir what did you have in mind??". The man says "I would like a tattoo of a $100 bill on my penis!". The tattooist says "Why would you want that??". The gentleman replies "I have three reasons.... 1. I like to take my money into my own hands. 2. I like to watch my money grow. 3. I want to see how long it takes for my wife to blow $100." A small balding storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So the begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!" "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone starts fumbling with the door." The blonde says "Ohmygod, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, HIDE!" "So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably he first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could here the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down'. Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either." "Then I here him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh Shit, I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking." "Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?" "Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!" He was very wealthy and very old - in fact, he was about to celebrate his eighty-third birthday. He went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor gave him a complete physical and then said, "For a man who's about to be eighty-three, you're in marvelous shape. But why a physical just a day before your birthday?" The wealthy old man explained that that very afternoon he was going to marry an eighteen-year old girl. The doctor tried with a great deal of effort to dissuade him. "I'm going ahead with it no matter what," the old man said. "Got any other suggestions, Doc?" "Just one. If you want a really peaceful marriage, I suggest that you take in a boarder." The old man thought about it and said that it sounded like a good idea. The next time the doctor met the old man it was at a fund-raising affair, half a year later. The old man came up to him and said, "Doctor, congratulate me! My wife is pregnant!" The doctor tried to maintain his poise, and said, "Well, so at least you followed my good advice and took in a boarder." "Oh, sure," said the old man, with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well!" The doctors didn't give him much of a chance to live, but he surprised everyone and did so. His parents doted on "the head" and tried every concoction and experimental treatment to help him become "normal" but to no avail. Finally the day before his 16th. birthday his dad got a call from Germany ( they had developed a grafting technique where they could attach the head to a recently deceased person) that they had found a suitable 'donor match' and that he should bring "the head" over on the next flight in the morning. So dad goes into "the head's" room and says: "Son, I know that we have tried many things to help you develop your full potential. Most have been painful both physically during the procedure and emotionally after the failure. Tomorrow is your 16th. birthday and your mother and I have a surprise for you but we don't want to say too much about it as we're not ready to give you false hopes and see them dashed again. Suffice it to say that we love you, and have always wished only the best for you. However we think you'll really be happy with the surprise." The head looks up (with a little tear in the corner of his eyes) and says " Dad, I love you both too, and really thank you for everything you've tried to do, and I'm sure I will love it too... Just as long as it's not another goddamn HAT! --BEGIN ANSWERING MACHINE JOKES- Hi, we have caller ID. You can leave a message... though there's really no need.. Hi, this answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message. What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally manipulated fart. Hi, this so called "answering machine" will not respond to anything you say. Much like most guys. The number you are trying to dial subscribes to MCI's friends and family program. You are not one of them. Your calls have been forwarded to this answering machine service. Hi, this is Johan, this answering machine is only for use by friends. Please hang up now if you aren't one. Hi, i am on IRC (internet relay chat). You can reach me there on #warez. Your ad can be in this space for only $2.99 a day. Please leave your name and number and i'll get back to you about this. Hi, you have reached an answer-person. I don't get paid to respond. However, anything after the whistle will be memorized to the best of my ability. Hi, I am not home, while you are waiting for me to call you bac... load up Netscape and visit my homepage on the internet at http://www.fiu.edu/~jsosa01 Do you realise that at this minute there are people all over the world that have no means of communication? with your 20 second message donation we can bring your voice to the many children that are dying to hear it.. so please.. say something after the beep. The children are waiting. You have dialed into the 30 second NUCLEAR war response centre. Please state the country you wish to annihilate. This is the Iraqi Embassy. Saddam is out invading a poor defenseless nation. Please leave a message after the beep and he will respond as soon as the US kicks his butt. Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone. This does not mean that we dont want to talk to to you. It simply means there is no one home to talk to you. Some people may get the incorrect interpretation that there actually is someone home, but that they just dont want to answer the phone. This is not true. Hi, I may be home, but there is this certain person that i dont like talking to, but I just pretend to be nice to him anyway. So, if you are not that person..Simply say something after the beep and I will recognize you and decide whether to pick up the phone or not. Stop reaching out and trying to touch me dammit! You have reached an answering machine, it is much like a parrot. U say something.. it repeats it..All you do is say something after the beep.. and the next caller will hear your message.. also, this stupid thing can store only one thing at a time ..so if you say something it can only be played once. But, dont worry, the next caller will hear your message because i never check messages on this thing. Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave after the beep will be discarded. Hi, please leave a message after the beep so that we can use your voicepattern to frame you for a murder. You are listening to the last will and testament of Nicole Brown Simpson. Mark Fuhrman has locked me in a room with this guy that was like trying to return my sunglasses to me. Anyways, I found this tape recorder.. and I am gonna tell the world that this Mark Furhman guy is going to frame my loving OJ for Murder.. Let me just throw this tape out on the sidewalk.. perhaps some caring individual will hand the tape over to the proper authorities. By the way, OJ can have the glove. The rest goes to my other lover Kevin Menendez. Farmer Jones was having problems - the bank were bouncing his cheques, and generally upsetting him. To get things sorted out, he arranged to see his bank manager. Rolling his sleeves up, he duly arrived at the counter on Monday morning and told the assistant that he had an appointment to see Mr Bouncer at 10:30. "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid Mr Bouncer had an accident over the weekend and he's in hospital with two broken legs" she said. "Oh" said Jones, and left. Next morning Jones presented himself at the counter again, saying that he had a 10:30 appointment. The assistant thought she recognised him from Monday, but not being sure she explained Mr Bouncer's plight and Jones said "Oh" and left again. Much to the surprise of the counter assistant, Jones arrived again next morning with the same request. "I'm sorry sir" said the assistant "but I've explained to you yesterday *and* the day before that Mr Bouncer has two broken legs and is in hospital. What is your game?" "I just like to hear you say it" said Jones. Santa asked the little girl sitting on his lap what she wanted for Christmas. A Barbie doll replied the girl. That's nice said Santa; is there anything else you would like? Yes, replied the girl, a GI Joe. But Barbie does not come with GI Joe, said Santa; Barbie comes with Ken. No she does not, replied the girl; she fakes it with Ken. Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice. He gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and since they lived in the country, he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had several miles to walk home. After making the call, he smelled the air in the cafe, and he smelled baked beans. These were not just any baked beans, though. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he had gas, and after arriving home, he felt reasonably safe that he had finished the job. His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming, "darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the crystal in the cabinet shake and the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him. While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiled contentedly to himself, and was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party! A small report from the first European space flight. The first European space flight is in progress. On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian. During the flight the following conversation took place between ground control and the crew: Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me? Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear. Pig 1, how is everything? Everything under control Ground Control. No problems. OK, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions. Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and depress the round one. OK pig 2, That's right. Over and out. Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me? Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you. Pig 2, how is everything? Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems. Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please. Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever & push the blue one. OK pig 2, That's right. Over and out. Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me? Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control. Belgian, how is everything? Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems. Belgian, please repeat your instructions. Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not to touch ANYTHING. This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?" Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation). Saint Peter meets him there and says, "Well, you've led an... interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to send you. So we're going to let you decide." Gates swallows nervously and says, "okay". St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach. There's beer and rock music and topless women playing volleyball. Gates says,"Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT!" St. Peter says,"No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like." He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene city park. There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old people are sitting on benches feeding pigeons and playing chess. Gates says,"Well, this is... nice. But, given a choice, I guess I'll take Hell." St. Peter says,"You got it," and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts,"Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach? Where're the babes?" Saint Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, "Sorry, Bill. That was the demo." -------------------------------------- "640k should be enough for anybody" - Bill Gates, 1981. How the bank robbed Bonnie and Clyde A Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie story by Greg Swann "Stick 'em up!" said Clyde. I swear that's what he said. My first bank robbery. I was right behind Clyde in line, so I saw it all. It wasn't what I expected... Behind the teller's cage was Hello-my-name-is-Annabelle, the world's most unflappable teller. She said: "Do you have an account with this bank?" "Huh?! Lady, this is a stick up!" Clyde had one of those cheap little ..25 caliber pistols, the kind that are guaranteed for three armed robberies or one family brawl. He was wearing nylon hose over his head so it was very difficult to tell that he had brown hair, brown eyes and a pitiful little attempted moustache. I don't think his nose is really that flat. "I understand that," said Annabelle. "I asked you if you have an account with this bank." The prim people worship Annabelle as a goddess: she is primness personified, right down to the last tittle and jot. Her mousy-brown hair was wound up in a tight little bun and her little half glasses rode half-way down her nose. She wore a forest green dress with the tiniest white polka dots. I couldn't see her shoes, but I'd bet they have buckles. "Oh, just put the money in the bag!" commanded Bonnie, Clyde's moll. She's an unbearably thin woman with bleached blonde hair and greasy jeans. She didn't bother with a disguise, since the downtown of every city that _has_ a downtown is crawling with unbearably thin women with bleached blonde hair and greasy jeans. "I would like to do that," said Annabelle. "But first I'll need your account number." "I don't have a damn account!" said Clyde. "Okay?! If I had money, why would I be robbing the damn bank?!" "Well, if you don't have an account, I'll need eight dollars." "Eight dollars! What the hell for? If I had eight dollars, I could wait until tomorrow to rob the damn bank!" "Non-depositor's transaction fee," said Annabelle. She tapped her pen on a little sign mounted on the counter: "If you don't have an account with First American Interstate National Trust, we will be happy to process your transaction for a nominal non-depositor's transaction fee of $8.00." Clyde scratched his nylon-plastered chin. "What if somebody wants to cash a pay check?" "Eight dollars," said Annabelle. "Money order?" "Eight dollars." "Change for the bus?" "Eight dollars." "Ju_das_ Priest!" Clyde observed. Annabelle was not one to be distracted. "I'll need eight dollars to process your transaction." I think Clyde might have shot her right then, but Bonnie said, "Wait. I have an account at this bank, I think." Annabelle said, "May I have your bank card, please?" "My _what?"_ "Your bank card. Your ATM card, if you will. I cannot process your transaction without a bank card." Bonnie had an enormous purse, somewhat larger than a duffel bag. She sat down on the floor and began to pull things out of it. There was an amazing quantity of stuff in there and all of it was garbage, only dirtier. Finally she looked up in triumph. "I got it. I got it." She handed the card up to Clyde who handed it to Annabelle. Annabelle said, "Now enter your PIN number." Bonnie struggled to her feat. "My _what?"_ "Your PIN number. Your secret password. The number you enter when you use an ATM machine." Bonnie looked very confused but she stood at the little keypad and typed in a number. "Incorrect. Try again." Bonnie scratched her head and tried again. "Incorrect. Are you sure this is your card?" "I'll get it, I'll get it." Bonnie typed in another number. "Incorrect," said Annabelle. I leaned forward and whispered, "The last four digits of your social security number." Bonnie's face lit up and it took her only two more tries to get it. "That's correct," said Annabelle and Bonnie beamed with pride. Annabelle typed about twenty thousand keystrokes into her computer terminal, pausing now and then as the machine prompted her for more information. After an eternity she looked up and said, "This account is overdrawn." Clyde said, "Huh?" "Overdrawn. This account is overdrawn. By... two dollars and fifty-seven cents." "Wait," said Bonnie. "I got thirty, forty dollars in this bank!" "That was five months ago," said Annabelle. "Since then, we've deducted your account maintenance fee of seven dollars per month." "Great...," said Bonnie. "Good thing we're robbing the bank, because I'm broke." "It is a bit of a problem, though, isn't it?" "What problem?" Clyde demanded. "I cannot process any transactions on this account while it is overdrawn. You'll need to make a deposit to bring it into a positive balance." Clyde guffawed. "You mean we can't rob the damn bank until we give you two dollars and--what was it?" "The minimum cash deposit is five dollars," Annabelle said primly. "Wait," said Bonnie. "I got it, I got it." She rummaged through the many pockets of her purse, pulling out coins and crumpled up, greasy bills. "You take Food Stamps?" Annabelle coughed softly. "No." Bonnie finally dumped her cache of cash on the counter top and Annabelle primly counted out five dollars. "Now fill the damn bag," Bonnie growled. "There _is_ one more small issue..." "Oh great!" said Clyde. "What now?" "There is a teller usage fee." "Sheesh!" Clyde exclaimed. "How much...?" "Two dollars." Bonnie looked at the coins left on the counter. "I don't got it..." Clyde turned his gun on me. He said, "Gimme two bucks. Now!" I said, "You must be joking." "Now!!" "I'm sorry, but I'll have to charge a ten dollar armed robbery fee, payable in advance." He screeched his frustration. There was a little boy behind me with a mayonnaise jar filled with rolled pennies. Clyde said, "Gimme two bucks, kid!" Bonnie pounced on his gun arm. "No way!" she said. "I'll rob a bank, but I ain't rippin' off no kids." A businessman three or four places back in the line reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of bills. He peeled off two dollars and handed it to Bonnie. He said, "I'll pay anything to get this line moving." Bonnie gave the money to Annabelle, who turned back to her terminal and typed in another forty or fifty thousand keystrokes. Clyde finally had time to be nervous. He looked every which way, sweat pouring down his nylon-hosed temples. He was fascinated by the surveillance cameras, and his eyes darted from one to another. Bonnie was clearly bored, and she spent the time examining her nails. They were bitten down to the quick, and, if I were to guess, I'd guess that she planned to have some new ones installed with her share of the swag. Annabelle completed her typing chores, and it didn't take much longer than ten minutes. She took the bag off the counter and began to fill it with the cash from her cash drawer. When she finished, she looked up and said, "I'll need eighteen dollars." "What!?" If Clyde had been a steam boiler, he would have blown. "Eighteen dollars," Annabelle said primly. "Excessive withdrawal fee." "God damn!" said Bonnie. "Just take it out of the damn bag!" Annabelle shook her head. "It's eighteen dollars over and above the amount of the withdrawal." "Christ on a crutch!" Clyde shouted. "Is there _anything_ in this bank that's for free?!" Annabelle smiled brightly. "We are always happy to explain our fee structure at no charge." Bonnie said, "I give up. I just give up. I never thought robbing a bank would be so much damn trouble. Let's go knock over a liquor store, where they got some sense." "Hell with it," said Clyde, stuffing his gun in his pocket. "Let's just _go_ to a liquor store. We can cadge quarters 'til we get enough for a bottle." Bonnie looked doubtful. "She's still got our money..." "Leave it!" He clawed at his hose-clad face. "Man, does this stuff _itch!"_ Bonnie scooped her change off the counter. "I don't got enough for bus fare..." "I don't care! We'll walk!" They shambled out of the bank and Annabelle took the bag of money off the counter top. She fixed me with a prim little look. She said, "Next, please." TO: Technical Support I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. -- john reay ICQ 6760685 '_o_' ======= tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a' _____----(_o_)----_____ / '-------------' \ verengan Ha'DIbaH [' '] A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding." Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer. Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days." As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account." Breakfast conversations... USA: Pass the sugar, sugar. UK: Pass the honey, honey. Australia: Pass the tea, bag. New Zealand: Thanks for ruining my life you fat fucking bitch! The newly-married couple came home to Brooklyn from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents. That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his deep sleep by his wife nudging him by hitting his stomach with her elbow. "Frank, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Frank!" So Frank rolled on top of her and fucked her. He was trying to fall back to sleep when, fifteen minutes later, the same sounds were heard. The wife said, "Frank! Listen to them. Come on Frank!" Once again, Frank got on top of her and fucked her. A short time later the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again. And again the wife nudged her husband. "Frank, listen!" At this, Frank leaped from the bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man!" A single man wants someone to help him with the household chores, so he decides to get a pet to help out. He goes to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggests a dog but the man says 'Nah, dogs can't wash up' The owner suggests a cat but the man says 'Nah, cat's can do the ironing' The owner then suggests a centipede, saying 'This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything' Ok, the man thinks, I'll give it a try, so he buys it and takes it home. Once home he tells the centipede to do the washing up. 5 minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. 'Great' thinks the man. Now he tells the centipede to do the dusting and vacuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. 'Wow' thinks the man. So he decides to try another idea. 'Go down the shops and get me the evening paper' he tells the centipede and off it goes. 15 minutes later, the centipede hasn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man is sick of waiting, so he gets up and goes out to look for the centipede. As he opens the front door, there on the step is the centipede. 'Hey, watcha doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?' "Hold onto your shirt mate" says the centipede "I'm still putting my boots on!!!" He heard that a certain whorehouse had an unusual reputation for the bizarre. So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey hen that had been trained to perform oral sex. "We've got her here, but only for the day." The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room with the hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his penis into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old chicken. And so he left. Thinking about it later, he decided that he had had so much fun trying, that he returned the next day and asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching a woman trying to make it with a dog. "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really great!" The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin! You shoulda been here yesterday and seen the guy with the chicken!" KUN TON TUNG CAFE Chinese & English TAKE AWAY MEALS ---------------------------------- MEAT DISHES BOL (Meat balls) HOL MEIN KOK (Scrag encased in Lady Fingers) KOK SOR (Sausages rubbed in Chile Powder) EJAK YU LAIT (Shaft of Mutton in White Cream Sause) LONG DIK (Coq in Vin) YU NIK (Meat Balls extract) SPECIALITIES FUG YU (Chinese Toast) MUN THLEI (Popular period dish) KOW POO (Savoury Beef Pancakes) HO MO (Sausage suprise) OR GEI (Pick of the Week) VEGETABLES PEE SOF (Chinese Loaves) WOT KUNG FOO DAT (Tossed Salad) SI KIN LU (Sweet and Sour in hot Sauce) PU BIK (Young Sprouts) HOO KRAP (Yellow Rice with Meat droppings) HOO KUM MON MAT (Thick white Cream on Rye Bread) SAUCES PEE SON (Cantonese Dripping) SEI MEIN (Flavoured White Sauce) YU KUM (Hand-made thick White Sauce) FAN TOM AR SOL (Invisible Brown Sauce without Nuts) DESERTS VEI DEI (Spotted Dick) KU MEIN (Cream Squirt) YU PONG (Craep Suzette) KUM MOR (Extra Cream) AR SPIK (Chocolate Fingers) HOOSHI TIN FAN (Chocolate spread) OR JEI (Chinese stuffing on Bed of Mandarins) ESKI MOKUM (Frosted Banana Cream) WUN HUNG LO (Mixed Nuts) HU PONG (Chinese Snifters) DI REA (Chinese afters in Aromatic Brown Sauce) The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor. Dear Father, 1.Next time sip rather than gulp. 2.There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3.There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4.We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T". 5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!" 6.We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys" 7.David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him". 8.Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water. 9.We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko". 10.The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as "The Godfather" 11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, "Eat me." 12.David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass" 13.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook" 14.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry". 15.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's There was this masseuse that worked in a hospital that specialized in coma patients. One day while he was giving a lady, who was in a coma, a massage he accidentally brushed up against her breast. As soon as he did this the life signs monitor began beeping loudly. The masseuse got very exciting and called the doctor. "Doctor", the masseuse said, "I accidentally brushed up against this woman's breast and the life sign monitor started beeping. The doctor was interested and asked the masseuse to do it again. The masseuse did it again with the same results. The doctor was now intrigued so he said to the masseuse: "This is very interesting, why don't you try and give her oral sex and then call me back and tell what happens." The masseuse agreed to give it a try. As the masseuse proceeded the life sign monitor started beeping wildly and then more wildly....and then just stopped dead. The woman had died! The masseuse called the doctor back and said: "Doctor, something terrible went wrong. I did what you asked me and the woman died!" The doctor asked "How could this have happened". "I dunno", the masseuse replied, "but I think she choked to death." REM One night, about 9:00pm, I walked into this bar to have a beer. As I walked through the door, everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing and looked right at me. Looking disappointed, they soon returned to their conversations and drinks. I stepped up to the bar and ordered a beer. Making conversation, I asked the bartender, "Boy, I think everyone looked like they were expecting someone else." "Yeah," said the bartender, "I might as well let you in on it. It's kind of a long story, but here goes. A few nights ago, about 9:00pm, this gorgeous blonde walked in and ordered a Budweiser. Now, this wasn't just an average dame. She was perfect in every way. Great body, good looks, and dressed to the hilt. If the best thing I'd ever seen was a 10, she was a 20. Anyway, she drinks about half the Bud, and passes out cold on the floor. I quickly raced around the bar to see what had happened. Everyone else gathered around in curiosity. Well, she was out cold. We tried everything but couldn't arouse her. What happened next, I'm a little ashamed about. She was so helpless and all...well anyway, we decided, the other guys and me to take a look at her tits. Wow! She was really stacked, and we soon found that she was a natural blonde, if you know what I mean. One thing led to another, and soon we were taking turns screwing her. I know that sounds sick, but you had to be there." "Well, after an hour or so later, she finally did wake up. She looked around sheepishly and gathered herself together and left the bar. I thought that was it, but the next night she came back again. This is where it gets spooky...she did the exact same thing again...ordered a Bud and we all screwed her again. Well, this has happened about 5 nights in a row, and when you came in, we all thought it was her. I guess you think this sounds really bizarre." "Well," I replied, "it's kinda weird all right. She's never said anything about what happened?" "No," said the bartender. "She just leaves when she wakes up." At that very moment, the door opened again and this incredible creature walked in. The bartender didn't do her justice. Having heard the story, and seeing her in the flesh gave me the most rapid and uncontrollable erection I've ever had. This babe had it all. She walked right up to the bar and sat down. The bartender, smiling at me, walked over to her and asked, "Budweiser?" "No," she replied. "I'd better have a Coors tonight." "Coors?" the bartender asked. "Yeah," she said. "I've sworn off Budweiser....everytime I drink it, it makes my pussy hurt really bad!" A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??" The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life." Down in Cajun country, a deputy sheriff went to the house of the old man whose wife was missing, and said to him "I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?" The old man replied "Give me the bad news first" "Well," said the deputy, "we just found your wife in the river, drowned." The old man broke down and, crying hysterically, walked away from the deputy to grieve. A few minutes later he hobbled back to the deputy and asked "If that was the bad news, what's the good news?" "Well" said the deputy, "when we fished her out of the water, there were ten, maybe twelve, big blue crabs on her... so we're sending her back down in the morning" A famous painter received a lucrative commission by the Montana legislature some time ago to create a giant painting for the new state office building. The theme was to be Custer's Last Stand, and the commissioners insisted that the painter be absolutely correct historically and politically. When the painter asked for more information as to just what the state wanted, he received little help. In fact, all the commissioners would say to the painter was that it might be a good idea to create the painting around Custer's last ideas or words about what he saw. The painter pondered the problem for a short time, put himself in Custer's shoes, and developed his grand idea. He insisted, however, that he be given not only great freedom but also the ability to work in total privacy. His wanted his work to be accurate and a surprise and he was a bit concerned that not all would appreciate his conception. After several months, the painting was completed. At a formal ceremony, a large crowd gathered before the giant veiled painting in eager anticipation. The governor, himself, pulled the cord, and as the drapery fell from the painting, there was a loud gasp from the audience. There before them was a massive panorama of the treeless hills of the Little Big Horn. And there was Custer and a few of his men staring in awe at hundreds of Indians all around them in the act of making love. The governor was utterly shocked, and he rushed to the artist demanding to know what the artist had in mind. The artist replied that he had been told to capture on canvas the last thoughts of Custer. And after thinking about it, it came to him in a flash. Surely, among the last things Custer was likely to have thought and said, based on what he saw around him, was, "Look at all them f**king Indians!" A man brings his wife to the doctor, where they learn that she has only 2 weeks to live. After 2 weeks, the wife does indeed die. The day after the funeral, the man calls the doctor and asks, "Doctor, what's the diagnosis on my wife?" The doctor is shocked, but replies, "Sir, your wife is dead. She died 3 days ago." The next day, the man calls the doctor again and asks, "Doctor, what's the diagnosis on my wife?" The doctor can't believe this this happening, but calmly replies, "Sir, you wife is dead. She died 4 days ago." This continues to happen, day after day, until the doctor feels he must do something about it. So, when the man calls later that day and asks about the condition of his wife, the doctor says, "Sir, your wife is dead! D E A D, dead! You've got to learn to live with your grief and get on with life! Why do you continue to torture yourself this way?" To which the man replies, "I guess I just never get tired of hearing it!" There's this traveling salesman, a long way from home. It's getting dark and he spots a farmhouse up ahead and decides to see if the farmer will put him up for the evening. He arrives, knocks on the door, the farmer opens and says, "What can I do for you sonny?" "Well, I need a place to stay for the evening. Can you put me up?" the salesman asks. "I really don't have the room. But I will tell you what. My daughter's upstairs in bed. If you promise not to bother her, I will let you sleep up there." This was OK with the salesman. So he takes his bags upstairs, quietly enters the darkened bedroom, takes off his clothes and slips into the other side of the bed. He's laying there, and since he's been on the road for quite a while, he starts to get a little horny knowing there is a young girl laying next to him. And he's thinking," boy that girl seems to be a sound sleeper.....I wonder." Finally, he decides, what the hell, carefully slips off his shorts and slips it to the girl. After a few minutes, apparently without the girl realizing she had just gotten screwed the salesman rolls over to sleep. The next morning, the salesman was up at the crack of dawn, in a hurry to leave lest the farmer found out he had broken his word. He hurredly goes downstairs, asks the farmer how much. "Two dollars," says the farmer. "After all, you did have to share a bed with my daughter." As the salesman is leaving, he remarks, "You know, your daughter does seem be be very quiet." "Yeah, I know," answers the farmer. " We'll be burying her this afternoon. You know she died last week." A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says to the bartender "i have a talking dog! Watch this." Then the man says to his dog "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "What's on sandpaper feel like?" "Ruff!" The bartender says " He ain't talking! Answer this dog: Who was the 31st president?" The dog looked down at the ground and back up and suddenly went "Uh...Coolridge?" One day, as a priest was sitting in his office, Dopey walked in and asked him if there were any dwarf nuns in his parish. The priest tells Dopey, that no, there were no dwarf nuns in his parish. Two days later, Dopey and Doc walk into the office and Dopey asks the priest if there are any dwarf nuns in any of the convents in the area. The priest looks at Dopey and says No, there are no dwarf nuns in any of the convents in the area. A week later, Dopey, Doc and Sneezy walk into the priest's office and Dopey asks the priest if there are any dwarf nuns in the U.S. The priest, sleightly exasperated, says no there are no dwarf nuns in the U.S. Two weeks later, all seven dwarves walk into the priest's office. Dopey asks the priest if there are any dwarf nuns in the world. The priest says that he is absolutely certain that there are no dwarf nuns in existance anywhere. Whereon, the other six dwarves point at Dopey and chant - Dopey fucked a penguin... :) One day the teacher told the class that they were to draw something exciting on the chalkboard and then explain why this was exciting. Little Bobby goes up and draws a bicycle and tells the class that he just got a bike for his birthday and rides it all over, so it is very exciting. Jimmy goes up and draws a car and says that his family just bought a new car and are very excited.... they drive it all over. Sally turn comes, so she goes up and draws to dots on the board and sits down. The teacher asks her what is exciting about two dots. Sally: Oh those aren't dots, there periods, and my sister just missed two of them and my daddy is very excited. :-) NAME dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing random code in memory SYNTAX dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]] DESCRIPTION Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked) to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows: -d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping fingers next to keyboard. -n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs are made during execution. -r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be re-selected for this dream. -R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is is flashed on the screen for every instruction. -s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these devices may confuse the program. -w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program. Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the system proves extremely slow. The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious (background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has not been proven. WARNING do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard. SEE ALSO sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C) A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man's license. The man replies,"Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?" The policeman answers,"You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on, officer," the man replies,"You know I was only going 35." "No you weren't!" quips the wife,"I told you you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket!" "Shut Up!" grunts the husband. The policeman continues,"I'm also am charging you for going through a red light." "Officer," the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow - not red." The wife pipes in,"No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was red - I told you." At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "SHUT UP!" The policeman exclaims,"Hey! stop yelling at you wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks,"Does he always talk to you this way?" She calmly replies,"No, only when he's been drinking." A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while, the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes, he manages to stand up and croaks, "It's my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves. A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Rabbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Rabbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Rabbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rabbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Rabbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, Rabbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Rabbit.$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rabbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog didfor him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room." :-o Wow! :-c Real unhappy :-| Grim :-C Just totally unbelieving := | Baboon :-B Drooling :-v Speaking :-, Smirk :-V Shout :-|| Anger :-w Speak with forked tongue :-) Smiling :-r Sticking tongue out :-( Frowning :-* Oops! '-) Wink :-T Keeping a straight face ;-) Sardonic Incredulity :-D Said with a smile %- Drunk with laughter :-x Kiss kiss :-" Pursing lips :-[ Pouting :-# My lips are sealed :-X A big wet kiss! :-P Tongue hanging out in anticipation :-Y A quiet aside 8-| Eyes wide with surprise >-< Absolutely livid!! &-| Tearful |-{ "Good Grief!" (Charlie Brown?) :-} "Thish wine tashted pretty good" 8-] "wow, maaan" 8-O "Omigod!!" (done after "rm -rf *" ?) :-, "Hmmmm." |~( "Someone just busted my nose". :^D "Great! I like it!" B-D "Serves you right, dummy!!" :-) Your basic smiley. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix. ;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley. :-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something. :-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smiley :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-). >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones: (-: User is left handed %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight :*) User is drunk [:] User is a robot 8-) User is wearing sunglasses B:-) Sunglasses on head ::-) User wears normal glasses B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses 8:-) User is a little girl :-)-8 User is a Big girl :-{) User has a mustache :-{} User wears lipstick {:-) User wears a toupee }:-( Toupee in an updraft :-[ User is a Vampire :-E Bucktoothed vampire :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing :-7 User just made a wry statement :-* User just ate something sour ;-( User is crying ;-) User is so happy, s/he is crying :-@ User is screaming :-# User wears braces :^) User has a broken nose :<) User is from an Ivy League School :-& User is tongue tied. +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning ,:-) Same thing...other side |-I User is asleep |-O User is yawning/snoring :-Q User is a smoker :-? User smokes a pipe O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least) :-P Nyahhhh! :-S User just made an incoherent statement :-D User is laughing (at you!) :-X User's lips are sealed :-C User is really bummed <|-) User is Chinese <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes :-/ User is skeptical C=:-) User is a chef @= User is pro-nuclear war *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat :-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smiley 3:[ Mean Pet smiley d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat. E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator :-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is braindead [:-) User is wearing a walkman (:I User is an egghead <:-I User is a dunce K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie @:-) User is wearing a turban :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant Smiley The invisible smiley .-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking X-( User just died C=}>;*{O) Mega-Smiley... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin :] - Gleep...a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend :) - Happy :> - hmm, let me think... :D - Laughter :I - Hmmm, not funny! :( - Sad :[ - Real Downer :< - what pretences! :{ - oh boy, the headmaster!... :O - Yelling ;( - Crying [] - Hugs and :* - Kisses :-1 smiley bland face :-! " :-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut :-6 smiley after eating something sour 8-) smiley swimmer :-* smiley after eating something bitter :-& smiley which is tongue-tied :-0 smiley orator (:-( unsmiley frowning =:-) smiley punk-rocker =:-( (real punk rockers don't smile) +-:-) smiley priest :-o smiley singing national anthem :-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!) :-[ un-smiley blockhead :-] smiley blockhead :-{ smiley variation on a theme :-} ditto {:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle }:-) above in an updraft g-) smiley with pince-nez glasses :-\ undecided smiley :-/ lefty undecided smiley :-| "have an ordinary day" smiley ;-) winking smiley :-< real sad smiley :-x "my lips are sealed" smiley :-c bummed out smiley :-v talking head smiley :-? smilely smoking a pipe 0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?) :< midget unsmiley :> midget smiley :-) ha ha ~~:-( net.flame |-) hee hee |-D ho ho :-> hey hey :-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide :-I hmm :-O uh oh >:-I net.startrek :-P nyah nyah 3:o[ net.pets |-P yuk Male :- Female >- \:^) - gumby smiley 8-o - Mr. Bill smiley :-{) - moustache smiley :^{)> - moustache and beard smiley B^) - Hornrimmed glasses smiley =|;()***<=====| <---laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund sideways -- this is the basic figure =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, F holding a gun =};()****<====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, =] carrying bedtray w/ glass of milk =};()****<^===| lauging monocled man in tux and cummerbund, w/ erection =};()****<====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, P carrying klaxon or posthorn /_ / =}8()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, \ _ and opera cape and mask \ =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, o0 carrying a large puffin v =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, <)___)= oooo and Jetson jet-pack. =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, -- - - O dropping a bowling ball or pumpkin. =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, =o and pet rabbit, noticeably fatigued v G | =};()****<=====| laughing monocled man in tux and cummerbund, | and unusually long Steve Martin-arrow-through-head trick V There were these two guys in a bar who were trying to pick up some women. This geeky little quiet guy was also sitting by the bar. Two gorgeous women went over and whispered something in his ear and they walked out of the bar. The two guys were confused and one asked the bartender, "Man what does that guy have that we don't?" The bartender replied, "I dunno...he just sits there quietly everyday, drinks a beer, and licks his eyebrows..." Federal Aviation Administration Washington, D.C. Gentlemen: I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened. The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charbroiled steaks and the greatest martinis. On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather, but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier. When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snowflakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator, I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line-boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason. We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec, they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape. The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Departure Control Radar, but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we? It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while, but these phenomena sometimes occur, I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time. Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport, there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of lightning. I decided that my neighbor would see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of heights, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this. As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving. To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency, so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain as a taxpayer. Evidently, they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some goddam-stupid-son-of-a-bitch up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful, so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some general with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem. Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery. Very truly yours, Geoff "Ace" Cross This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which had been so crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty. "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?" An old jewish doctor was getting pensioned and he had a big jar wit abt 2000 foeskins he had operated during his life. He took the jar to his shoemaker friend and told him to do something nice to his wife out of them. One week later he returned and got a very small purse for coins. He was dissapointed, but the shoemaker told "It's special if your wife strikes i very gently for a while it will turn into a suitcase!" JUNGLE BUNGLE An American, an Englishman, and a Iraqian were all walking through a deep south american jugnle one day when they happened upon a tribe of cannibals. These cannibals surrounded the three men and took them prisoners in their camp. The chief of the tribe approached the men, one at a time, asking them ,"Okay, since I am fair, I will give you each a weapon of your choice and give you an opportunity to escape...But I must warn you...if we catch you, we'll shoot you with poison darts, skin you, and make a canoe out of you." The chief goes to the American first, "Which weapon would you like?" The American, who grew up on the streets of Los Angeles, decided, "I'd like a gun." So the chief hands the American a gun and he takes off into the jungle. He manages to shoot several tribesman, but soon he runs out of ammunition. Immediately he is surrounded by one thousand tribesman, who promptly shoot him with poison darts, skin him, and then make a canoe out of him. Next, the chief goes up to the Englishman. "And what weapon would you like?" The Englishman responds,"I'd like a horse." The chief replies,"Well, that's not really a weapon, but I'll give you a horse anyway." So the Englishman goes riding off into the jungle, galloping all the way. However, soon he is surrounded by one thousand tribesman on horseback, he close in on him, shoot him with poison darts, skin him, and make a canoe out of him. finally, the chied goes up to the Iraqian. "And what would you like?" The Iraqian replies,"I'd like a fork." The chief, taken aback by his response, says,"A fork?! What could you possibly do with that?" But the Iraqian shakes his head. "Look," he says, looking sternly at the chief," you said I could have any weapon I wanted right? Well, I want a fork. So just give it to me!" The chief shrugs. "Okay," he says, handing him a fork. "Here you go." Immediately the Iraqian starts stabbing himself all over with the fork, up and down his torso, putting holes in his body. The chief is astonished by what he sees, and asks him,"What are you doing?!" To which the Iraqian responds," HA! HA! Your not going to make a canoe out of ME!" A fairy met a fox and a rabbit in the forest and promised them 3 wishes each. The fox first wish was to get several foxy ladies. The rabbits first wish was a sack foll of carrots. The fox second wish was still more ladies and the rabbits second wish was a small motorbike. The fox wanted as third wish still more foxy ladies. The rabbit put his carrots on the motorbike started it and wished as his last wish "I wish the fox will neve more have an erection!" Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You mean?..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate." A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!" A bright, well-behaved little boy lived with his parents and grandparents in suburbia. One evening, the boy's father passed outside his bedroom and was pleased to hear him kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers. He finished off with: God bless mummy God bless daddy God bless grandma Ta ta grandpa The father thought this form of prayer a little strange, but was so pleased that his son was praying of his own accord, that he thought nothing more of it. Until, that is, he woke up to find that grandpa had passed away with a stroke during the night. A few weeks later, he again overheard his son's prayers: God bless mummy God bless daddy Ta ta grandma Sure enough, the next morning we find that the little boy's grandmother had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away peacefully. Our father was baffled by this turn of events. Was he the father of a strangely talented and gifted son? What could this lead to - fame, fortune ... who knows! Our principle eavesdropper decided to listen in on all his sons prayers from that night on, to see what other mystical secrets might be revealed. But our hero was not to be so well rewarded. There was nothing in his son's prayers in the least unusual for several weeks. Then one night, he overheard him say: God bless mummy Ta ta daddy Our hero was stricken with grief! What had he done to deserve such a short life! His parents had been old and withered; but he was still in the prime of life! So great was his turmoil, that he didn't get a wink of sleep all night. He got up in the morning expecting disaster to strike at any time. He drove extra carefully to work that morning, and stayed in his office all day. On his return home, he poured out his worries to his wife. He'd had an awful day, grief stricken, worried, and just wanted to get it over with. But his wife had no time for him. "You think YOU'VE had a bad day. I've been waiting for you to get back to help me out. I've had a terrible day today. I got up this morning and opened the front door to find the milkman lying dead on the porch...." Two rival archeologists are searching a recently discovered tomb, when they come across one of the oldest sarcophagi they have ever seen. Once they have opened the coffin, Johnson steps up and says, "Based on my expertise, I would say this mummy is approximately 3500 years old." Not to be outdone, Wilson leans in and says, "I agree, but I would go further and say that this is the body of a rich man who died late in life." Johnson replies, "Of course, but I would also add that the embalmers were from the old school and prepared the body in the ways of the ancients." Wilson adds, "You're perfectly right, and the last thing I would add is that this gentleman certainly died of a heart attack." Johnson is finally stumped, and cries, "Now wait a minute. How could you possibly know that?" "Easy, this little slip of paper clutched in his hand says '50,000 shekels on Goliath'." My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired. Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned. We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!", I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!" "You'll think of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do". "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom" "But....," I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye" She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could. As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea. One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs. His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament. Finally, he spoke. "What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said. I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot. I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing. It's the French Revolution and they're doing the usual beheadings. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to lie face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. They take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the druckard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well. The enginner is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer says "Hey, I see what your problem is.........." A priest and a rabbi were at a local charity function and were both bored to tears as the mayor went on about her local projects. By and by the priest leaned over to the rabbi and said to him "So, Rabbi Birnbaum - you're Jewish, eh? "That's right" replied the Rabbi "So I guess you're not allowed to eat pork" "That's right again", replied the Rabbi cautiously. "Now come on, Rabbi, just between you, me and the table - have you ever slipped up? Have you ever eaten pork?" The Rabbi looked in both directions and then whispered "Yeah - once, when I was very young". The dinner continued and so did the mayor and now both religious leaders were seriously distracted. The Rabbi leaned over to the priest. "So Father O'Reilly. You, as a priest, are certainly expected never to have sex with a woman. This is true, is it not?" "True it is" replied the priest "we all take vows of celibacy!" The Rabbi smiled. "Now Father O'Reilly - just between you and me - and I will keep your answer to myself - have you ever, you know, 'slipped up' as you say? Have you ever had sex with a woman? The priest looked both ways and then confided "Yes, as a matter of fact, I did once when I was very young." The Rabbi winked "Sure beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, don't it! A snippet spotted in Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" ( British Police Wit). Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. A guy dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him warmly at the gates of Hell, and they enter a long corridor. As they walk along, the Devil explains, " Now that you're in Hell, you must choose the manner in which you must spend all eternity. I will show you some rooms and you must choose one." They get to the first room. The door opens, and the man peers in. An endless circle of the damned with weights strapped to their backs walk around barefoot on hot coals. "Oh, I don't think I like that" said the man. They continue to the second room. In the second room, the damned walk around, listening to elevator muzak, walking on broken glass. "Oh, I don't think I could stand that" said the man. In the last room, the man was surprised to find the damned standing around up to their armpits in sh*t, drinking coffee. "That doesn't look so bad!" said the man. "I'll stay here for eternity." "Very well," said the Devil, closing the door behind him. "Hmm... this isn't so bad" thought the man, as a Demon gave him a cup of coffee. Suddenly, the room supervisor called out on his megaphone... " ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS! " Hickory Dickory Dock Two mice ran up a sock One stopped at the garter The other was smarter. Hickory dickory dock *********** Hickory dickory dock Two mice ran up the clock The clock struck one But the other escaped with only minor injuries. Film at eleven. *********** Humpty Dumpty Sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty Had a great fall All the king's horses And all the king's men Fucked the queen. A man walks into a bar and he sees a horse in the corner. Next to the horse is a suitcase full of money. The man walks up to the bartender and asks "what is that horse doin' in the bar?" To this the bartender replies, "well you pay me five dollars and you get one chance to make the horse laugh, if you can get him to laugh you can have that suitcase full of money." The man pays the five bucks to the bartender, walks over to the horse and whispers into his ear. Needless to say, the horse absolutely falls down laughing, not just a chuckle, but a full blown belly laugh, just absolutely dying of laughter. The man picks up the suitcase tips his hat to the astonished bartender and walks out the door. About a week later the same man walks into the same bar and that same horse is in the corner with a new suitcase full of money beside it. He walks up to the bartender and says "ok what do I have to do to get that suitcase?" The bartender answers "well, since you were the only one that could make him laugh, you have to make him cry now." The man nods nonchalantly, strolls right up to the horse. Beforse the bartender knew what was happening the horse was breaking down crying, and a stream of tears was running down its snout. The man picked up the suitcase and was about to walk out when the bartender said "you made him laugh and cry... Christ.. tell me how you did it!" The man replied "first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, second time I showed him." Two IBM salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. "Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of IBM salesman and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you." Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two IBM salesmen. "Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give em a decent burial." So the couple dug a hole and buried the IBM salesman. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. "You folks see this accident?" "No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident and gave them IBM salesman a decent burial" "You were sure that they were dead??" "Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those IBM salesmen exaggerate!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a hot summer day. They ride up to a bar and tie up the horses. The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, I want you to stay out here and run around the horses to cool them off." "No problem Keemosabi." The Lone Ranger goes into the bar and starts drinking. He looses track of time and it's hours later when someone walks into the bar and says, "Anybody in here own a white stallion?" "That's mine." says the Lone Ranger "Why?" "Well I just wanted to let you know you left your horse out here with the injun running." One day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were out on patrol when they came to a mountain pass. As they rode through the pass, the Lone Ranger noticed a large number of Indians looking down at them from the ridge above. He looked to the opposite ridge, and found it similarly populated. Glancing ahead and behind, he discovered the pass completely blocked by more Indians. "Well, Tonto, it looks like we're headed for some trouble," the Lone Ranger said to his faithful companion. "What you mean WE, white man?" came the reply. A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers make photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" These are from Flumen and Flumen, J. of School Psychol., 17, 82-84, 1979 The questions are those from the WISCR and WPPSI (IQ Tests for little people) Q: In what way are an apple and a banana alike? A: Both give me diarrhea Q: What is the color of rubies? A: My sister, Ruby, is black like me. Q: What should you do if you see thick black smoke coming from the window of your neighbour's house? a: I would probly cough. I'm lergic to smoke. Q: What doyou call this finger? a: It's your sucker. Q: What does contagious mean? a: Don't go near the baby. She might throw up. Q: What does the stomach do? A: It makes food so it can come out of my rear end smoother. Q: Why do we have to put stamps on letters? A: I don't know where else toput them. Q: If I cut an apple in half, how many pieces will I have? A: one Q: Are you sure I will only have one piece? A; Yes. I will have the other piece. Q: Name 2 things that are round. A: Boobs Q: What is the thing to do if you were sent to buy a loaf of bread and the grocer says he does not have any more? a: Call him a liar and ask him what he's trying to pull. q; In what ways are paperback books better than hardcover books. a: More dirty pictures. Q: What is a donkey? a: I'm not allowed to say that word. Q: What do we call a baby cow? A: (long pause) ... a bully? Q: Now I'm gong to say some numbers, but this time when I stop I want you to say them backwards. For example, if I say 9-2-7, what would you say? A: I'd say, you've got to be kidding. Paddy came home early one day and finds his wife standing naked in front of the mirror looking at herself. "Woman what are 'ya doin' parading your naked body around like that for?", asked paddy. "I was at the doctor today Paddy and he said I had the finest looking body he'd seen, for a woman of my age". "Sure, what did he say about your big, fat , irish arse?" asks paddy. "Oh Paddy 'yer name was never mentioned at all" answers his wife. A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!" One day this Jewish guy wins the lottery. He's got millions and millions of dollars, and he decides he wants to build a status. So, the next day, he goes to a sculptor and tells him that he wants a statues for his front lawn carved. "Well, ehat would you like the statue to be?", says the sculptor. "I want the statue to be of Hitler," replies the Jewish man. "Adolf Hitler!!?" exclaims the sculptor, "Why would you want a statue of adolf Hitler? He tortured and killed millions of your people." "Well," says the Jewish man, whilst rolling up his sleeve, "He gave me the numbers." This old lady arrives into town by bus and is several hours late. Her relatives have already gone home, so she decides to stay in a hotel for the night. She goes up to the desk clerk and in a very heavy Jewish accent says: "Tell me darlink, I am so tired, my bus was late, my family has gone home and I have no place to go. All I need is a little room, nothing fancy, just a place to rest my head. Please, I am so tired. do you have a room"? So the clerk, very abruptly says: "We have nothing available"! So the little old lady goes and sits on a bench nearby to rest her weary bones and figure out what to do. A few minutes later, two slightly tipsy men walk into the hotel, bang on the clerk's bell and demands: "We want two jacuzzi rooms, king size beds, a bar, and room service and we want it now"? The clerk replies: "Yes sir no problem, I see we have that available"! So the old lady sees this, and not to embarrass the desk clerk, she waits for the two men to leave. When they do, she goes up to him and asks... "Tell me darlink, I come in, I ask for a small room, nothing fancy, you say you have nothink, then these two men come in, vant two rooms and they get vat they vant. Tell me darlink, vat is going on"? The desk clerk says: "I'm sorry ma'am, but we cannot rent rooms to people of the Jewish faith". She says: Jewish? Who's Jewish? Ask me any question and I'll tell you the answer"! So the desk clerk asks her the perverbial three questions and says: "If you get them right, you can have the room. First question, how many wise men were there"? She thinks for a moment and says: I'll tell you, there were three wise men! He says: "Okay, what was Jesus Christ's mother's name"? She thinks a little longer: "I'll tell you, her name was Mary"! Then the clerk says nervously: "Okay, if you get this one right, you may have the room. Where was Jesus Christ born"? She thinks for a moment longer than before and says: "I'll tell you. He was born in Bethlehem, and in a manger, and in a stable, and do you know why he was born in a stable? Because a motherfucker gentile like you wouldn't give him a room"! Mr. Johnson had worked for the same firm for 25 years. Each day he would come to work at exactly 9:00. Never early, never late, never taking vacation. He had never missed a day of work in those 25 years and became a legend throughout the organization. In fact, it was a ritual that about 8:55 each morning, everyone, including the boss, would start to watch the door for Mr. Johnson's arrival. Sure enough, at exactly 9:00, Mr. Smith would come through the door. Except one day. As usual, everyone began watching the door at 8:55. At 9:00 they all expected Mr. Johnson to swoop through. Well, it turned 9:00 and no Mr. Johnson. Now there was a slight commotion. 9:05 and still no Johnson. People became concerned. This had never happened before. Groups gathered to express their puzzlement, the whole operation came to a halt. The boss went from group to group asking, "Where in the world is Johnson? Can anyone tell me?" This went on until 10:00. At 10:00, the dor opens, in limps Johnson, with bruises all over his face, his suit torn, knees scraped, dirty and with his arm in a sling. Well, the boss rushed right up him blurting, "Johnson, we were so worried about you. What happened?" "Well," said Johnson. "It has been quite an experience. When I exited the subway and was walking up the stairs, I stumbled and fell head over heels down three flights. As you can see, it banged me up considerably. It knocked me cold. Someone called a doctor, who set ny broken arm. So, you see, That's why I'm late today." The boss leans back with a look of disbelief. "Whaaaaat? And you mean that took a whole hour?" For Better Communication Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of change to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of a soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive the news with joy. Then the hard 'c' would be replased by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written as 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where some komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horrible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v' vitsh is, after al half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kuld be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of de guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru. A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that was laughing like hell. I mean laughing real hard (one would have said It's Squiffy!). All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. At one time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found : Page down | | | \ / V The contraceptive pill! Actual radio conversation released by the Cheif of Naval Operations 10-10-95 #1:Divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. #2:RECOMMEND you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision #1:This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course #2:No, I say again, divert YOUR course #1:THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! #2:This is the Puget Sound Lighthouse. It's your call Don't ya love the military, always right no matter what the facts A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision. Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. half a pack a day." "Starting NOW no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks: "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor continues: "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues: "Do you have sex? "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity." The salesman called the house and the little boy answered (whispering), "Hello" Salesman: "May I speak to your mother or father?" Boy: "They're busy" Salesman: "Then what about your sister, is she home?" Boy (still whispering), "Yeah, but she's busy too". Salesman: "Well do you have a brother?" Boy: "He's busy too". Salesman: "What's going on there? They can't ALL be busy! I want to talk to an adult. Please get one for me." Boy: "I can't. They're all busy". Salesman: "What, may I ask, are they all so busy doing?" Boy (still whispering): "Looking for me." A young woman married and had 23 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 17 children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preach prayed to the lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandments to "go forth and multiply"... In his final eulogizing, he noted, "thank you lord that they're finally together"... Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked: "Do you think he means her first husband or her second?" The answer: "He means her legs!" There was this Jew who prayed daily to win the lottery. "God," he'd say, "please let me win the lottery. Please Please let me win the lottery." About ten years of this passed, and our Jew, still praying every day, was getting a mite exasperated. Finally he said, "God, why haven't I won the lottery? I've prayed every day for ten years and I haven't won the lottery." "Irving," a voice boomed, "at least meet me half way and purchase a lottery ticket." TOP 10 WAYS MICRO$OFT WOULD CHANGE THE AUTO BU$INE$$- 10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automake-a first. 7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light. 6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or Car NT-but then you would have to buy more seats. 3. Occassionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. 2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car. 1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years. A conversation with his brother Fred, from today's Don Imus show, as heard on KVEG AM840, Las Vegas: Fred Imus: "Every time I had sex, my eyes would water and get red, but I finally figured out what was causing it." Don Imus: "What was it?" Fred Imus: "Mace." [Gales of laughter heard in the studio.] Disclaimer: This joke can be used by any Arm of the Service or Branch of the Army. A young kid walks into a bathroom to take a leak and sees a Marine. He asks the Marine, "are you a real Marine?" The Marine says, "Yeah kid, wanna wear my hat?" The kid's eyes light up and says, "yeah, neat." In walks a Military Policeman. The kid sees the MP and asks, "wow, are you a real MP?" The MP says, "yeah kid, want to suck my dick?" The kid says, "oh no, I'm not a real Marine, I'm just wearing his hat!" Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. ***************** How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. ***************** 1. Marriage is grand, divorce is about 10 grand. 2. You know, the next time I feel like I want to get married...... I'll find some woman I hate and buy her a house. 3. Marriage reminds me of a hockey game...... Cold as hell and a fight breaks out every 5 minutes. 4. I was married for five years and never told anybody. I like to keep my troubles to myself. 5. And they said their marriage wouldn't last. They left the church together, didn't they? 6. My marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things I hadn't expected. 7. It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes. 8. Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. 9. She didn't want to marry him for his money but it was the only way she could get it. 10. All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. 11. When my old flame walked into my married life, we had a big explosion. 12. Marrying a woman for her beauty is like buying a house for its paint. 13. Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. 14. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." 15. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. 16. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. 17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." 18. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. 19. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. 20. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. 21. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 22. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." 23. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 24. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 25. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. 26. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. 27. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire". ***************** It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" Picture the scenario: it's first day back at school after the Summer Hols and all the little infants are fidgeting about with excitement etc... Teacher: Okay, kids, we'll begin the year by discussing what we did over the Summer Hols. Joey, what did you do? Joey: Well Miss, I had a wonderful time. Every morning I would go down to the beach and play in the sand... Teacher: Very good Joey, if you can spell "sand" I'll give you a Mars Bar. Joey: mmhhh... S-A-N-D Teacher: Very good Joey. Here's a Mars Bar. Sally, what did you do over the summer? Sally: Well Miss, I would go down to the beach and play in the sand too. Sometimes Joey and I would go for a paddle in the sea... Teacher: Lovely. If you can spell "sea" you can have a Mars Bar. Sally: S-E-A Teacher: Good Sally. Have a Mars Bar. Now, what about you Leroy. What did you get up to? Leroy: Well Miss, I also went down to the beach each morning, but none of the other kids would play with me 'cause my skin's a different color... Teacher: Oh poor, poor Leroy, how dreadful. That's racial hatred for you. If you can spell "racial hatred" you can have a Mars Bar... Mary had a little lamb. It had a touch of colic. She gave it brandy twice a day, And now it's alcoholic. ........ Mary had a little lamb. It gambolled round in hops. It frolicked in the road one day, And ended up as chops. ........ Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. Then Mary saw the rising cost of meat, and the incline didn't please her. So now she's having leg of lamb, and the rest is in the freezer! ........ Mary had a little lamb, She also had a bear, I often saw her little lamb, I never saw her bare. ........ Mary had a little lamb, A little pork, a little jam, A chocolate soda topped with fizz And oh how sick our Mary is. ........ Mary had a little watch. She swallowed it one day. Mary took a laxative To pass the time away. The laxative, it did not work. The time, it did not pass. But if you wish to know the time, Just look up Mary's . . . . Uncle. He's got a watch! ........ Mary had a little drum, She swallowed it...its gone! Now everywhere that Mary goes, The band goes marching on!!! ........ Mary had a little lamb, with long a luscious wool. He sold it all for bongo drums and, man, that lamb is cool! -From "Rocky and Bullwinkle" ........ Mary Had a cool boombox The loudest in town And everywhere that Mary went they told her "TURN IT DOWN!!!" ........ Mary had a little lamb, some lobster and some prunes, a glass of milk, a piece of pie, and then some macaroons. It made the haughty waiters grin to see her order so, And when they carried Mary out, Her face was white as snow. FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PEOPLE Electrocution 1. Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. 2. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. 3. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be. Treating burns and scalds 1. Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). 2. If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. 3. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example. Fractures and broken limbs 1. Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. 2. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. 3. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. 4. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh. Choking On Food 1. Try to dislodge the article blocking the victim's windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. 2. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. 3. Make a mental note to order soup next time. Cuts And Wounds 1. Dress the wound, whatever that means. 2. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. (Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke.) 3. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. (Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.) Objects Stuck In The Eye 1. Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. 2. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. Concussion 1. When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address: Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345, the highest score wins a mystery prize. 2. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. 3. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded, or something. Two vicars, Father David and Father Dooley are playing golf, Father Dooley turns out to be totally rubbish at the game, and a sore loser too, At the first hole he botches a simple drive, bending his driver and sending chunks everywhere, after which he shouts: "Bugger, missed". Father David is a little shocked but says nothing of it. At the next hole Father Dooley misses an easy chip shot, and again cries: "Bugger, missed". This time Father David says:"Father Dooley do not use that tongue lest the lord shall strike you down". Father Dooley grumbles and continues his game. At the next hole Father Dooley messes up a straightforward bunker shot, after which he slams his sandwedge in the fairway and shouts: "Bugger, missed". Again Father David advises: "Father Dooley, do not use that tongue lest the lord shall strike you down". This continues throughout the game, with Father Dooley cocking up shots, and Father David reprimanding him. At the eighteenth hole Father Dooley screws up an eight inch putt, he throws down his clubs, jumps up and down on them, rips up his bag with his teeth, and screams: "Bugger, missed". Father David is just about to make his obligatory comment when there is a large crack of thunder and a fork of lightning lances down, burning father David to a crisp. Shortly afterwards an unearthly voice is heard from above: "BUGGER, MISSED". A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!" "Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes." Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. "That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!" "Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you $100 for the cue ball and leave." The guy drops a $100 bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves. Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says: "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?" "Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls." After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one. "That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender. "Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats." Sub: Big Blue Mouse Balls!!! FILE: MOUSE BALLS AO (IGL191) 05/05/89 06:28:03 PAGE 1 ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP Hi, The following was forwarded to me by a friend who used to work at Big Blue and was given this by a Big Blue friend who found it in the IBM service manual. This was actually put into the manual as a serious bulletin! Enjoy it!!! Record number: H031944 Device:D/T8550 Model: M Hlt count: UHCOOOOO Success count: USCOOOOO Publlcation code: PC50 Tip key: 025 Date created: 089/02/14 Date last altered: A89/02/15 Owning B.U.: USA Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit) TEXT: MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY,IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT.BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY. BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE.DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHODJ AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE,HOWEVER,EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS. P/N33F846Z -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS SAS KEYWORDS: PSY2 8525SYSMISC 8530SYSMISC 8550SYSMISC 8560SYSMISC 8570SYSMISC 8580SYSMISC USERID (RSSTEWART) NODEID (BCRVMl) INT.ZIP 1225, DEPT 2AW, TL 443-4597 (407-443-4597) ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT,BOCA RATON,FL. MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT: 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Plus... 21. You are not Superman 22. Keep it simple stupid 23. If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid 24. When in doubt empty your magazine 25. If your attack is going well, it's an ambush 26. Automatic weapons aren't - self loading rifles don't The naive newlyweds finally get to their room, alone for the first time ever and start to get ready for bed. Once in bed, the girl turns to the man and says 'Well, do you think we should try this..... ya know.... sex thing then??' 'Ok' says the man, 'That would be nice, now we are married' 'Have you got any of those condom things then?' she asks giggling. 'Yeah' he says 'I got a pack of three from the chemists today' 'Oh' she says 'If they sell them in threes I guess you had better put all three on then' After some messing about he finally gets all three on at once and they get down to making the beast with to backs. Some time later, after much effort, they finally come and in the warn post-coital glow she says 'If we have a baby girl I think she should be called Mary. If we have a baby boy, what do you want to call him?' 'If we have a baby boy he should be called Houdini' he says 'because if he can gets out of this lot, he will get out of anywhere!!!' There was this traveling sales lady, on a lonely country road. It's dark and she is getting tired, so she decides to stop at the next farm house and see if they will put her up for the evening. She pulls in, gets out of her car and knocks at the door. An old farmer opens the door, "yes?" "I'm so soory," she says, "I am tired and far from town. Could you put me up for the evening?" "Well, all we have are two bedrooms. Now, you can stay with my retarded son, if that's OK with you. Just leave him alone and he won't bother you." The sales lady takes her things upstairs and into the bedroom. Sure enough, sitting in the corner is this nitwit looking guy. The nitwit looks at her with a mischievous grin on his face, "I can do things with my finger and my mouth," all the while twinkling his fingers in the air. She goes about her business, just like the farmer told her. However, every few minutes, the nitwit would say in a taunting voice, "I can do things with my fingers and my mouth," while running his tongue around his lips. Well, this goes on for about 15 minutes, and our sales lady is beginning to wonder...... Finally, she retires to the bathroom to change and while she's in there she hears, "I can do things with my fingers and my mouth." Well all this has finally taken its toll. She thinks, why the hell not! She tears off her clothes, throws the door open, throws the nitwit on the bed, sits on his face and yells, "All right, God damn it! Do it!" The nitwit looks at her with a shit-eating grin, puts his fingers to his lips and goes, "bebadabebadabebadahhhh......" Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out." "Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us money?" "Yes child. Why do you ask?" "Because the priests only give us candy." I understand that there is a lot of interest from Walt Disney Pictures to make a follow up film to the Lion King from the OJ Simpson case. One of the proposed names will be "The Lying Coon" A beautiful young brunette was about to undergo a minor operation. She had been prepared and wheeled along to the operation chamber's door where the nurse had left her to check if the operation staff were ready. Hardly had the nurse left when a young man in a white coat came up to the trolley, lifted the sheet, examined her closely and walked away, nodding reflectively. He consulted with another man in a white coat who then approached the woman, lifted the sheets, examined her intimately and walked away. When a third man appeared and drew back the sheet, the young woman demanded to know when they were going to get on with the operation. "I've no idea lady," the young man said, "we're just painting the corridor." A moderately religious family owned, enjoyed, but was somewhat embarrassed by a parrot that swore a lot. They only truly minded it on Sundays. The parrot was trained not to talk when its cage was covered, so on Sundays they kept the cage covered all day long. However, one Wednesday the family was surprised by an afternoon call from their pastor. Before they welcomed him into the parlor, one of the children rushed to put the cover on the cage. The pastor entered, and they all were enjoying tea.....until there was a brief lull in the talk, when a voice was heard from under the covered cage: "Damned short week!" This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. ****** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPAINIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUSIERS AND NUMROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed." There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!". The guy says "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, I'm afraid". The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd love a cigarette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up". Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...." A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -Audobon Magazine PILOT HARASSMENT An Argentine newspaper reports that bored penguins living on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local Royal Air Force pilots are fascinated by penguins, the birds congregate on a beach where the pilots fly over, and turn their heads slowly in unison while standing at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand pilots fly by, and when the penguins turn their heads in the opposite direction the airplanes all fly back, like remote control toys. Then, the paper reports "The penguins look directly out to sea, where the planes follow their gaze. Heads and planes go up, up, up, and ten thousand airplanes run out of fuel and fall splashing into the ocean." -Pilot Magazine The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell... Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you. Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'" Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Ms Smith: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted! A trucker staggers into a country pub, looking a bit shaken, and orders a double scotch, then downs it in a single gulp. He turns to some of the regulars and says "I just hit a pig with my truck, it went right through the radiator!" The oldtimers had seen it all before and one of them said "Yep. Same thing happened to me back in '72. What'cha do is get a hacksaw, saw the legs off, 'n pull it out backwards" The trucker gulps, and says he'll give it a go, and goes back outside. Half an hour later, looking a bit pale and covered with blood, he comes back in and says, "Yeah, your idea worked. Now how do I get his motorcycle out?" There was this not too bright farmer whose pigs were not reproducing. He called a vet and asked what he should do because the farmer wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. Shes say "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn". "Stewardess" "Yes, Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep." "Captain. Shut up and land the plane." Lord Byron arrives in Heaven, and finds his old friend Shelley waiting at the gate. "Percy, I can't believe it. You died two years ago. Why aren't you inside?" "St. Peter says he's already got too many poets," says Shelley. "So I've been waiting here for you. Maybe together, we can convince him to let us in." When St. Peter appears, he greets Byron by name. "You two have both been naughty," he says, "and I've already told your friend here that we're pretty full. We've only got room for one of you, so I'm asking you each to write a verse for me about one of my favorite places...Timbuktu. I'll be back in an hour to see what you've come up with." When St. Peter returns, Shelley proudly recites his poem: With feet upon the burning sand I gazed upon the promised land And in the far-off distant view The paradise of Timbuktu. "Very nice," says St. Peter. And then, turning to Byron, he says, "Your turn, sir." With a wink to his friend, Byron begins: Tim and I a-hunting went And spied three maidens in a tent As they were three, and we were two, I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The Darwin award is posthumously presented each year to an individual who did the gene pool service by removing him or herself from it. These are the latest "nominees": BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor. According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede With a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. Two Polish peasants are loitering by the side of the road one day when a tourist pulls up in his car. He winds down the window and asks: "Do you speak English?". The peasants both shrug their shoulders. The tourist then tries "Parlez vous Francais?". Again the peasants plainly don't understand. The tourist then shows off his skill by trying German, Russian, Italian, and Spanish, but each time to no avail. Finally he drives off in disgust. One peasant comments (in Polish): "It must be wonderful to be able to speak so many languages." But the other retorts: "Pah! Look how far it got him!" Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, an one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest. Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling. "Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too." Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent. "Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers." DING-A-LING. This story takes place at Cambridge University, England, on the River Cam, shortly after women were permitted to punt their boats on the river. An all-male crew was punting and, unfortunately, upset. The men all climbed out of the boat and the river and took off their clothes to dry themselves. They were standing there, nude, when a women's crew approached. All of the men quickly wrapped jerseys or towels around their loins, except for one man who wrapped his towel around his head and face. After the women had passed by, the men all turned on the fellow who'd covered his head. "What did you do that for, you fool?" "Well," said the crewman, "in the social circles in which I move, people are generally recognized by their faces." I Q TEST 5 Minutes allowed to complete 1. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and set my alarm clock to wake me up at nine in the morning. How many hours sleep will I get ? 2. Do they have a Fourth Of July in England ? 3. Some months have thirty days, some have thirty-one. How many months have twenty-eight days ? 4. If you only had one match and entered a dark room where there was an oil lamp, an oil heater and some kindling wood, which would you light first ? 5. If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half-hour, how long would they last ? 6. A man builds a house with four sides to it, a rectangular structure, each having a southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering past. What colour is the bear ? 7. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many are left ? 8. Divide 30 by half. Add 10. What is the answer ? 9. How many species of each animal did Moses take into the Ark ? 10. Take two apples from three apples. What do you have ? 11. If you drove a bus with forty-two people on it from Chicago and stopped at Cleveland to pick up seven more and drop off five passengers, and at Pittsburg you drop off eight and pick up four, and arrive at Philadelphia twenty hours later, what is the driver's name ? A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat." "I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me." An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising. "No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation." Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. "Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance." "I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide." As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!" Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a break, pal. I sent three boats!" LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS AP - The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats. The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer. Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidents of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months." Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time." Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: "Yea, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker, always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence. The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions." When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr. Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!" Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend extended periods inside the animal's cages." When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there. Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats >From breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats." When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh, what? You talking to me?" A chicken goes into a library and takes out a book. The librarian thinks this is a bit strange, but lets it go out. In ten minutes, it brings the book back and gets out two more. Again the librarian lets it. In another ten minutes, it returns and takes out three books after returning the others. Intrigued, the librarian asks his friend to cover for him, and he follows the chicken. It goes down the street, round the corner to the edge of a pond, where it shows the books to a frog, which looks at each book and says, "Reddit, reddit. A lawyer was explaining to the court that his witness was not necessarily unreliable just because he changed a statement he had previously made. "Consider this example," the lawyer said, "when I got here this morning I could have sworn that I had my Rolex watch with me. But, as a matter of fact, I left it home on the bathroom shelf." That evening, arriving home, his wife said, "You sure went to a lot of trouble, sending that guy around for your watch. Did you really need it that bad?" "I sent no one here for my Rolex!" the husband exploded. "I hope you didn't give it to him." "I sure did," his wife replied. "Because he knew exactly where it was." Female Rules are: 1. The female always makes the rules 2. The rules are subject to change at any time 3. The man cannot possibly know all the rules 4. If it is suspected that he does, the rules must be changed 5. The female is never wrong 6. If she is wrong, the male must take the blame and apologize 7. The female may change her mind at any time 8. She is ready when she is ready 9. The male must be ready at all times 10.If the female has PMS, the rules are null and void 11.The female can say whatever she wants to anyone but if the same things are said to her she has the right to be angry. 12.What is hers is hers but what is ours is also hers. 13.Women's Lib applies at all times (unless it is not to her benefit). 14.Females are pleasingly plump but males are fat. -What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. -What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? Pour Santa flush on him. -What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes. -Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho. -Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. -What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. -What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood. -The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. -When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. ........ It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. ........ T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been working all week and needed the air. Two men who owned a bar were getting ready to close up. Suddenly a beautiful woman walks in. "I'll bet you one roll of the dice for $2000", she says. Since the bet is in their favor the men decide to go for it. The women puts her money on the table. "Just a minute," she says. She goes into the restroom. After a few minutes she comes out stark naked. She rolls the dice "7", she says. She takes the money and leaves. After a few minutes one man says to the other, "Did you see that 7", "No I thought you did" In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees. it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Extra Employee Programming (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Programming (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank You, John Doe Boss In General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Seen on a church (near the door where people pull up to drop people off): No Parking Cars parked here will be sold And the money used for missions Our campus building are now non-smoking facilities. There is a sign to remind people of this that says: NO SMOKING We will assume anyone smoking is on fire and Take Appropriate Actions Recently seen on a rural Virginia Property: Trespassers will be Shot. Survivors will be shot again. This Brings to mind a sign I'd LIKE to see: Prosecutors will be violated. Seen in a local auto parts store: Shoplifters will be beaten, trampled upon, and then prosecuted I saw a couple in a local fish supply store: Shoplifters will be killed and eaten. and Unatended children will be fed to the fish. In Felixstowe, there are loads of shops that carry this sign: This week's special offer - A free ride in a police car to anyone caught shoplifting An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not always lose!" MICROSOFT - THE NEXT GENERATION... "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. _________________________________________________________________ Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is `Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea." . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . Data "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'." Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase." Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards." Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...." Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?" Data, studying displays "Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity." Picard "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." . . . Two Hours Pass . . . Riker "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'. Picard "How much time will that buy us?" Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." Picard "Identify." Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..." Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" Riker "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!" Data "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits." Riker and Picard, together - horrified "Lawyers!!" Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." Data "True, but appearently some must have survived." Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal." Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!" Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork. Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork. Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. "Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork. John ran into his old friend Bob. He had not seen him in a while. He asked him how he was doing with his wife. Bob replied we bbbbbroke upp. John asked what happened? Wwweee were sitting on tthhe porch and with the dog. Tttthhe dog was scratching its back. I then told mymy wife 'wouuldn't it beee nice if ssshee did that for me'. But by the time III finished saying that she saw the dog licking his balls. Two men are in a bar, and one asks the other what he does for a living. "I'm an architect - I design aerodynamic high-rise buildings. The buildings are specially designed so that if anyone falls off the top, the wind blows them right back up onto the roof." "Naaahh -- you've gotta be kidding!" "No, really, in fact that building across the street is one I designed, I'll show you!" The man goes outside, crosses the street, and enters the building. A few minutes later, he appears looking over the edge of the roof. He steps off, waves his arms and legs, and lands back on the roof! A few minutes later, the are sitting in the bar again. "Wow, that was really great! I've got to try that! I'll be back in a minute!" The second man goes outside, crosses the street, and enters the building. A few minutes later, he steps over the edge of the roof... AAA... AA... AAAAHH!! .. splat .. The bartender walks over and says ... "Superman, you're awfully mean when you've been drinking!" ® The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said." T-Shirt slogans!!! Fisherman Hell chose only one: Bait or Beer Fisherman like to play with their flies. "Old fishermen never die - their rods just go limp" "The way to a man's heart is through his fly" "It's not PMS, it's YOU" "Husband and dog missing. Reward for dog." "I miss my ex-spouse - but my aim is improving!" "Depoe Bay 97341" <-- uses the 90210 logo "Heavy Metal" <-- shows Wile. E. Coyote holding an anvil and falling "51% sweetheart, 49% bitch - don't push me!" A man was sitting at home with his wife and they were watching TV. He was a chain-smoker and suddenly runs out of his cigarettes. He says to his wife: "I'm going to the bar to get some more cigarettes". At the bar he sees this gorgeous and attractive girl. They start to talk and then they decide that he will go home with her. There they start f***ing each other. Suddenly the man looks at the clock: "Hey, its 0:30. Time for me to go home". He dressed, runs for the door, stop and says: "Do you have any talcum powder?" "Yes. Why?" "Sprinkle a little talcum on my hands" She sprinkles a little talcum on his hands, then he went home to his wife. She YELLS: "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, I went to the bar, met this girl, went with her to her house where we made love to each other" She looks at his hands. "Don't lie to me. You met the boys and went bowling with them. I can see the talcum powder." A dog walks into a bar and sidles up to the counter and orders a beer. Across the room he notices three racehorses sipping on brandies. He overhears their conversation. First horse to second.. "I was a t Doncaster in the 3.30... in around fourth place, when, suddenly, I feel a sting on my rump... and I surge forward and win the race by a short head." "Amazing, " says the second horse. "I was at Epsom the other day, running in the 4.00, laying about fifth... felt this sting on the rump and.. whoosh.. won the race by a neck." "Amazing, " said the third horse. "I was at Newmarket in the 1.30 last Saturday... losing by a mile... felt a sting on the rump and hurtled forward to win by a length." Unable to resist, the dog joined the three. "I could not help over-hearing you three," he said "and I had the self same experience at Walthanstow Dog Track last week. I was trailing badly... felt a sting on my rump ... and buzzed through to win by a short head." "Amazing!" said all three horses in unison. " A talking dog!" A Texan walks into a bar in Alaska. Naturally, he starts doing what we Texans like to do best -- he brags. After hearing enough, one of the bar's patrons points out that Alaska is a bigger state than Texas. This flusters the Texan, who swaggers on over and says, "Well, ya'll may be the biggest state, but Texans can't be beat." "Oh?" queries the other. "Well, I'll have you know that *any* Alaskan can, in one night, drink a fifth of whiskey, wrestle a polar bear, then go home and make love to an Eskimo woman." "Heck, any Texan can do that," he says, and orders a bottle of whiskey. He downs the entire bottle in one swig, and announces he's off to find a polar bear. Later that evening, the Texan staggers into the bar. He can barely walk, and is severly scratched and bruised. He makes his way to the bar, and asks, "Now, whars that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to wrestle?" Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." - Get frustrated every softball season losing to that same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out? - Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of your with the killer serve? - Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always losing to someone better than you? NO PROBLEM!!! Let us do the dirty work for you at the TONYA HARDING CENTER FOR OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION That's right. for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success. Check out our price list: Blow to the knee $99.95 Blow to both knees (a better buy) $149.95 Blow to the head $124.95 Knife in the back (tennis players only) $49.95 Kick to the groin (male athletes only) $39.95 Poking out one eye $49.95 Poking out both eyes (Three Stooges style) $79.95 Gun shot to the knee $199.95 Gun shot to both knees $200.95 Gun shot to the head $499.95 Impalement in a public place $999.95 - Remember WEDNESDAYS are bonus days. Order one act of violence and receive another at 50 percent off! - With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan. - Order now and receive absolutely free the Lorena Bobbitt Home Castration Kit. Sex-crazed husband not included. To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN! One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. "Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?" "Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea." This cowboy was out looking for a job one day. He stopped at a ranchers house to ask the rancher for a job. This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but he's wearing tennis shoes. Guess I'll see what he can do." So the rancher tells the cowboy. "OK, let's see what you can do. Go rope that calf over there and brand it." The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him. Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking stallion in a corral. This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen. After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy hand the rancher a tame horse. This rancher is IMPRESSED now. "OK, son you got the job. There's just one question I gotta ask you. You rope and ride real well and you look mostly like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes. Why don't you wear cowboy boots instead of tennis shoes?" The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots but then people would think I was a damn trucker!" EEC GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper SKID - Der bannanan waltzen TYRES - Flattenfahrts WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder First Monday back at school, and the teacher tells the kids : "Right, I want you all to tell me a 3-syllable word, and then put it in a sentence" She turns to little Annie, who says : "Beautiful. My teacher is beautiful" "Oh thankyou very much" says the teacher "Very good" She moves onto little Anthony : "Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful" Again, the teacher thanks him, and moves onto bold little Johnny "Urinate" says Johnny The teacher gasps, even though she was half-expecting this from him. "Urinate" continues Johnny "But you could be a ten if your tits were bigger" Story from the radio:- On board a plane, due to fly to Florida. The passangers take their seats and get ready to go. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "Welcome to flight number 123. We will be leaving in a few minutes. We will be flying at a height of 20,000ft at a speed of 300 knots. etc etc etc I hope you have a pleasant flight. Please fasten safety belts." A few seconds later he says "Boy, all I need know is a blowjob and a cup of coffee!" On hearing this one of the stewardesses rushes towards the cockpit to tell the pilot he has left his mic open. As she rushes down the aisle someone shouts out "Don't forget the coffee love!" Virus Warning Signs -Operations seem sluggish -Programs take longer to load -Programs access multiple disk drive where they didn't before -Programs conduct disk access at unusual times or with increased frequency -Available disk space decreases rapidly -The number of bad disk sectors steadily increase -The amount of available RAM suddenly or steadily decreases -Programs encounter errors where they didn't before -Files are replaced with garbled data This isn't a virus list! It's the description of what happens when you install Microsoft Windows95! A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" When Ianto died, after a long and gallant struggle against tuberculosis (this was before antibiotics), his boyhood friend Tal came all the way from Canada to view the body. "Up the stairs, first bedroom on the left", said the widow. "And be sure to close the door. He went so small with the consumption, the cat's had him on the landing three times already." The Top Ten episodes getting rid of Wesley on StarTrek: The Next Generation: 10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit. 9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons. 8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit." 7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment. 6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired. 5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons. 4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him. 3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Weasley. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining. 2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few. 1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him. Q: What is white and streaks across the sky? A: The coming of the Lord. ***************** Q: What is red, white, and black, and cannot get into an elevator? A: A nun with a javelin in her head. Round about closing time in the local pub a friendly chap who'd been playing cards with a table of more or less total strangers admitted "Mate I'm pretty drunk and I don't think I can get out of my chair. Could you just give me a hand as far as the door - I think I'd be right from there." So two of the chaps helped him to his feet and pretty well carried him to the door, stood him against the door frame where he promptly fell over. They looked at each other and pondered. 'we can't just leave him here' said one. "The chap looked up at them with a silly smile on his face and said.'well if you could just get me to the bus stop maybe, I'd be right.' So the two chaps and a friendly passer-by carried him over to the bus stop and stood him up against the shelter. As soon as they let go, he fell over. The three of them looked at each other. 'We can't just leave him here' they agreed. "We'll wait for the bus and help him on." The bus arrived and the three men and two helpful ladies who had been queuing lifted the man onto the bus, found his wallet, paid his fare and sat him down. He slid off the seat and lay on the floor giggling to himself. So the growing team of good samaritans decided that instead of catching their usual taxi they would all go home by bus. They placed him carefully back on the seat and two of them sat on either side of him. " I need to get off at the town hall stop.' he told them. The bus arrived at the town hall and the three men, two ladies and the bus driver manouevred the inebriated fellow off the bus. 'Somehow, I don't think he's going to get much further by himself.' said one. "Where exactly do you live mate?' 'Just across the road - the house with the blue front door' burbled the tiddly chap. So the team carried him across the road, up thepath to the front door. They found the front door key in one of his pockets and taking him inside they laid him gently on the sofa, popped a cushion under his head, congratulated themselves and one another on a job well done and slipped down the road for a nightcap. At about eight the next morning Emlyn Hughes's sister Bronwyn was woken up by the phone ringing. She wandered into the sitting room with a mug of black coffee for her brother. Emlyn grimaced up at her and groaned. "I think I got pretty pissed again last night Sis.' he admitted. 'You must have.' She replied 'That was the landlord of the Pig and Whistle on the phone. You left your wheelchair there again last night.' A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he wants a shot of 15 year old whiskey. The bartender decides he's not going to waste the good stuff on this guy so instead, he gives him a shot of 5 year old whiskey. The man takes a drink, spits it out and says "I told you I wanted 15 year old whiskey, not 5 year old!" The bartender decides he'll try something a little better, but still not the good stuff, so he gives him a shot of 10 ye old whiskey. Again, the man drinks it, spits it out, and yells, "Look! I said I wanted 15 year old whiskey, not this 10 year old stuff!" So the bartender decides he better not mess around anymore and breaks open the 15 year, best in the house brand. The man drinks it and says "Now that's *good* 15 year old whiskey." A drunk standing nearby, watching the whole episode, sneaks the shot glass, turns around and whizzes in the glass. He puts it up on the bar and says "Here, taste this." The man takes a drink, spits it out all over the bar and says "That stuff tastes like P*ss!" The drunk replies "I didn't ask you what it tastes like! Tell me how old I am!" Health and Safety executive material data sheet Control of substances hazardous to health regulations 1988 A chemical analysis Element Woman Symbol WO Discoverer Adam Atomic Mass Accepted as 56.3kg but may vary from 40 to 200kg Physical Properties Surface usually covered in painted film Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any reason Bitter if incorrectly used Founds in various states from virgin metal to common ore Yields to pressure applied to correct points Chemical properties Has great affinity for gold, silver and precious stones Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol Most powerful money reducing agent know to man chemical changes can cause explosive properties Common Use. mainly ornamental Can be a great aid to relaxation Very effective cleaning agent Test Pure specimen turns rose when found in natural state Turns green when places beside better specimen Turns red if you get near to better specimen Potential hazards Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained in different locations as long as specimens do not come in to contact with each other If contact with the skin is made, ensure that rubber protection is worn at all times, failure to do so may result in an increase in mass, which can take up to nine months to reduce. Handle with care when chemical metamorphoses take place, this can occur up to twelve times a year. Two experienced fishermen went ice-fishing. They chopped holes in the ice about twenty-five feet apart, put worms on their hooks, dropped their lines in the water, and got nary a nibble. This went on for several hours, but no luck. Mid afternoon, a school boy arrived, walked confidently onto the ice, and chopped his hole between those of the two men, and caught fish after fish. The men were amazed, and finally one approached the boy and asked, "Tell me, young man, what's your secret?" The boy replied,"Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." "What's that?" asked the man. "Say it again, please." The boy: "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." The man: "I'm sorry. I just can't understand you. Would you speak a little more clearly?" At that, the boy cupped his palms, spat a large amount of substance into them, and said clearly, "Keep your worms warm." Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Wedensday to announce a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy Machines. Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of the innovative device. Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new revolution in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago, and market insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock through the roof. At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a perfect red rose. Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges copied from the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that the copied fruit might taste slightly of toner. John Thompson (inventor of the Reprotron) stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but accidentally copied his hand and forearm. He quickly disposed of the highly detailed, frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the copier's delivery slot. But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next. "We assumed that people would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and obviously we were wrong," Thompson states. From all across the USA, reports have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson calls "sick, greedy ways." At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15 copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged." Local authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed. In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion 150 times. A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of some laws." Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect. Harold Butz of Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted gold. Butz claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that the machine-made copy was 22-karat solid gold. "All I wanted was a really good copy of a cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated. "What the hell am I going to do with this thing?" Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons." "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other," Thompson revealed. "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to the Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm. These copy pirates should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy and so on, there are bound to be defects in the copies produced. We have no idea what kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something on a fourth- or fifth-generation machine." Thompson declined to comment on reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have a human thumb attached to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb getting in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies. "Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated. "People owning the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine work, and we've taken all the fluid off the market. A machine can only last two weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid refills." When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things." Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot In bed last night. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing , and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. She is numb from her toes down. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. A man decides to go fishing. He takes his rod, cuts a hole in the ice and sits down on his little fold up chair for a good 'fish'. After a couple of minutes he hasn't caught anything, and he hears a big booming voice say: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!". He looks all around but can see no-one so he just puts it down to overwork and continues fishing. The voice booms out again with an even more commanding tone: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The man looks up and says nervously: "Is that you, God?" And the voice booms out again: "NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!" What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 8 pints. Sadly for you I'm referring here to American Southerners, so no chance to take the piss. Nevetheless I found this profoundly funny, particularly the way it's constructed with a running "pickup" joke threading its way through it.... Phil The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." SEED - verb, past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?" GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert." =============================================== Things you would NOT hear a Southerner say: * We don't keep firearms in this house. * Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? * You can't feed that to the dog. * I thought Graceland was tacky. * No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. * Wrasslin's fake. * Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? * We're vegetarians. * Do you think my hair is too big? * Give me the small bag of pork rinds. * Deer heads detract from the decor. * Spitting is such a nasty habit. * I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. * I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. * I've got it all on a floppy disk. * Unsweetened tea tastes better. * Would you like your fish poached or broiled? * My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. * Checkmate. * She's too old to be wearing that bikini. * Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? * Elvis who? * Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. Dear Roger, I'm coming up to Catterick tonight and, yes you guessed it, I've got a =20 plea. Do you have a copy of DOS 6.22 or later which I could borrow. I'm having =20 (predictably) problems with my new 1.4 GB disk and I've discovered (shock =20= =20 horror) that I don't have a copy of DOS. I was sure that I had a copy on =20 Cap 6 but it doesn't seem to be the case. Hence could you bring a copy into work tomorrow morning and I'll pick it =20 up first thing. Disk or CD it doesn't matter (I'll bring some spare discs =20= =20 up with me). Thanks Paul >A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his >presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. >Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to >grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. > >A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been >watching these proceedings with interest. He announces >himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in >the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll >let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." > >The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of >the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. >Surely I rate higher than a cabby." > >St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested >in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby >drove his taxi, people prayed." > When eagle eyed officers of the Arizon Highway Patrol spotted smouldering wreckage embedded in a three foot crater half way up a cliff wall, obvious conclusion was an aeroplane crash or a possible UFO incedent although no-one in the area had reported a missing aircraft or seen anything suspect on their radar screens. Bizarely, it turned out to be a car, although working out how it got half way up a cliff took forensic investigators a while to work out. To assist military transport aircraft to carry as many tanks as possible, the US Airforce uses a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit. Basically the biggest firework you have never seen, not dissimilar to those tubes on the side of the shuttle. Light the blue touch paper, stand back and watch it burn itself out in about thrity seconds. You don't nick one, strap it to the roof of your Chevy, drive out into the desert, find a nice long stretch of deserted highway, start speeding and then switch on the JATO. It seems this is what happened. Four miles from the crash site, investigators found a patch of melted tarmac and some pretty impressive tyre marks. Our hero would have been doing about 350 mph with about 25 seconds of boost still to go. The resulting G-force would have surprised even this bloke, who slammed on the brakes, melting all four tyres and scorching the tarmac with bare metal wheels. Braking thus caused the speeding car to take to the skies where it would have travelled at about 400 mph into the side of the cliff after a one and a half mile journey. Who drove the car will never be identified. What we do know is that he (come on, it's obvioulsy a he. No woman would do this!) had teeth, bones and hair. Because all the investigators managed to find were minute fragements of teeth, bone and hair embedded in the melted plactic meteorite which, it is beleived, once formed the dashboard of a Chevy. Strange but true. When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" True story. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ======================================= MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered in painted film. 2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. Recently a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. I think my version of Wife 1.0 has a virus, file size is increasing rapidly. Also finding that the 'Audible Help Utility' has no volume control and can not be disabled at all. Wife 1.0 insists that the increase in file size is not a virus and that it is in fact a complilation of smaller routines, the start of which was intiated by myself (or someone else running Wife 1.0 ) that will result in a small but rapidly growing program called Baby 1.0 (although looking at the file size of Wife 1.0 at present, maybe Baby 2.0 should be expected). Otherwise all things with Wife 1.0 are fine. I am told Baby 1.0 (or 2.0?) should resemble user, and so if that is the case I see no reason to Upgrade to Wife 2.0 via the shareware version Affair 1.0. P.S Is it true Baby 1.0 does not come with any form of manual. I can't belive it is so easy to operate and that it 'comes naturally' as I am told. Various problems reported with Baby 1.0 (most get worse with subsequent versions) : many users run several versions at once, with severe consequences for system resources, and user stress induced by the differing demands of the various versions. In theory, Wife 1.0 should manage the compatability problems, but, almost inevitably, users must meddle, and generally make things worse. (This bit is auto-scripted from Wife 1.0 : I don't know how it got there!) Upside is that, as development continues, opportunities for interactive creativity are endless, and each version of Baby should develop into a self-referencing independent user group in time, providing Original User support and freeing up valuable resources. Another friend decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by electing to go with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, he found many problems. Apparently, you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which he should have been aware of. Apparently, the versions Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that is bothersome...all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. Users should be aware that is an early tos shareware program which ran very well with the original . However program deficiencies led to many upgrades and its inevitable successor, now a best seller, . Be aware that and the later 2.0 are TSR apps which seldom T and always SR. It is possible to run from within , under but this often leads to hanging and can result in having to delete WIFE by downloading from www.xpenslaw@yor.broke.mate. The only app. which will run on top of is , sometimes sold as . This can run well within , even split-screen, but,although SIDEBIT is plug-and-play, it is expensive CAD shareware and not secure, so running a good virus checker such as is advised. Also after some large downloads, even with a very large harddrive, I have noticed the error "HARDDRIVE FLOPPY" and, IMHO, the only way is to turn off, wait 24hrs and try a cold boot. Of course the optimum solution, which needs the minimum of hardware is to just reinstall which will run in windows (but better not). This is still a reliable WYSIWYG plug-and-play solution recommended by the younger techos. It comes with its own driver, runs well in a palmtop, and is very stable although I have heard there can be problems when run within . IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Supposedly a True Story! A woman named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in-laws and, while she was there, she went to the store. She parked the car in the parking lot next to a car with a woman sitting in it with her eyes closed and her hands behind her head. This woman looked a little out of sorts to Linda but she figured that the woman must be sleeping. When she returned to her car a little while later, Linda saw the same woman in the same car with her eyes open but her hands were still behind her head. The woman now looked panic-stricken, so Linda tapped on the window and asked loudly, "Are you okay?" The woman shouted back, "I've been shot in the head and I'm holding my brains in!" Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store and had the supermarket called the paramedics. When the paramedics arrived, they had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in the car, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head in her hands. Apparently, a Pillsbury biscuit container had exploded in the heat of the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gun shot, and the dough hit her in the back of the head. When she went back to feel what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fear at first, then attempted to keep her brains in. Rog, Might come in useful someday, who knows? Sorry, but I can't be bothered to strip off all the extra verbiage.... love, P. >X-Envelope-To: >X-Sender: terra@pop.dnai.com >Date: Thu, 19 Feb 1998 20:29:32 -0500 >To: philmcm@dircon.co.uk >From: Kate - Blue Rose (by way of Jon Bernhardt ) >Subject: FW: FWD>>Breaking Up > > > >---------- >From: db Cooper[SMTP:dsc@burrows.com] >Sent: 18 February 1998 11:30 >To: Bshawshank@aol.com >Subject: FWD>>Breaking Up > > > >> >> Howard Stern's Help for Single Guys >>> >>> If you're like me (and I know you are), you probably date >>> quite a bit, and also like me, you find getting rid of a chick >>> the most difficult part of the dating process. >>> >>> After a second or perhaps third date that we know didn't go >>> at all well, the closest we ever come to telling a chick >>> it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll >>> call you next week." >>> >>> Of course, we have no intention of calling her and we don't >>> even feel a slight twinge of guilt. But I have discovered a >>> great way to blow a chick off. It's safe, it's affordable, >>> and the best thing is that the woman has no opportunity to >>> throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now >>> .. . . E-mail! >>> >>> That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling >>> chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man >>> knowing you have told her how you really feel from the >>> safety of your keyboard. And youcan delete her response >>> without ever reading it. What could be more painless? >>> I have drafted the enclosed Email rejection letter and >>> invite you to use it the next time you need to put your >>> main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. >>> Hope it comes in handy. >>> >>> >>> >>> ---Howard Stern >>> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------- >>> Dear (her name), >>> >>> I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from >>> further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). >>> As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly >>> tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates >>> such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, >>> however, keep your name on file should an opening become >>> available or in the eventuality that I become extremely >>> horny. >>> >>> So that you may find better success in your future romantic >>> endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) >>> you were disqualified from the competition: >>> (Check those that apply) >>> >>> 1. ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a >>> feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date >>> displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. >>> >>> 2. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you, "buy condoms >>> and K-Y Jelly by the truckload," indicates that you may be >>> slightly over-qualified for this position. >>> >>> 3. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule. (i.e., I asked you >>> 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than >>> one about myself.) >>> >>> 4. ___ The only question you asked was how much money I make. >>> >>> 5. ___ You neglected to EVER reach over and unlock my car >>> door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for >>you. >>> >>> 6. ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you >>should, >>>however, happen to gain the necessary 17 >>> vertical inches, please resubmit your application. >>> >>> 7. ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed >>> in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet >>> my age requirements. >>> >>> 8. ___ The fact that you attended the University of Kansas >>> and/or root for the Kansas Jayhawks demonstrated that >>> you do not meet my intelligence requirements. >>> >>> 9. ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called >>> a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for >>> and thoughtless. >>> 10. ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage >>> at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians >>> demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and >>> have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. >>> >>> 11. ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow >>> your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he >>> "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but >>> makes it difficult to take you seriously. >>> >>> >>> 12. ___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of >>> paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we >>> invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our >>> sexual encounters so it would be "just like" >>> your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. >>> >>> 13. ___ As a practice, I do not normally discriminate >>> against single mothers, and although I understand the >>> youngster was named for her father, I do not think >>> "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little >>girl. >>> >>> 14. ___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated >>> your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised >>> some serious questions about your mental state. >>> >>> 15. _X__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. >>> >>> >>> Sincerely, >>> >>> Your Name (Optional) >> >> >> >> >>------------------ MIME Information follows ------------------ >> >>--0__=3TPZYfv91ggxYvUxyFkR5aefStFfa1AGbWtDHFHjYNWsK0yyzvhCrkTu >>Content-type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii >> >><<<<<< See above "Message Body" >>>>>> >> >>--0__=3TPZYfv91ggxYvUxyFkR5aefStFfa1AGbWtDHFHjYNWsK0yyzvhCrkTu >>Content-type: text/html; >> name="att1.htm" >>Content-transfer-encoding: base64 >>Content-Description: Internet HTML >> >> >><<<<<< See Enclosure named "att1.htm" >>>>>> >> >>--0__=3TPZYfv91ggxYvUxyFkR5aefStFfa1AGbWtDHFHjYNWsK0yyzvhCrkTu-- >> >> >>------------------ RFC822 Header Follows ------------------ >>Received: by wgbh.org with ADMIN;17 Feb 1998 13:41:24 -0500 >>Received: from notes.teradyne.com (jaypeak.corp.teradyne.com >[131.101.17.23]) by dorsey.corp.teradyne.com (8.8.5/8.7.1) with SMTP id >NAA28135; Tue, 17 Feb 1998 13:40:39 -0500 (EST) >>Received: by notes.teradyne.com(Lotus SMTP MTA SMTP v4.6 (462.2 9-3-1997)) >id 852565AE.00670D8C ; Tue, 17 Feb 1998 13:40:04 -0500 >>X-Lotus-FromDomain: TERADYNE >>From: "Karla Marino" >>To: Josephf@conres.com, scott.martell@fmr.com, mcnaughj@us.ibm.com, >> robinsonkr@babson.edu, Krista_Wilcox@wgbh.org >>Message-ID: <852565AE.006688EA.00@notes.teradyne.com> >>Date: Tue, 17 Feb 1998 13:40:30 -0500 >>Subject: Breaking Up >>Mime-Version: 1.0 >>Content-type: multipart/mixed; >> Boundary="0__=3TPZYfv91ggxYvUxyFkR5aefStFfa1AGbWtDHFHjYNWsK0yyzvhCrkTu" >> >> >> >> >> > > > > > > > -------------------------------------- THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH -------------------------------------- We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ... I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book? ------------------------------------ THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH ------------------------------------ I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this What's wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let's go home! Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't." Dirty Eddie always answered the teacher's questions with profanity. No matter what the teacher asked, Dirty Eddie could come up with a profane answer for her. One day, the teacher was reviewing the alphabet. "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter 'A'?" Dirty Eddie raised his hand and shouted, "Oh! Me teacher! Me! I've got a good one!" The teacher looked at Dirty Eddie, and thought, "I can't let him answer it - it's too easy for him." She called on Betty, who replied, "Apple." "Very good. Now who can give me a word that starts with 'B'?" Again, Dirty Eddie rasied his hand and shouted, "Oh! I can answer this one! Pick me, teacher!" The teacher thought, "No, can't do it. 'B' is much too easy for him." She called on Stevie, who answered, "Uhh,...Ball?" "Very good," the teacher replied. She continued through the alphabet. Dirty Eddie had an answer for every letter, and for every letter she didn't call on him. Until she got to the letter 'R'. "Who can give me a word that starts with 'R'?" Dirty Eddit shouted and rasied his hand again. The teacher thought, "Hmm, I can't think of a dirty word that begins with 'R', and he is the only child who hasn't answered..." Finally, she called on Dirty Eddie. "Eddie, what is your word?" Eddie replied, "It's rat, teacher. A big fucking rat, with a dick this big!" There was this guy that had a really obnoxious parrot. Unfortunately, the parrot swore like a drunk sailor and this guy was pretty conservative. Anyway, the parrot kept swearing! The guy tried yelling at the bird, telling him to stop. The parrot seemed to swear even more! The guy got so upset he put the parrot in a cupboard and closed the door. The parrot thrashed around but kept swearing. Fed up, the guy finally stuck the parrot in the freezer. The parrot banged around abit swearing and then all of a sudden he was silent. The guy got kind of worried, he thought the parrot might have froxen to death, so he opened up the freezer door. The parrot calmly walked out and said, "I'm so sorry for my harsh language, I'll try not to let it happen again." The guy was happily amazed. The amazement soon turned to understanding when the parrot innocently asked, "By the way, what did the turkey do?" Baby polar bear swims over to big bro's iceberg and says "Am I a polar bear?" Big bro: "Sure you're a polar bear kid!" So Baby polar bear swims over to Momma's iceberg and says "Am I a polar bear Mom?" Momma: "Sure you're a polar bear kid!" In desperation Baby polar bear swims over to Daddy polar bear's iceberg and says "Am I a polar bear Dad?" Daddy polar bear: "Sure you're a polar bear kid..." Baby polar bear: "So how come I'm so cold then?" THE WINTER OF '93-'94 Klamath Falls, Oregon Dec. 8 5 p.m.: It started to snow, our first of the season and the wife and I took out cocktails and sat by the window, watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful!! Dec. 9 We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystral white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a snowplow came along and covered up our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street so I shoveled it again. Dec. 12 The sun melted our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get some more before the lovely winter is through. Dec. 14 It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 degrees below zero. Shoveled the driveway and the sidewalk again and the snowplow came by and did its trick again. Dec. 15 Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer, so I can drive in the snow. Bought snow tires for the wife's car. Dec. 16 Fell on my ass on the ice on the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings. Dec. 17 Still cold (below zero in the a.m.) and the icy roads make for very tought driving. Dec. 20 Had another 4 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice. Dec. 22 We are assured of a white Christmas. because 3 more inches of the white shit fell today, and with this freezing weather it won't melt 'til August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc.) and then got the urge to pee!!! Dec. 23 Was going to go ice fishing today, but my worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my bait. Dec. 24 If I ever catch that Son-of-a-Bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag him thorough the snow by the balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over what used to be my lawn. Dec. 25 Merry Christmas! They predict 8 more inches of the fucking white stuff tonight. Do they know how many shovelsfull of snow 8 inches are? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The snowplow driver cam by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with the snowshovel. Dec. 26 We got 8 inches and then some. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of cabin fever, because the wife is beginning to look good to me. Dec. 27 The toilet froze. If you go outside don't eat the brown snow. Dec. 28 I set fire to the house, Now the white shit won't cling to the roof! Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." I Have Noticed Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of [ethnic] jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a doddering old man gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!" Everyone in the room turns to look and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm just sick and tired of all these idiotic [ethnic] jokes that try to make [ethnic]s look so stupid! 'How many [ethnic]s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?'... 'There was an Italian, a Jew and an [ethnic]...' and so on! Well just stop it, because we [ethnic]s are proud of our heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects we have produced!" The club is silent as the old man sits down angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says, "Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?" The old man gets up suddenly and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm talking to, you fool, it's that little bastard on your knee!!" I'VE LEARNED....... I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 6 I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41 I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 _ -----_ SEX MANUAL FOR COMPUTER EXPERTS // {|||} 0]_____ || {|||} \-----] 1. Be user friendly \\ {|||} _\____ 2. Take bytes \\ {|||} / ---- 3. Fondle joystick \\-------- / 4. Spread sheet / | 5. Fix surge protector | DogByte | 6. Activate hardware \| ----------- \ 7. Insert disc, all the way | || 8. Do it until it megabytes || || 9. Back it up == == 10 Eject floppy 100 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy: 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through channels, you don't stop on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass size is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why the movie Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms Of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack.3 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park 48. Three pair of shoes is more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people might think 51. Foreplay is optional 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone doesn't notice your new haircut 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "he must be mad at me". 60. The world is your urinal 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area 64. One mood, all the time 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because "this one is just too skanky". 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a bottle of beer 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing 69. Same work...more pay 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment 72. Wedding dress=$2000, tux rental=$100 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries 75. You don't mooch off other's desserts 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's "Sportscenter." 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "F@#k it!" 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. "Baywatch" 100. There is always a game on somewhere.